Wonder

I'm getting sick of wondering. I want to stop thinking, "Is this how it's supposed to be?" I need to learn it doesn't matter how it's supposed to be, because that has no effect on how it is. And as long as how it is is how I want it, I'm in a good place.

That said, I still want to know things. I want to know why after barely talking for nearly two years all of a sudden not talking to someone for two days makes me feel like I've hardly got a grip on the world anymore. All so I can lie. Why I have to keep reminding myself that it was his idea, what he wanted. Why that matters, and why I forget it. Why I made this my problem. Why I don't crave the kiss I should. Why I still crave the kiss I shouldn't. Why I felt so liberated in the knowledge that someone who claims my friendship will hurt me so willingly, again and again, and I can't change it at all. Why I sat down at my computer nearly every day since my last blog post trying to write another one and haven't succeeded yet. Why words echo in my head until I can barely remember the voice that goes with them. Why I freaked out at an oddly familiar whiff of cologne. Why I don't feel any different. Why I don't know if I want to.

But then again, maybe I'm afraid to really ask.

Maybe I'm progressing, and the reason I suddenly don't want what I have is something like why while it's the only fit food for a teething toddler, you'd be hard pressed to find an adult who wanted to eat puréed jarred baby food. The same way I realized I'd moved on from what I wanted less than a year ago, and got a few months later. Maybe I'm just always after the chase.

Ever get caught in a daydream? Someone asks you for something, and you realize that you were a million miles away. Sometimes a little less than that in physical distance. It takes a moment to get your bearings, and you can't go back quite the same way, even though you might try.

I wrote this awhile ago, never actually posted it and I'm not sure why. I just don't remember. So I'm giving it the light of cyberspace, and let's see what happens.

Break in, break up,
Break out, break down.
Fade in, fade out,
Watch it fade away.

Fall in, fall out,
Fall down, fuck up.
Fear, freedom,
Fly away.

Run out, run in,
Run for it, run away.
Make a bet, take a chance,
Screw the rules, play.

Roxanne never put the dress on,
Cecilia won't come back.
Beth's getting sick of waiting around,
And Lucy fell out of the sky.

Dani California grew up rich,
Chantilly Lace wouldn't show her face.
And now Mustang Sally's got a ticket to ride.


Lost in a dream,
Daydream Believer

Gold was right. There is no confidante. A bit ironic, that betrayal comes from this direction. I need people. I need to talk, bounce ideas around. Get a reality check every now and again. But freedom goes with being alone, and loneliness with freedom. No, I don't quite understand why I can't cry.

"If you decide, please don't tell me. I don't want to be in that situation again." She cares, she does. I know. I hope. She has to. I've got too many who I thought did and don't now. She can't join their number. Please.

Please, if you only knew. Maybe I do. Maybe I should have. Shoulda woulda coulda. No regrets. Feel free to jump in any time with the I told you so's. I don't want you to know. Maybe I do. Who knows, that would just give you another power over me, and you've got too many already.

What do I really want?
That's not as easy a question to answer as it should be. Maybe because I refuse to acknowledge the truth, maybe because I'm afraid of it. Maybe because I don't know which is the lesser of two evils.

Evils. Yep, that's pretty accurate. Love it or hate it. Love you or hate you.
When did evil get so bloody seductive?
Daydream Believer