I got home just a few moments ago. Just after half past two in the morning, totally sober. I'm on a little hiatus for the moment, hoping that my favourite form of toxin will regain its power.
So it wasn't the quiet, relaxed, even intimate evening in I had been planning on. It was probably just as well. That's the great thing about shows on DVD, you can watch them another time. Haven't picked up my fiver yet, and though it's gone to double or nothing now, I'm not sure it's a fair contest anymore. Is it bad if I kind of want to lose this bet?
It's all about the little moments. Most of the time, I just want to go back to those moments of excitement and intrigue, and in the pursuit of them, I find more moments, until I wind up sitting confused and alone trying to rationalize actions, both my own and those of others. This is the problem with not knowing anyone very well.
If it wasn't crazy, I'd be bored. I prefer the craziness, as much as I might bitch and complain. I think I have a balance for a moment or two.
And I'm only 16000 words away from December.
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Without Ever Knowing The Way
The scariest part was how quickly I started to go into defense mode. It's all better now, but my shopping list for today worries even me. It started out innocently enough. I've never had sherry before, and I needed some more pens. The shopping list wouldn't be worrying at all if not for context. Everything's about context.
Friendships are funny things, and they can come in such a vast array of shapes and sizes. This kind of friend is the kind of friend I always wanted. I think I wanted it before because it was a little strange, a bit unusual, and because I was missing something. It's been a long time since I vocalized needing that kind of friend, never totally sure what the logistics of actually having one would be. Then, all of a sudden, once I wasn't looking for it... But isn't that always the way it goes? I wonder if it's always like that with him. Whether it's something about him, or something about me, or something about the two of us together. Whether I could have that in another context. Whether I'd want or need it in another context.
I've never before felt like that. The parts were familiar, certainly, but all of them hitting me at once bowled me right over. I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty, I just need to analyze the things that happen to me. And this is one of them. Over the hump, really not so long to go. That's the bit that gave me all those ironic chuckles last night. I was starting to see the Christmas lights at the end of this tunnel, and were they ever gorgeous. I was starting to have everything sorted out. From here on in I'll have to be a little more careful. I never meant to hurt anyone. Usually the only one who I hurt is myself, and that's okay with me. When you play with fire, after all. I can take a couple of burns. Nobody else asked for this though. When you don't understand the backstory, it's hard to understand the action.
Nobody was supposed to know who I am. I'm getting braver, letting people see a little more of what's behind the mask. Connecting the mind and the body, so to speak. Telling real truths, in unadulterated and undiluted form. It feels good in a crazy terrifying roller coaster kind of way. Maybe I am an adrenaline junkie after all.
The decade shift is getting a little bit closer. As always, I'm finding that I don't have it nearly as figured out as I thought I would by now. Sometimes I catch myself out at it, reading an article about someone a few years younger than me and thinking that they're my age. Or worse, sometimes I catch myself thinking something like, what an immature brat.
The age thing came up today during the talk. I normally don't think about it so much. It's less noticeable when I don't see his sister, who's got a decade on me, when I don't remember that he was my age when I was my littlest sister's age. The more time goes on, the less it matters, the less it will matter, but at the moment it has become a bit of an issue. When we don't want the same things. But we do. We want the same things when it counts, and I think it'll be okay that way. It won't be long.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
Friendships are funny things, and they can come in such a vast array of shapes and sizes. This kind of friend is the kind of friend I always wanted. I think I wanted it before because it was a little strange, a bit unusual, and because I was missing something. It's been a long time since I vocalized needing that kind of friend, never totally sure what the logistics of actually having one would be. Then, all of a sudden, once I wasn't looking for it... But isn't that always the way it goes? I wonder if it's always like that with him. Whether it's something about him, or something about me, or something about the two of us together. Whether I could have that in another context. Whether I'd want or need it in another context.
I've never before felt like that. The parts were familiar, certainly, but all of them hitting me at once bowled me right over. I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty, I just need to analyze the things that happen to me. And this is one of them. Over the hump, really not so long to go. That's the bit that gave me all those ironic chuckles last night. I was starting to see the Christmas lights at the end of this tunnel, and were they ever gorgeous. I was starting to have everything sorted out. From here on in I'll have to be a little more careful. I never meant to hurt anyone. Usually the only one who I hurt is myself, and that's okay with me. When you play with fire, after all. I can take a couple of burns. Nobody else asked for this though. When you don't understand the backstory, it's hard to understand the action.
Nobody was supposed to know who I am. I'm getting braver, letting people see a little more of what's behind the mask. Connecting the mind and the body, so to speak. Telling real truths, in unadulterated and undiluted form. It feels good in a crazy terrifying roller coaster kind of way. Maybe I am an adrenaline junkie after all.
The decade shift is getting a little bit closer. As always, I'm finding that I don't have it nearly as figured out as I thought I would by now. Sometimes I catch myself out at it, reading an article about someone a few years younger than me and thinking that they're my age. Or worse, sometimes I catch myself thinking something like, what an immature brat.
The age thing came up today during the talk. I normally don't think about it so much. It's less noticeable when I don't see his sister, who's got a decade on me, when I don't remember that he was my age when I was my littlest sister's age. The more time goes on, the less it matters, the less it will matter, but at the moment it has become a bit of an issue. When we don't want the same things. But we do. We want the same things when it counts, and I think it'll be okay that way. It won't be long.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
Monday, November 16, 2009
Risk and Reward
Awareness and risk, we didn't crash into one another. I don't know why he annoys me so much. Just the general frustration of fascination, I'm sure. At least he's talking to me again. Only in theatre.
As always, the toughest bit is getting out of bed in the morning. Every tough time is like that. Once I'm out of bed and moving, and occasionally this translates to properly dressed and no longer rocking my PJ's around the living room, I have some momentum. As much as I hate to imply that physics may actually have some bearing on my life, I feel I'm a victim of inertia. In the same vein, getting to sleep is tough too. I don't want to rely on the pills on the bedside table to stop the charge of circular thoughts around the inside of my skull, to dull the heartache and let me drift off. Morpheus is only sometimes my friend. He didn't want to let go of me this morning, and I suspect that tomorrow will be no different. The lines are crisscrossing each other, and I don't know where they turn into boundaries. I'm still intrigued, though I'm sure it's a bad idea. Just the same as before, right down to cigarette smoke. It's human nature to want what you can't or shouldn't have. Though if I get what I want, will I fall into the same trap again? The one I unwillingly lure someone into as we speak. Maybe it is to do with the exoticism. That which is rare is always prized.
I like to shelter, I like to protect, I like to nurture, but I also like to deal with independent self-sufficient people. That sounds like I'm a lot angrier than I am. I'm not angry really, it's just that nobody else is quite enough, and I'm frustrated in more ways than one. The fact that it doesn't feel quite right doesn't quell the cravings, just keeps me from satisfying them. The fact that I don't know who to trust, who I can trust, especially given my recent bouts of tongue wagging, doesn't help at all. And I should be writing for NaNoWriMo rather than doing this. But for some reason I'm not.
I might be taking up Japanese again, but not until December.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
As always, the toughest bit is getting out of bed in the morning. Every tough time is like that. Once I'm out of bed and moving, and occasionally this translates to properly dressed and no longer rocking my PJ's around the living room, I have some momentum. As much as I hate to imply that physics may actually have some bearing on my life, I feel I'm a victim of inertia. In the same vein, getting to sleep is tough too. I don't want to rely on the pills on the bedside table to stop the charge of circular thoughts around the inside of my skull, to dull the heartache and let me drift off. Morpheus is only sometimes my friend. He didn't want to let go of me this morning, and I suspect that tomorrow will be no different. The lines are crisscrossing each other, and I don't know where they turn into boundaries. I'm still intrigued, though I'm sure it's a bad idea. Just the same as before, right down to cigarette smoke. It's human nature to want what you can't or shouldn't have. Though if I get what I want, will I fall into the same trap again? The one I unwillingly lure someone into as we speak. Maybe it is to do with the exoticism. That which is rare is always prized.
I like to shelter, I like to protect, I like to nurture, but I also like to deal with independent self-sufficient people. That sounds like I'm a lot angrier than I am. I'm not angry really, it's just that nobody else is quite enough, and I'm frustrated in more ways than one. The fact that it doesn't feel quite right doesn't quell the cravings, just keeps me from satisfying them. The fact that I don't know who to trust, who I can trust, especially given my recent bouts of tongue wagging, doesn't help at all. And I should be writing for NaNoWriMo rather than doing this. But for some reason I'm not.
I might be taking up Japanese again, but not until December.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
Friday, November 13, 2009
Don't Stop
I really hope he was the one texting me back at 2 am. It seems just like before, right down to the cigarette smoke taste in my mouth and the funny feelings about dancing. Still, I think everything's going to be alright. I think everything's back to normal. Maybe. I wish he hadn't bailed out on me so early. Would it have made a difference if I said so? It's okay not to be normal right now. It's okay not to be okay, that's what friends are for. Am I going to regret not forgetting tomorrow?
And trying and trying again.
I laugh because I know exactly what's going on, and have a new insight into the world of a fascinating person. Fascination. I am easily fascinated. The tattoos and the deviance. I would love to be stronger and smarter than I am.
Bedtime.
Daydream Believer
And trying and trying again.
I laugh because I know exactly what's going on, and have a new insight into the world of a fascinating person. Fascination. I am easily fascinated. The tattoos and the deviance. I would love to be stronger and smarter than I am.
Bedtime.
Daydream Believer
Friday, November 06, 2009
Sweet
Oh my stars, the number of song lines I cycled through trying to come up with an opening for this post. Nothing seems to fit.
I'm in a good mood today, despite coming altogether too close to coughing up my lungs for my liking. I'm managing. I really feel like things are under control, which I have to admit, is a feeling I really enjoy. Two months is nothing. I'm not quite over the hump, but close. I can make it to Christmas, and once I've made it that far, the rest will fall into place. I've fallen into place here. I feel like I fit. It's good. I feel like I'm on top of my responsibilities, not getting crushed under them, and having a little fun too. Just tethered enough. Maybe this time I'll be able to manage the avoidance of strings.
It's not about peace, it's like martial arts, to be still without being still. I feel like that right now, and right now everything seems okay. But that could be the sniffles talking.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
I'm in a good mood today, despite coming altogether too close to coughing up my lungs for my liking. I'm managing. I really feel like things are under control, which I have to admit, is a feeling I really enjoy. Two months is nothing. I'm not quite over the hump, but close. I can make it to Christmas, and once I've made it that far, the rest will fall into place. I've fallen into place here. I feel like I fit. It's good. I feel like I'm on top of my responsibilities, not getting crushed under them, and having a little fun too. Just tethered enough. Maybe this time I'll be able to manage the avoidance of strings.
It's not about peace, it's like martial arts, to be still without being still. I feel like that right now, and right now everything seems okay. But that could be the sniffles talking.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
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