Resolve

Is the title the first or last thing you think up when you write something? A poem, an essay, a blog post, a story, a novel, an encyclopedia, whatever you write. I'm torn. Usually, it's the last thing I think up, because I tend to try to relate it somehow to everything I've written, and I don't plan writing the same way that Loud evidently does. (Where's that post now, huh?) So I don't know what a good title will be, normally, until whatever I've written is done. Every now and then I go the opposite way though, I take a word or a phrase that means something, even if only to me, and make sure whatever I write has some sort of connection. Occasionally the connection is totally organic, like today. It's New Years, a time when people make resolutions, the noun form of the verb to resolve. Resolve has a couple of meanings as a verb, lots actually. But this isn't really a vocabulary lesson, I promise. There are lots of ways the word resolve is used, but it mostly boils down to two overarching definitions, either decide or fix. As a noun it can mean strength or determination. All in all not bad thoughts to start the New Year on, if I may say so.

My own resolve is going to be tested. This coming year as well as in the years ahead. Everybody has a "they", something outside themself that has a hold on them, an effect on their decisions. Everybody occasionally at least does something for "them" instead of for themself. For some, it's God (Goddess, Gods, Goddesses, etc. God as a concept not an entity), for some, it's family, friends, strangers, society, various belief systems with varying degrees of arbitrariness and practicality. Assuming things don't change drastically in the ol' noggin in the near future, I'm going to have to tread lightly around "them" for a variety of reasons involving how I intend to defy convention. I grew up in a different world than my mother did, or her mother. Then again, maybe the apple doesn't fall so far from the tree after all. In my grandmother's generation, it was simply expected that she would get married and raise a gaggle of children. True to form, she didn't finish high school, got married at 16, and hauled the gaggle of kids all over the world following her Air Force husband. I usually forget that my grandmother recieved less formal education than I had by the time I was halfway through high school. I sometimes wonder what she might have done if things had worked out differently. Nobody's ever told me what the circumstances of her marriage were, but since her first child was born within the year, I can only assume that due to social convention she had to get married. It's entirely possible that that life was really and truly what she wanted for herself. I know someone who looks no further. Which makes me wonder if that particular dream is the "natural" one. Some would argue that it is "natural" or "normal" for people to want to fill their convential social roles. Wife, mother, grandmother, homemaker, caretaker. Of course, those are usually the people who also believe that homosexuality is "unnatural" but that's an issue for another day. I cannot fathom never wanting something else. Something more. I can't fathom being content in that life.
Part of it is power, and dependence. A huge part of that dream is the idea not necessarily of being rescued, but of being provided for. Maybe it's pragmatism that drives me away from that dream, the sheer impracticality of depending on someone else to take care of me for the rest of my, or their life. Even assuming there would be someone willing, what would happen to me if something happened to them? Besides, if someone has the power to give you something, they have the power to withold it. I sense there's more to it than practicality though. I want to do more. Social roles are changing. It is now more or less expected that a woman has a career in addition to her family. Or, like my mother, as a predecessor. Maybe it is natural to want a family, carreer or no.

I suppose I'm a touch unnatural then. My theory is that I'm wired a little differently. I expect to be mostly alone because of it. Which doesn't distress me much as soon as I let go of a particular heap of social conditioning surrounding family and relationships. That said, it isn't that I expect to be truly, stranded-on-a-desert-island alone, nor do I expect to be celibate or unfulfilled in any way. I just don't expect to have "that someone" that people tend to talk about. The reason for this (going back to those crossed wires) is that I seem to be a little different. As much as I can't fathom being a housewife and being happy with it, I can't really even see myself married in the future with any clarity. Ironically, the rationale behind that one is very much grounded in social conditioning and convention. I don't ever want to get divorced, and can't see myself ever being truly content with one individual and never wanting anyone else. Therefore I can't get married. Bear was aghast at this revelation. I'm pretty sure Loud was intrigued, particularly with the conversation that ensued. And in answer to the comment he made, navigating the future alone is both my intention and prediction. Assuming nothing major changes, I expect to navigate the future alone based on the reasoning above. Although the assumption is less that I'll be alone and more that there will always be people, just not a "special someone". But I think that I will enjoy doing so. You play the hand you're dealt, and I don't see any reason not to enjoy the game.

It seems odd to me that so many of the songs I've been listening to lately have themes of moving on. Because I can't seem to. Perhaps because it feels like unfinished business, curiosity, or just becuase I'm reluctant, as always, to say goodbye. I'm the same way with knicknacks. I'm a horrible packrat, both physically and emotionally. It takes a lot of strength to say goodbye, to walk away, but I figure it also takes strength to fight the battle you know you're going to lose. It takes guts to keep trusting someone, keep believing them, even when they give you no reason to. It takes guts to love knowing you won't be loved back, or won't be loved back the way you want. Years ago I was strong enough to walk away and never look back, and I'm proud of myself for that. This time it's different. Different situation, different people, even different me. I've recieved advice to walk two different ways, a prediction of the future, and lots of heartaches. As I've said so many times, I'm fine now, and I know I'll be fine, I'm just not sure what's going to happen between now and then. Hopefully all that will be fine too.

Maybe the decision will be made for me, but soon I'll have to decide stay or go. Who am I kidding? It's not the decision I'm dreading, it's breaking the news of it. The decision's as good as made. There, I said it, what he's been saying all along. Will seeing it coming make it hurt less? Doubtful.

Once again, I rung in the New Year with Loud, Gold, and Sphinx. It's becoming something of a tradition, I suppose. Not one I mind in the least.

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves

Under pressure

Can we play that game your way?
Can I really lose control?

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.


My resolve has not yet been tested. I have never faced a real question. I haven't had to make that decision, and I don't know what I'll do if/when I do. Everyone has boundaries, right now it's not mine that are protecting me. I don't know where mine are. But I'll find out.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer