Fleur De La Nuit

Man are these claws ever a pain in the butt.

I didn't get very much sleep last night... more accurately this morning, having seen the first creeping bits of daylight before retiring at around 4 am.

I feel kind of drained... I have high hopes for next week though. It'll be a different crowd, a different atmosphere.

Anyways, I'm friggin tired, so this is it for now. I should probably have more to say, given the events of yesterday evening/this morning, but I'm too tired to examine or analyze, so this'll have to do for now.

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rain fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

How someone finds that depressing is totally beyond my comprehension... but that's beside the point... as is the whole "we stand on God" thing.

Anyways,
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Sad Eyes

Every time. Same thing over and over again. Never any resolution, we just try to forget it ever happened, until the next time. And somehow it's always my fault. And yet nothing I say can possibly make it any better. So what's the point of having these conversations. You get mad, I get mad, and everything gets worse.
I get it, I get that I'm a terrible person, and you're a wonderful one, and that you'd never do the awful, terrible things to me that I do to you, but really, I do get sick of hearing it over and over again.
How come you never apologize to my face? I didn't think of this at the time, but maybe subconsciously I was walking away because I know we never resolve anything face to face.


Sometimes I cannot stand you. Maybe it's because I see the things I hate most about myself in you, maybe it's simply because I see a lot of myself in you, and I was never meant to get along with someone who's like me. This is why I've been chewing so much gum lately. It's much easier to bite down on a wad of chewing gum to shut yourself up than it is to bite your own tongue. Trust me, I've got lots of practice, and it hurts. Maybe I haven't got any right to be this angry, but I am. I'm practically fit to be tied. What I don't understand is why things changed. I have a gut feeling, but I'm not sure. Either you changed, or I changed, or we simply had a major difference of opinion that threw the minor ones into sharp relief. Maybe that's it. A difference of opinion.

5...4...3...2...1...
Last few feet of the mudslide. Maybe it's time to dig in my heels.

On another analogical note entirely, I feel like I'm slowly being pulled up the lift hill towards the top of a really freakin' high roller coaster. In case I haven't mentioned this to you before, I'm terrified of heights. As soon as I get over the top of that lift hill, I'm going too fast and screaming too loud to even notice most of what's going on. It's the lift hill that's the killer. The anticipation.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
P.S. Maybe it is too late, Ace, but I've always had a penchant for lost causes.

Mini Post

Just about to leave for the house of grease... but I have a little message directed to people in general, but someone in particular. Forgive the 1st person/2nd person switches... there is a reason for it.

Initially, Daydream Believer and the flesh-and-blood person sitting at the keyboard typing this were two entirely different entities. It was a clever safety feature. However, as time goes by, this becomes less and less true. Daydream Believer and her tangible counterpart are becoming with each passing day more like the single individual they were long before this was begun. If you don't know who I am, there's a reason for it. If you do know who I am, please don't tell anyone, should they ask.

On a lighter note, friends are pretty awesome things. But it's one of those things that you can only really appreciate from the outside. You never know from the first person, or second person, you have to see it from the outside to get it. Friendship can take different forms, but the bare bones are the same.

Sunset sailing on April skies,
Bloodshot fireclouds in her eyes,
I can't say what I might believe.


Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Deliver Us

Lock It Up
One minute, everything's normal, the next minute... it's not. Not a great place for the likes of us, but we had no choice. There we were. Nobody knew what to do for sure. As prayers began to weigh down the air, tears began to flow. I don't even know why. Not for sure. I hope that those tears helped to clear any other tears out of the air. I hope. I've never before felt the urge to shed tears in relief. The urge was overwhelming. Nobody else seemed to have felt the same tension. Thankfully the red faded before the next trial. If I'd been asked if I was alright, I wouldn't have been anymore.

"I know I don't really know you, but you're among friends here, if you need a hand to hold or anything."

Listen To The Music
Everything else held aside, you've gotta hand it to Christianity for their music... Go to a Baptist church and listen to the choir if you don't believe me. The sheer joy of it. Religion aside, I think that music like that, and the people who create it is something that the world needs. Don't even get me started on the music that comes out of other churches. I don't know for sure what it is, but something about the addition of religion makes music... transcend something. Not that music isn't an amazing feat on its own. I've heard people say "Math is life" they're liars. Music is life. Music is what it's all about. It's finely distilled emotion. Perhaps the thing about religion is that even people who are uncomfortable expressing personal emotions can feel comfortable expressing emotion in the context of worship. Maybe. It's just a guess. It's open to debate.

Can She Do It, Ladies and Gentlemen?
She is about to take on a near impossible task. Can she do it? I sure hope so. She has to, she's committed. Of course, nothing's set in stone. Nothing in the universe is set in stone. Ever. But she's as committed as she's going to get. She's going to go through with it, come hell or high water. But will it have the expected results? Maybe, maybe not. Here's to the Lady. (Yes, the one with brilliant emerald eyes.) May she guide her the best that she can.

'Here is a riddle to guess if you can?' Sing the bells of Notre Dame. 'What makes a monster and what makes a man?'

Some day out of the blue
Maybe years from now
Or tomorrow night
I'll turn and I'll see you
As if we always knew
Some day we would live again, some day soon
--Elton John, Someday Out Of The Blue

This won't be the end. It can't be, because quite frankly we're not ready. We still need this one tiny smidgen of stability.

Crisis
Another person might call this a crisis of faith. I think it's actually rather the opposite. My life is one long episode of what the religious would call a crisis of faith. This is one of the few times when I feel sure, and I'm really not sure why. I'm not going to screw with it for now. As I said, my beliefs are complex. I'd be happy to sit down over coffe and discuss them, but keep in mind I will probably change my mind two or three times throughout the discussion.
But for now...

I will act when action is necessary.
I will speak when it is prudent, and hold my tongue when it is not.
I will trust my own convictions to guide me.
I will hope for the best, even while planning for the worst.
I will pray when the mood takes me, to whomever or whatever seems appropriate at the time.
I will dream, during the night and during the day.

Call me heathen. Call me half-assed, half-baked, half-crazy. Call me undecided. Call me weak-willed, weak-minded, or just plain weak. I hope it makes you happy.

Keep dreaming, I know I will.
Daydream Believer