Because the Night

Come on now, try and understand,
The way I feel under your command.
Take my hand as the sun descends,
They can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now.

On Sunset At Sunset
No, it's not the same place. It's very similar, but it isn't quite the same. It's not that theatre. The place I was talking about was that place, that wonderful, peaceful place. A place that's so much like this place. I loved to wander around there, I love to wander around here. I don't fear so much here. That's a lie. I fear differently here. I don't fear the night anymore, not the same way. The night's the same everywhere. I'm ignoring my work, which I've got gads of, to write this and to read a lovely book that fuels, even if it doesn't explain, my infatuation with the night. Twilight. Sunset. It doesn't seem real, so I can be brave, I can be my fictional self. It's wonderful, until I have to face the bright light of morning. Morning light can be so lovely, so clear and crisp, throwing the world into sharp relief, putting everything into higher definition. But sometimes you don't want the past to be so clear. Sometimes you'd rather not face reality. Sometimes you like the world to go a little blurry. It's about dark and light, but the darkness is a little misunderstood. The night can be an escape, such a relief. I find that I'm more afraid of the clear than the blurry right now. I don't know why that is.
There's nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light. Is there?

Sunbreak
Watching the rain through a crack in the window,
It's the little things get you through,
Like the same sun rising over me's rising over you.
I wonder if you can see the change in my face. Gold, Loud, Este, and Sphinx, you'll have to let me know. I can feel it most of the time, it's subtle, but it's there. I sometimes feel like I've gone back, four years almost exactly. The same feelings, the same insecurities. But it's in the cards, this too shall pass. Opportunity. Carpe diem. A little cliche, I know, but it's real. I've shed one tear since I've been here. One single solitary tear. Not on the day I expected to, or for the reason. I'm not sure whether I felt worse before or after it fell.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me,
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

The Nile
Say that as though you've lived in Manhattan your entire life, and you'll understand. Fortunately, the whole thing passed pretty quickly. No telling when it'll come back, but I won't deny it again. It's simply not healthy. It's one thing to refuse to act on a really bad idea, it's another thing entirely to pretend that the thought to act never came into your head.

I believe in love too real to feel.
Daydream Believer

All lives are made
With these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

Good Morning?

I don’t care if my alarm was about to go off anyways. That knowledge didn’t make me any happier about hauling my tucchus out of bed at 7 this morning, practically falling down the stairs to stand across the street in my jammies and flip-flops. Oh yes, it was a fire drill. Fortunately this lovely beginning didn’t set a precedent for the entire day.

Want to know what I was doing last night at midnight? I was having a frank discussion about religion. We tried to implement the 10 pm rule, we really did. The one that says we don’t start talking about religion after 10 pm, because we’ll be there all night. All we need is red wine.

Anyways, I managed to resist the temptation to fall asleep during a lecture, which was good, because it was a pretty big temptation. I also managed to keep myself fed and watered throughout the day, which is sometimes more of a challenge than it sounds like it should be. Unfortunately a couple of years ago I developed this terrible habit of eating, and it’s turning out to be a real killer to break. I’m convinced it will be my downfall. I got myself up to my elbows in brown goo made from paint and glue, and was soaking bits of burlap in it for about 2 hours… before that I’d been used as a pack mule hauling and moving various objects that I will probably have to repurpose at some point in the next few months.

I finally saw the inside of the theatre. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, it was brilliant. Could have done without the whole “gum” conversation, but that’s alright. I suppose they’re entitled to be frivolous.

Remember that place? Loud, you were there with me, and Vagabond Sphinx, you too. It was such a pretty place. I kinda feel like I’m living there now, even though it’s another place. A lot of the same… feelings? Ideas? I’m not quit sure what it is, but there’s something that’s the same. Anyways, my roommate’s back, so I’d best pretend I’m not a computer-crazed freak for a little while. Not that I am a computer-crazed freak, or anything...

Dream on,
Daydream Believer

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
--Sarah McLachlan

I wish I could say goodbye for all those who never got a chance to.

Things have changed in six years about the world I live in.

In the aftermath a number of songs were banned from the airwaves by one company. Songs of joy, songs of healing. Maybe I'll get all fired up about censorship and such another day, but not today. Today I just want to extend condolences, and enjoy the sunset.

We're still here, don't take it for granted, but don't forget it either.

Daydream Believer

Flying Blind

So, remember when I kept mentioning something about 8 months about, oh... 8 months ago? Yeah, so it's over... or begun... whatever. This isn't a place for academics or anything... So, haven't broken down yet, based on my summer camp experience, it's only a matter of time. A lot of changes. Not least of which being brand-new sheets. I haven't slept on brand-new sheets in about four years, with the exception of the last three days. Then there's sharing a room, which I haven't done for longer than two weeks in the last four years. Fortunately the person I'm sharing a room with is a lot more cooperative about it than my younger sister was. Another Red.

Then there's the lack of supervision. I like the freedom. I like not having someone hanging over my head all the time, I'm not going to lie. I'm a little worried that this will cause me to fall victim to my worse habits, but not terribly. I have to admit I'm more concerned about my emotional well-being, and not just because I'm far away from everything I've ever known.

I'm going to become rather obsessed with the symbolic value of that bridge. Yes, it's a real bridge. I can see it from the end of my street. It's a bizarrely comforting link to the past, to a time that was scary as hell then, but is quite a pleasant memory now. I guess I'm in a position where I want those pleasant memories. Plus it's a handy way too tell how far I've walked or biked, and how far I have to go before I can shower or sleep.

At least I'm talking. I'll admit it, I feel a little out of my depth here. Or a lot out of my depth. I've had few experiences others haven't had.

I'm going to have to make my peace with this emerald-eyed smiling beast. I should have known I couldn't escape it, although I expected a reprieve until tomorrow at least. I was hoping for a much longer reprieve. I should know better.

I don't know which causes more problems, when I'm chemically uninhibited, or when my inhibitions come back. You know, maybe they never really disappeared. I felt fine for awhile. I knew I should have gone dancing. Although then I'd be making assumptions I've got no right to be making. Unlike the assumptions I'm making now, those I have every right to make. I can see it. I feel like Timon... "Here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two." It's only been two days, dammit, I was turning over a new leaf. I guess you can't escape your own nature that easily. Or your own shortcomings. I should have seen it coming. Now I just have to make sure I don't say or do anything too stupid in the near future. I won't hate or resent them. I won't. I'll turn that fucking leaf over if it kills me. Which it might. My emotions like to stew and fester. On the bright side, this may be just the motivation I need to get off my ass and do some exercise. Fastest way to burn the festering emotion out of my guts. Won't do my physical guts any harm either.

All of a sudden that half-empty nalgene bottle looks pretty inviting.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea of having no idea where I'm going than I've been in a month.

Daydream Believer

P.S. Baer, you'll find it interesting to note that I'm quite comfortable in this situation, even though I wasn't when I was wearing the sparkly dress.