Weak

Something about tonight leaves me cold, if you'll pardon the pun. Eyes downcast. Demure, or furious. I don't know why. I can't see your eyes, which I hate. You can't see mine either, which is my last line of defense. Maybe I'll say something I regret. Maybe I'll regret it right away. Maybe it'll take a few days. Maybe I'll change your mind. World's biggest hypocrite, maybe my worst idea ever. Would I change a moment of it? For nothing short of world peace. Do I regret? Absolutely. But I'll work on that. It's over now. I have lots of regrets, I'm slowly rubbing them out, letting them fade into the background. You wanted this to do good, not bad. You should know by now that you're a force of evil in my life, in all its variable forms. You haven't called me pretty lady since we started this. I don't know why I miss it. I hated it when you said it. I only exaggerated slightly about not wanting to go home. I knew I'd have to face it if I came in. And it was better to stew out there than in here. There was the chance that you'd find a way to fix it. You usually do. You sometimes humour me. That same hug. The same as he had. You hate being compared to him, but you're so much the same. In action, in word, in memory. Maybe one day I'll be able to relegate you too. Say with confidence, "I don't need you anymore." I could say it now, and it would be a lie. Maybe I should brush up on my lying. Might be less painful for both of us. Every time, it always feels like there was something left unsaid. One final line that would tie together the loose ends.
Maybe it's goodbye...

Daydream Believer

P.S. Give me a week, once I've gone back to motown. I ought to be back to normal. Well, normal for me.

Encore

Here it comes again. That feeling of deadness, emptiness. The very feeling I tried to escape. Doubled in strength and from two separate angles. Threatening to swallow me up with every passing moment. I don't fear being alone. Never have. The way I plan to live my life, I'll probably spend a good deal of time alone. It can be peaceful. It lends clarity, perspective. What I fear is the loneliness. The feeling that everyone who I might once have mattered to is gone. There's a saying, the pain of rejection is not from someone saying no, it's from the feeling that no one will ever say yes. Loneliness is like that too. It's not being alone, it's the feeling that you'll be forced to be alone.

Would you mind if I pretended...

Another shoe drops. There should only be two, but there have been more than that so far... there'll be more. I should know my limits by now. What I can handle. I've got a lot of tears in me, but for some reason certain things just won't make me cry. At least not on their own. Three exceptions. Now, at least. Up until a week ago, only two. Funny, it's not who you'd assume it is. Maybe I'm only really strong when I really have to be. If that's the case, this is a very good sign. Fuck, there's silver lining all over this bloody cloud. Long as I pay attention to it. We walking into this hoping we wouldn't wreck it and expecting we would. But its not wrecked. Is the tension going to be worse next time around? Possibly. Friendship is less of a string and more of a finely-wrought steel cable, firmly anchored at both ends. No one can hurt you like a close friend.

One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore.

One way or another it'll all shake out.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer