Lucid

In order to grasp true lucidity, one must rely on their own perceptions, unfettered by the constraints of common thought. It is only once we go a little bit mad that we experience the clarity of sanity.

Maybe we all sound as crazy to him as he sounds to us.

One of the most beautiful, confident, self-assured women I have ever met felt threatened by my presence (read: hopeless girlish crush on her boyfriend) when I felt myself to be a socially and physically awkward 15 year old. Maybe there's something to this. I'm not sure whether her perception or mine was closer to the truth. Either I came off a lot better than I felt, or she was a lot less confident on the inside than on that cucumber-cool exterior.

Oh promised land, what a wicked ground.
Build a dream, watch it all come down.

People squirm when I smile at them on the bus. At first I was doing it to be friendly, now, I'll admit, I'm kinda doing it to see them squirm. And to see if I can find someone who doesn't.

Oh god, he looks exactly the same. He still won't talk to me, but now I can't hope to walk past him without knowing he's there. Hell in a handbasket.

If you want games, I'll play. Games are fun, but don't do me any favours. I don't want your pity.

Bloody hell if you'd just eat a few more vegetables! I know that it's more complicated than that, but part of me just wants my good old friend back. I want to be the more damaged one again, but it's only partially so you won't have to be. How silly a hat do I have to wear before you'll notice me again?

But the half-finished bottles of inspiration lie like ghosts in my room.

I don't know how it's so easy for them. These things don't come easily to me.

Today's what, the 14th? I miscounted, it's coming up on nine weeks now. Hell.

Hyenas laugh when they're agitated.

Maybe a little rampage is what I need...

Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody,
I got some money 'cause I just got paid.
How I wish I had someone to talk to, I'm in an awful way.

Why do I already know everything I read in Cosmo this month? Well, except for that trick with the... never mind. But how come I'm so much more sure of what I already know because now I've read it in Cosmo?

Poor brokenhearted baby. I'm having a hard time mustering sympathy and stifling I-told-you-so's. I'm lonely too, I've been lonely longer, and you weren't going to do a damn thing about it, so why should I?

Good night and good luck.
Don't worry, you can have mine. I'm sure not using it.
Daydream Believer

Chances Are

It's all about chances, odds, luck, fate. It's about circles. All of a sudden, I'm back at the same place in this circle, but this time you're at the right place in your circle. Geographic circles are another thing entirely, however, and that's why this is just another pile of what-ifs. I know myself, and I know exactly where this will end, and by the end of it, you won't be the only one that's blue. Christmas seems far away. This is really ironic, it seems that once again I've been posessed by the god/dess of bad timing. That's right, it was the "MFM" look... and that's right, she was right again. To quote a conversation with MFM himself, "This is a fine pickle we've gotten ourselves into, isn't it?" "No, I like pickles, this is more of an onion." Oy vey.

The other half of that lyric?

So close them tight and kiss me one last time.

So now I'm playing with fire, courting disaster, some might say. Like a chainsaw that you can only get in one store that's a very long way away.

Daydream Believer

Out Of The Blue

Cyclic Circles

I guess it takes hindsight to see the truth about it. Well, hopefully I'll know a little better for next time. I'm not going to get hung up on "might-have-beens", at least not today. But I'm about to start the same cycle over again. Now that I've been around the block once or twice, I feel like I can finally go for this without worrying so much.

Who am I kidding? I'll always worry, it takes up about 40 percent of my consciousness. I have to face facts, I'd be lost without it.

In any case, I have a few bits of, well, I think they're bits of brilliance, but everyone else might think they're bits of something else that starts with a B. That's ok though. They're mostly things I'm writing down so that I'll remember them in a couple of months. They may or may not make any sense to you, and that's ok too. Some bits out of my own mind, some bits I've picked up from people, books, coffee mugs or T-Shirts.

The trick is to dance like you're drunk even when you haven't had a drop.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
Don't panic. You've made it this far, why would you break a winning streak like that?
Never say never.
Never say "What's the worst that could happen?" even if you're thinking it really hard, because fate may decide to show you.
Laugh. It's fun and good for you, and that's getting harder to find.
Have fun. It's rarely as serious as all that.
Oh, suck it up and go talk to him/her/them. They're not that scary, and they probably feel just as lost as you do.


MFM

How many times in the last couple of weeks have I thought about My Favourite Mistake? Too many. Way too many. I don't know why I'm thinking about it again after all this time. Maybe I'm still looking for the closure that I've grown doubtful I'll ever get. Maybe time has simply sealed the pages shut. Maybe that is my closure. I'd still like to touch base, I want to know what's happening now. Maybe I'm just playing with fire. I have to say, it's a good thing I'm not a cat.

Music
So lately I've had songs from these couple of movies stuck in my head. The kind of movie they give to little Christian kids to make them think they're watching Disney movies when really it's more like Sunday School on video. At least it's Sunday School with an award-winning soundtrack. The messages aren't bad, and the music's nothing short of amazing.

Memories
How awesome would it be to never have any regrets? It's something to try for, although it's practically impossible to do. I suppose I'm going for the happy medium here, between recklessness and being a wet blanket. Less like "forget regret" and more like "regret, sure, but then deal with it and move on". I blame Gold for my current state of having to scrutinize every idea that pops into my head and figure out how it meshes with my other ideas. Oh well, I'll never be bored. Here's to holding onto the good memories, and not dwelling too much on the not so good ones.

Anyways, I think that's pretty much enough musing for one morning. Ought to get out there and face the rest of the world, rather than just the part that is between me bed and my computer.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer