Betting on the Wrong Dark Horse

New Years is a good time for introspection. It's not exactly New Years anymore, rather getting into the next decade. I have resolutions, as usual, but they just keep getting less concrete. Less with the lose 15 pounds (or just over a stone) and quit spending so much money, and a little more with the trying to work out where I'm going and how I'm getting there.

I'm trying not to worry, which is difficult for me, very difficult. I'm thinking the words he said, even though I refuse to say them aloud. But I think I'm okay. Sometimes my curiosity is destructive. I want to know even though I know he doesn't want to tell me, and I'm not sure I want the image to get any more vivid. Just like that riddle. Two children come in from playing outside, one has dirt all over her face, one has none. Why does the child without dirt go running to wash her face? They each, having looked at the other, assume they should be the same. No regrets. I stand by my choices, but perhaps with a new perspective, should similar opportunities arise, I'll make different choices.

Playing the role of someone in control.

In 2009 I moved to another continent, a different country. I did some things I always wanted to, some I never expected to (hello headstands!) Six months ago a lot of things were different, and some are exactly the same. That's right, New Years Day makes six months. On another count entirely, three months down, six to go. It's hard to believe I got through the first three, and it's harder not to feel like it's all downhill from here. I just have to remember the reasons for it, why I'm there. All those things I have to work so hard to remember when it feels like I've made a big mistake.

Unrelated note: Cadillac makes hearses. Go figure. I shouldn't watch the news. I notice the weirdest things, like the car company that made the hearse carrying the body of a suspected mobster.

Let me know that I've done wrong, when I've known this all along.

Good morning. I'm sitting in a globally known chain coffee shop recently well known for its wireless internet access. I'll get to why in a minute. But first, time to air the New Year's first dirty laundry. I try not to regret. In my head, I know it's a waste of energy, since I can't take it back, and even given the chance, I probably wouldn't. I've just done something I have to work really hard at not regretting. I could unravel all the complex and intertwined reasons why I did it, but it all boils down to I wanted to. And if I hadn't, on some level, I would still want to. I asked myself what the worst that could happen was, and I didn't imagine it hurting too much. Truth be told, this is one of the possible outcomes I had thought of. But everyone likes to think of themself as better than all that. Still I was surprised by the cold. I thought I was playing with fire, I expected to get burned. This doesn't quite feel like a burn. Regardless, I have to get used to it, because it's there, and it can't be undone. There is an awfully high temptation to find the nearest Louisville slugger, but on the whole it would be unwise, and probably wouldn't make me feel any better anyways. It's true though, could be the only true thing he said the whole time, but I did know what me, him, and a bottle of liquor meant. I still have most of the liquor, which is good, since I might need it in the next little while.
I didn't hit him. He said he knew he was being horrible, and that he'd understand if I wanted to hit him, he even took his glasses off and stood still. I wanted to hit him, badly, but I didn't. This wasn't supposed to hurt, but I willingly accepted the risk that it might anyways.

Am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted, it comes with a price?

I slept surprisingly peacefully last night, all things considered. Oh, talking myself down enough to go to sleep wasn't easy, and I have Bear to thank for the words that finally got me to lie down long enough for sleep to catch me. I slept peacefully until shortly before 8 anyways, because that's when I heard the skittering behind my bed. At first I wasn't sure what it was, then I hoped it was just one of the postcards scraping its way down the wall. Then it squeaked, and I freaked. Only one in the house, naturally, I panicked slightly. I grabbed clothes and my bag and practically ran out the door. Which brings me to why I'm sitting in a coffee shop before ten on a Saturday morning, listening to the piped-in music and trying to fight down the things that are making my stomach churn.

Good morning. Hope the day turns out a little better, but it's sunny.
Daydream Believer

Resolve

Is the title the first or last thing you think up when you write something? A poem, an essay, a blog post, a story, a novel, an encyclopedia, whatever you write. I'm torn. Usually, it's the last thing I think up, because I tend to try to relate it somehow to everything I've written, and I don't plan writing the same way that Loud evidently does. (Where's that post now, huh?) So I don't know what a good title will be, normally, until whatever I've written is done. Every now and then I go the opposite way though, I take a word or a phrase that means something, even if only to me, and make sure whatever I write has some sort of connection. Occasionally the connection is totally organic, like today. It's New Years, a time when people make resolutions, the noun form of the verb to resolve. Resolve has a couple of meanings as a verb, lots actually. But this isn't really a vocabulary lesson, I promise. There are lots of ways the word resolve is used, but it mostly boils down to two overarching definitions, either decide or fix. As a noun it can mean strength or determination. All in all not bad thoughts to start the New Year on, if I may say so.

My own resolve is going to be tested. This coming year as well as in the years ahead. Everybody has a "they", something outside themself that has a hold on them, an effect on their decisions. Everybody occasionally at least does something for "them" instead of for themself. For some, it's God (Goddess, Gods, Goddesses, etc. God as a concept not an entity), for some, it's family, friends, strangers, society, various belief systems with varying degrees of arbitrariness and practicality. Assuming things don't change drastically in the ol' noggin in the near future, I'm going to have to tread lightly around "them" for a variety of reasons involving how I intend to defy convention. I grew up in a different world than my mother did, or her mother. Then again, maybe the apple doesn't fall so far from the tree after all. In my grandmother's generation, it was simply expected that she would get married and raise a gaggle of children. True to form, she didn't finish high school, got married at 16, and hauled the gaggle of kids all over the world following her Air Force husband. I usually forget that my grandmother recieved less formal education than I had by the time I was halfway through high school. I sometimes wonder what she might have done if things had worked out differently. Nobody's ever told me what the circumstances of her marriage were, but since her first child was born within the year, I can only assume that due to social convention she had to get married. It's entirely possible that that life was really and truly what she wanted for herself. I know someone who looks no further. Which makes me wonder if that particular dream is the "natural" one. Some would argue that it is "natural" or "normal" for people to want to fill their convential social roles. Wife, mother, grandmother, homemaker, caretaker. Of course, those are usually the people who also believe that homosexuality is "unnatural" but that's an issue for another day. I cannot fathom never wanting something else. Something more. I can't fathom being content in that life.
Part of it is power, and dependence. A huge part of that dream is the idea not necessarily of being rescued, but of being provided for. Maybe it's pragmatism that drives me away from that dream, the sheer impracticality of depending on someone else to take care of me for the rest of my, or their life. Even assuming there would be someone willing, what would happen to me if something happened to them? Besides, if someone has the power to give you something, they have the power to withold it. I sense there's more to it than practicality though. I want to do more. Social roles are changing. It is now more or less expected that a woman has a career in addition to her family. Or, like my mother, as a predecessor. Maybe it is natural to want a family, carreer or no.

I suppose I'm a touch unnatural then. My theory is that I'm wired a little differently. I expect to be mostly alone because of it. Which doesn't distress me much as soon as I let go of a particular heap of social conditioning surrounding family and relationships. That said, it isn't that I expect to be truly, stranded-on-a-desert-island alone, nor do I expect to be celibate or unfulfilled in any way. I just don't expect to have "that someone" that people tend to talk about. The reason for this (going back to those crossed wires) is that I seem to be a little different. As much as I can't fathom being a housewife and being happy with it, I can't really even see myself married in the future with any clarity. Ironically, the rationale behind that one is very much grounded in social conditioning and convention. I don't ever want to get divorced, and can't see myself ever being truly content with one individual and never wanting anyone else. Therefore I can't get married. Bear was aghast at this revelation. I'm pretty sure Loud was intrigued, particularly with the conversation that ensued. And in answer to the comment he made, navigating the future alone is both my intention and prediction. Assuming nothing major changes, I expect to navigate the future alone based on the reasoning above. Although the assumption is less that I'll be alone and more that there will always be people, just not a "special someone". But I think that I will enjoy doing so. You play the hand you're dealt, and I don't see any reason not to enjoy the game.

It seems odd to me that so many of the songs I've been listening to lately have themes of moving on. Because I can't seem to. Perhaps because it feels like unfinished business, curiosity, or just becuase I'm reluctant, as always, to say goodbye. I'm the same way with knicknacks. I'm a horrible packrat, both physically and emotionally. It takes a lot of strength to say goodbye, to walk away, but I figure it also takes strength to fight the battle you know you're going to lose. It takes guts to keep trusting someone, keep believing them, even when they give you no reason to. It takes guts to love knowing you won't be loved back, or won't be loved back the way you want. Years ago I was strong enough to walk away and never look back, and I'm proud of myself for that. This time it's different. Different situation, different people, even different me. I've recieved advice to walk two different ways, a prediction of the future, and lots of heartaches. As I've said so many times, I'm fine now, and I know I'll be fine, I'm just not sure what's going to happen between now and then. Hopefully all that will be fine too.

Maybe the decision will be made for me, but soon I'll have to decide stay or go. Who am I kidding? It's not the decision I'm dreading, it's breaking the news of it. The decision's as good as made. There, I said it, what he's been saying all along. Will seeing it coming make it hurt less? Doubtful.

Once again, I rung in the New Year with Loud, Gold, and Sphinx. It's becoming something of a tradition, I suppose. Not one I mind in the least.

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance
Why can't we give love that one more chance
Why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves

Under pressure

Can we play that game your way?
Can I really lose control?

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.


My resolve has not yet been tested. I have never faced a real question. I haven't had to make that decision, and I don't know what I'll do if/when I do. Everyone has boundaries, right now it's not mine that are protecting me. I don't know where mine are. But I'll find out.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

To Sweet Beginnings...

It's right, in a lot of ways, that I spent New Years Eve with Gold, with Loud, and with Sphinx. The year has come full circle, and aside from being a lot of fun, the evening felt full of poetic justice and the tying of loose ends... or the dripping of wax onto already-tied knots, in some cases.

All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

The girl who attended last years' party at Loud's would have been completely confused, befuddled, and more than a little distressed by the current state of events, and guess what? I'm not. Because I'm not her, and probably never will be her again. (Side note, brilliant book about identity: The Third Woman, by Mark Burnell, but it won't make much sense without reading the first three, The Rhythm Section, Chameleon, and Gemini, but they also deal with identity, so it still works.) And guess what? I'm okay with that, despite feeling no particular animosity towards her. And that, my friends, is this year's big step, not feeling animosity towards who I have been while pursuing who I will be, and at the same time not ignoring who I am at the moment.

To sweet beginnings and bitter endings,
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven,
Don't give it back, winter is coming,
And I need to stay warm.

Anyways, I'm looking down the barrel of a cannon full of possibilities, which makes me happy, since none of them look really unfriendly. While it'sgood to be home, I'll be glad to be back South.

We found a map to buried treasure,
And even if we come home empty handed,
We'll still have our stories, battle scars,
Pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships.
And when this hourglass
Has filtered out its final grain of sand,
I'll raise my glass to the memories we had.

Yes, I made some resolutions. And yes, I'd be glad to hear yours, and here's hoping they're more original than "Quit spending money and lose 10 pounds". Not that they aren't worthy goals, but come up with something interesting for New Years. Here's a few that I read or heard various places:

Laugh more.
Drink less coffee.
Sit down and look at the stars/clouds for at least 20 minutes at least once a month.
Do something every day that scares you.
Strike up a conversation with a stranger on public transit or in a grocery store.
Walk or bike somewhere you'd normally drive once a week. (Maybe this one just in the summer for those of us living somewhere very very cold.)
Skip stones. Even if you don't know how.
Smile wider.
Arbitrarily break your routine.
Randomly break into song/dance at least once. (No, DDR does not count)

Alrighty, so there's some interesting New Years Resolutions I've seen. Anyways, that basically covers it in the "things I meant to say when I got to a computer" department, at least, I think it does... if not, there's always tomorrow.


So here's to sweet beginnings, bitter endings or not.
Happy New Year, Keep Dreaming in 2008.
Daydream Believer

A Bite Before Lunch

Promiscuity

You see that subtitle, and you assume sexually promiscuous, but I'm going in a whole other direction today. Ever thought about emotional promiscuity? Feeling too much for someone, or feeling something for too many someones, or any combination or extension of the two. I could debate whether emotions are physical or metaphysical, or how to decipher that annoying little feeling in your gut that bears an uncanny resemblance to thousand-pound butterflies. How can something that heavy flutter, I ask you? That's not the point. I would argue that there's as much or more opportunity to get hurt by being emotionally promiscuous as by being sexually promiscuous. Of course, there are those who would disagree with me, but there are those who disagree with me whatever I say. But no one's concerned about discouraging emotional promiscuity. You can feel whatever you want, just don't act on it.

Abstinence

Ok, here's me waxing political for a little while. In the United States of America, "land of the free, home of the brave", there are places where the only kind of health education there is in secondary schools is abstinence only. These are not private, religious schools (although that really wouldn't excuse it) but public schools. State funded schools. In the United States, the ignorance of youth is paid for by Americans' tax dollars. For anyone who doesn't understand exactly what Abstinence-Only sex education is, it's exactly as the name implies. There is no discussion of contraception or ways to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. One slogan used in such programs is, "The only safe sex is married sex." The rationale for these programs? If youths don't know that there are options about contraception, they just won't have sex until they get married. That's just great, isn't it? Because not telling adolescents about contraception is definitely going to stop them from having sex, because nobody ever had sex before contraception was invented, because marriage is always faithful, because nothing ever gets out of hand. Sometimes, abstinence works as a method of contraception, but sometimes it doesn't, and in those situations, there needs to be a backup available. In addition, if a person decides not to engage in any sexual activity before marriage, there is a strong likelihood that they will rush into marriage.

Long story short: wake up and smell the coffee, America, abstinence-only sex education isn't helping anyone.


Anyways... Happy New Year, since this will probably be my last post of 2006. 2007 should be interesting, and here's hoping it'll be a good one.

In other news... Evanescence rocks! Hee hee hee, I can't wait.
28 hours keeps getting closer and closer. I can't wait.
No word yet on Disney... although at this point I could live without it.
8.5 till freedom. I really can't wait for that.

FWF
So yeah... now I feel really strange. I can't quite place the gut feeling here... or maybe I can, and just don't want to admit to it. I'm not sure. I thrive on pushing limits, but the limits here are a little closer than they might otherwise be. And there's more of a chance that the limits will move without my knowing, and there's more at risk if I push a little too far.

Terror
You're worrying, and with good reason. You've got a fair amount to worry about here, but I hope it turns out alright for you. Preferably without any violence. Remember, they're both being jerks, and you don't have to stand in between them to stop them from butting heads, because all that will do is make them both headbutt you. And that won't solve anything.

Bear
Indecision bites, doesn't it? I say, give up on #1, but that's just my two cents. Of course the decision is yours to make. 2 and 3 both look very promising, and there's no sense settling down just now, I agree. You're young, unsettle.

Gold
28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours....
Can you tell I'm a little bit excited?

Loud
Good to see that you and Star are talking things over. Keep me posted on New Years plans.

Anyways, lunch break's starting
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer