Sweet

Oh my stars, the number of song lines I cycled through trying to come up with an opening for this post. Nothing seems to fit.
I'm in a good mood today, despite coming altogether too close to coughing up my lungs for my liking. I'm managing. I really feel like things are under control, which I have to admit, is a feeling I really enjoy. Two months is nothing. I'm not quite over the hump, but close. I can make it to Christmas, and once I've made it that far, the rest will fall into place. I've fallen into place here. I feel like I fit. It's good. I feel like I'm on top of my responsibilities, not getting crushed under them, and having a little fun too. Just tethered enough. Maybe this time I'll be able to manage the avoidance of strings.
It's not about peace, it's like martial arts, to be still without being still. I feel like that right now, and right now everything seems okay. But that could be the sniffles talking.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Have You Any Dreams You'd Like to Sell?

So counting down, again. If I had a penny for everything I've counted down to. Right now, with only a bit over a week until NaNoWriMo begins again, I think it's totally fine for me to be looking forward to it, stocking the fridge with food I eat when stressed and exhausted, and yes, panicking about lack of plot. Unfortunately, I've been watching far too many Joss Whedon TV shows to feel confident in the originality of my ideas. Erp. Oh well, as usual, jump in and see. There may well be vampires involved. Because I loved them before Stephanie Meyer brought them into the spotlight.

Oh dear, I just looked at the calendar, guess what's exactly two months away today. Oh dear. And the crisis begins... now? More like continues. It's not like I haven't been wondering what I'm doing with my life for the past, oh, let's just say several years. And really, I've never felt more secure in the knowledge that it'll all work out. And it's not like I'm the first of my friends to cross this threshold, in fact, close to the last. So why does this feeling of dread fall on me like so many bricks?

On the other hand, that means I only have about 2 months until my sunny warm Christmas. There's something strangely appealing about wearing shorts (shut up, Loud, I mean comfortably and not for the purpose of jumping into snowbanks) around Christmastime.

I got off the ground today!!!! Even if I was partially lifted. Progress!

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Till I Am

Who'd have thought that a song called "Crazy Bitch" could seem so romantic? This side of a good night's sleep, it doesn't, except for that odd memory. Still haven't decoded that funny look... but I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it now.

So maybe I'm walking the razor's edge, given history, and its unsettling habit of repeating itself. In terms of "what might have been" there's quite a bit. Maybe it still could be, but I doubt it. We're not who we were. Maybe it feels so safe because its not, the same way that some things feel so scary because for once there's nothing to be afraid of. Another chip off the ol' shell, I suppose.

Yes, it's a hellhole, but dammit, it's my hellhole. I guess that's why I smiled all day today. When I wouldn't last night... or couldn't.

Relative reality... hm, there's a concept I could sink my teeth into. Nothing more than what you can perceive exists, or even if it did, you wouldn't notice it. The only truth you can find is the one you come up with yourself.

Keep dreaming.
Daydream Believer

How can I fit so many labels onto such a short post? Metaphors and total lack of clarity!

People Really Suck Sometimes

Joy, one strung along, one majorly confused, one very angry, one a little oblivious, one the cause of it all. And then here's me, sitting on the other side of the room. I could really go for something interesting that isn't petty drama. I wish things would sort out, and they probably will. But I wish they'd hurry up about it. I suppose one only wants what one can't have, and that one can have a whole hell of a lot, apparently. I don't know why. I don't know how, and to be honest, I don't particularly care, I just wish... well, it really doesn't matter, does it? I can't change anything, the arena's far too small. Although I really wish I'd never heard those words out loud, just been left to imagine it. Better to think someone wants you out of their face than have them open their mouth and prove it.

Daydream Believer

Misery Loves Company

Fucking christ. If you want to tell me to bugger off, by all means, tell me to bugger off. Just don't try to make it sound like you're doing me a favour. I can take a lot more than you expect I can. I'm probably going to regret a lot tomorrow. At least the light was off. Fuck. Misery loves company. Shame I'm alone right now, isn't it?

Daydream Believer

Chances Are

It's all about chances, odds, luck, fate. It's about circles. All of a sudden, I'm back at the same place in this circle, but this time you're at the right place in your circle. Geographic circles are another thing entirely, however, and that's why this is just another pile of what-ifs. I know myself, and I know exactly where this will end, and by the end of it, you won't be the only one that's blue. Christmas seems far away. This is really ironic, it seems that once again I've been posessed by the god/dess of bad timing. That's right, it was the "MFM" look... and that's right, she was right again. To quote a conversation with MFM himself, "This is a fine pickle we've gotten ourselves into, isn't it?" "No, I like pickles, this is more of an onion." Oy vey.

The other half of that lyric?

So close them tight and kiss me one last time.

So now I'm playing with fire, courting disaster, some might say. Like a chainsaw that you can only get in one store that's a very long way away.

Daydream Believer

Sad Eyes

Every time. Same thing over and over again. Never any resolution, we just try to forget it ever happened, until the next time. And somehow it's always my fault. And yet nothing I say can possibly make it any better. So what's the point of having these conversations. You get mad, I get mad, and everything gets worse.
I get it, I get that I'm a terrible person, and you're a wonderful one, and that you'd never do the awful, terrible things to me that I do to you, but really, I do get sick of hearing it over and over again.
How come you never apologize to my face? I didn't think of this at the time, but maybe subconsciously I was walking away because I know we never resolve anything face to face.


Sometimes I cannot stand you. Maybe it's because I see the things I hate most about myself in you, maybe it's simply because I see a lot of myself in you, and I was never meant to get along with someone who's like me. This is why I've been chewing so much gum lately. It's much easier to bite down on a wad of chewing gum to shut yourself up than it is to bite your own tongue. Trust me, I've got lots of practice, and it hurts. Maybe I haven't got any right to be this angry, but I am. I'm practically fit to be tied. What I don't understand is why things changed. I have a gut feeling, but I'm not sure. Either you changed, or I changed, or we simply had a major difference of opinion that threw the minor ones into sharp relief. Maybe that's it. A difference of opinion.

5...4...3...2...1...
Last few feet of the mudslide. Maybe it's time to dig in my heels.

On another analogical note entirely, I feel like I'm slowly being pulled up the lift hill towards the top of a really freakin' high roller coaster. In case I haven't mentioned this to you before, I'm terrified of heights. As soon as I get over the top of that lift hill, I'm going too fast and screaming too loud to even notice most of what's going on. It's the lift hill that's the killer. The anticipation.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
P.S. Maybe it is too late, Ace, but I've always had a penchant for lost causes.