WTF Circles

I'm somewhere in limbo again. In a not-so-happy limbo I keep finding myself in between "Everything's going great" and "what the fuck?". Because I was thinking "Everything's going great" and he said "not so much" so now I'm "what the fuck?"

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know if I did anything wrong. This happens to me all the time. I'm used to it. Or should be. Something about me triggers the "cut-and-run" impulse, and I don't know what it is. I seem to do it to the nicest guys. And the true jackasses, but that's another story. Maybe I turn nice guys into true jackasses.

I want to know why the light was on 5 hours later. It may seem a little creepy. It was very likely masochistic to walk by the house, just to see, I told myself, just to see. Entirely prepared and totally caught off guard by what I saw. In the absence of a truth, any truth, all lies seem cataclysmic. Like the reason the light was on. A question I'll never get an answer to, because to admit I noticed is to admit I walked past. A little torture never killed anyone, right? Most of all, I just want to know why. I've almost kicked the habit. It was a full two beats before I went to "I'm not pretty enough". There was enough time for a solid thought in there. The solid thoughts I've been working so hard to cultivate, which don't seem to come from the inside. At least not with any power.

Is this why Wednesday was too far away? I wonder if she gave the ultimatum. I wonder if that's why. If he's not as hardheaded as he seems. I wonder if he'll drift into obscurity just like the rest. Just friends. I wonder, sometimes, how many really mean it. God knows I meant "I'd rather never speak to you again, but that sounds so cruel" Who's tried to spare me the cruelty?

This time I'll do better. For myself. I won't run. I won't flinch. And he'll tell me why even if as soon as I leave I'm an emotional pile of mush, I'll listen to every goddamn word.  I won't have to chase him down for clarification in a week, or a month. And for the love of the flying spaghetti monster and all that is good and holy, I will learn to let it go, if and when it needs to be let go.

May you know when to give the signale. And never give it early.