Miserere Mei
It's over, and it sucked. I wanted you there, but as the evening progressed, I came to the realization that I didn't want you to see me like that. You've seen a few bad moments, but I don't want you to see them all. I don't want to be your charity case, I don't want to become a string of bad moments linked together only with tears. That was a bad moment you were better off not seeing.
Bear
You might wonder why I never told you to stop, that you should stop, that you had to stop. It's not because I don't want you to. It's not because I don't care, it's not because I think it's OK. It's not. I'd like to say I understand, I know what you go though, but I can't, because I don't. I've never said anything because I don't want to be a hypocrite. Nor do I want to sound like a broken record. At this point you may ask if this is an experience we've both had. It isn't. Not that I never wanted to, not that I never felt that push. Understand, I'm not trying to lord it over you, "I was strong while you succumbed to temptation." That's not it at all. I was just always too much of a chickenshit.
SS
I don't want you to worry about me. I've told you a lot of my worries, and I don't want you to worry that they're slowly killing me. They're not, they're just nagging like the mother of a teenager. The thing is, when I'm with you, they evaporate. No, not even evaporate, just disappear completely. I just feel like nothing else matters, I can just let everything else drop. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it scares the living shit out of me, to be honest. I've always been one of those "empowered" people, you know, live your own life, don't screw with your dreams just because somebody else is suddenly in the picture. That kind. Well, the scary bit is, all of a sudden, all those things I've been thinking about just don't seem so important anymore. And I know it's not smart, and I know it makes me a terrible feminist, but it's true. On the one hand, my head is shouting at me to get a grip on myself, on the other hand, my head is saying, "well, maybe this isn't as bad as I previously thought it would be." The reason I didn't tell you this sooner? I don't want you to worry about me. This isn't a worry, it's just something I have to sort out.
Hallelujah
Walking the line between elation and desperation, something I haven't experienced in awhile. Usually, though, both come from the same source. In this case, on the short term, everything's fabulous, but the long-term is screwing me over. Like, I'm-up-shit-creek-without-a-paddle-in-a-chicken-wire-canoe screwing me over. If you haven't heard me rant, rave, or cry about this yet, consider yourself lucky, but your odds of remaining that way are slim.
Alright, I've got stuff to accomplish in the next little while. If I snap, scream, rant, rave, cry, or have a nervous breakdown, don't panic, just stop time for a few days while I get my bearings. This'll all work out somehow. I have to believe that.
Daydream Believer
2 comments:
I did succum to temptation, but it's been almost 4 years since I started and I've come to terms with it now. I like to think I'm a better person because I got through it. And had you told me to stop, I wouldn't have listened. I've had so many people tell me that I needed to stop, and I knew it was bad, and yet I continued. In the end, I quit for myself, not for anyone else and I'm happy with that. Like I said in my post; it's going to happen again, I know it is. And when it does I'll quit again for myself. Being chickenshit is good sometimes, it's what's kept me from taking it a step further when life sucks.
If you need someone to rant to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to pick up the pieces, I seem to be around a lot. :)
I dont worry about you as much as you might think. But of course I worry about you, thats the way I am, I want to make sure everthing is allright with the people around me.I knew you were one of those "empowered people" when I met you, but to tell the truth normaly, I try to stay away from those "empowered people" because they tend to only focus on there goals in life and nothing else. But with you I didnt care, it didnt scare me away. We dont know what the future holds, only time will tell. In the other hand im quiet different I just go with flow, thats how I try live my life, I dont have any plans, I just go with the flow. As for wednesday night, as you know I really wanted to be there, but however I had exams to study for, but the whole time I was just thinking about how much I wanted to be there, and I want to know what was that moment that I was better off not seeing. and why would you become a string of bad moments lnked together only with tears? Tell me.
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