Flying Blind

So, remember when I kept mentioning something about 8 months about, oh... 8 months ago? Yeah, so it's over... or begun... whatever. This isn't a place for academics or anything... So, haven't broken down yet, based on my summer camp experience, it's only a matter of time. A lot of changes. Not least of which being brand-new sheets. I haven't slept on brand-new sheets in about four years, with the exception of the last three days. Then there's sharing a room, which I haven't done for longer than two weeks in the last four years. Fortunately the person I'm sharing a room with is a lot more cooperative about it than my younger sister was. Another Red.

Then there's the lack of supervision. I like the freedom. I like not having someone hanging over my head all the time, I'm not going to lie. I'm a little worried that this will cause me to fall victim to my worse habits, but not terribly. I have to admit I'm more concerned about my emotional well-being, and not just because I'm far away from everything I've ever known.

I'm going to become rather obsessed with the symbolic value of that bridge. Yes, it's a real bridge. I can see it from the end of my street. It's a bizarrely comforting link to the past, to a time that was scary as hell then, but is quite a pleasant memory now. I guess I'm in a position where I want those pleasant memories. Plus it's a handy way too tell how far I've walked or biked, and how far I have to go before I can shower or sleep.

At least I'm talking. I'll admit it, I feel a little out of my depth here. Or a lot out of my depth. I've had few experiences others haven't had.

I'm going to have to make my peace with this emerald-eyed smiling beast. I should have known I couldn't escape it, although I expected a reprieve until tomorrow at least. I was hoping for a much longer reprieve. I should know better.

I don't know which causes more problems, when I'm chemically uninhibited, or when my inhibitions come back. You know, maybe they never really disappeared. I felt fine for awhile. I knew I should have gone dancing. Although then I'd be making assumptions I've got no right to be making. Unlike the assumptions I'm making now, those I have every right to make. I can see it. I feel like Timon... "Here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two." It's only been two days, dammit, I was turning over a new leaf. I guess you can't escape your own nature that easily. Or your own shortcomings. I should have seen it coming. Now I just have to make sure I don't say or do anything too stupid in the near future. I won't hate or resent them. I won't. I'll turn that fucking leaf over if it kills me. Which it might. My emotions like to stew and fester. On the bright side, this may be just the motivation I need to get off my ass and do some exercise. Fastest way to burn the festering emotion out of my guts. Won't do my physical guts any harm either.

All of a sudden that half-empty nalgene bottle looks pretty inviting.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea of having no idea where I'm going than I've been in a month.

Daydream Believer

P.S. Baer, you'll find it interesting to note that I'm quite comfortable in this situation, even though I wasn't when I was wearing the sparkly dress.