Dark Horse

It's one of those days where you really want to be somewhere subterranean, if for no other reason than to escape the heat.

Alright so a tally of people who have almost made me cry/made me want to cry in the last 5 days...
My Draconian Boss (well I already know he's generally a prick)
Bear (Not intentionally, one of those bittersweet things)
Loud (Ditto)
SS (A long story...)
My Parents (Enough said)
My Siblings (Ditto)
CR (Again, bittersweet)
Heater (Ditto)



That's a lot of reasons to be close to tears, but I'm saving all the bittersweet ones for a couple of weeks... I'm going to at least put forward an effort to limit the number of times makeup makes ugly black streaks down my face.

On another note entirely, there's someone who I have this kind of "I like you usually, but sometimes I really want to smack that smug smirk off your face" relationship with. I already know Gold would tell me to do it... but even he might be surprised by who winds up with a red welt across their cheek. (Gold, if you're reading this, don't worry, it's not you.)

Quotes
There is nothing that is there in the dark that is not there in the light, except darkness itself.
There is nothing to fear, save fear itself.

What's the worst that could happen?- Famous last words.

Quote from Bear....
"Why do I find to so easy to picture [Ace] and [Gold] having a catfight?"

This is what I get for rereading all those old notes, eh? Speaking of Bear... I call dibs on wearing the dress for the long, boring, life-changing ceremony.

There's something about this time of year that leaves me feeling slightly exhilarated and gives me the distinct feeling that I can do anything, that anything is possible. Most people have to have a lot of chemicals in their system before they start thinking that. Maybe I'm just lucky that way.


I think things are finally starting to gloss over with Ace. Loyalties are finicky things. A note to Ace, in case he ever reads this and recognizes himself, Just because I care about you doesn't make me your mother, I promise. And I think I do a pretty good job of acting my age, you just don't notice when I act too young to be your mother. Which I am. By a good 40 years... but that's beside the point.

The next couple of weeks, and the two months after that, are going to be like tobogganning down a mudslide. Really really fast, and you get to the end and go, "did I seriously just do that?" Yep. Just like a big old roller coaster.

It's been one hell of a ride.

Daydream Believer

A Mouth With Legs...

Ah yes, forced to use idiot exploiter... stupid machines. But I'm back, for a little while at least.


You Talk About Heaven, But You Said You Don't Believe In God?
My beliefs are complex. Give me a break, this is a time when I'm supposed to be changing my mind every 20 minutes or so, isn't it? You'd think I was weirder if I was sure. I do keep changing my mind, because I keep finding out about things I hadn't considered. Previously I found myself best classified as "none of the above". However, now I think maybe it would be more accurate to say "all of the above" or at least "none of the above exclusively".

In any case, during my little hiatus while my computer was simply not behaving itself, I thought of a couple of interesting things, which thankfully I had the presence of mind to write down, because I never seem to be near a notebook, let alone a computer when I start thinking about stuff.

Nothin' But A Heartache
If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was heartbroken. I'm not heartbroken. I am feeling the effects of a loss though. Whoever said you can't miss what you've never had was a liar. That or they always had what they wanted. Granted, if you'd asked me a month ago whether I had this or not, I'd have said I did. Now I know that I was wrong.
Conflict. Can you care for someone you don't respect? Can you respect someone and want to slap the smirk off their face at the same time? Can you hold partial respect for someone?
I'm trying to sort it out. Comeone I want to slap, someone I want to hug. Someone I want to make cry. Someone I want to keep from crying.
I'm too close to this. I'm too far in to get out. I shouldn't be here in the first place, but now I'm here to the bitter end.
Do I still care? Of Course. So I think that's wise? No. I keep asking myself the eternal question, "What if things were different?"
The fires are out, the burns bandaged, but itwill be a long time before they fade. For whatever part I played in this, I am sorry. Is this perhaps a pain, like so many others, that was created through my own device? I wouldn't be surprised, I've got a knack for this shit.

Empty Orchestra
Froosh! We fall out of the sky. We scream around corners, caught up in a world so vibrant that it makes high-definition look like a grainy old black and white TV. So vibrant it's surreal. This is a once in a lifetime experience, and it's one that's changed us. We may not know who we are, even if we did before, but we know that we don't have to. We can face anything. It's not about how far you fall, it's about how high you bounce when you hit bottom. Life isn't about plan A anymore.

Alright, I think that's pretty close to enough soul-searching type stuff for now. In other news, finally saw all three spiderman movies... not too bad, although I still think the emo version of Peter Parker is just not right...

Anyways, one thing that's really present in my mind right now is music. And lots of it too. I have a few snippets of lyrics running through my head right now.

What kind of world do you want

Think anything

Let’s start at the start

Build a masterpiece

Be careful what you wish for

History starts now

--World, Five For Fighting

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"
--Wonder, Natalie Merchant

And, the newest addition to my little list of quotes:

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
--Voltaire

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Daydream Believer
P.S. Much as I wish I'd thought up that last quote, no... it's Edgar Allan Poe.

Don't Push The Big Red Button

Today's mantra: "Don't do it..."

Don't get me wrong, every one's entitled to their opinion, but such broad generalizations need one hell of a case to back them up. Until I see that, you're not going to convince me. Not to mention whatever underlying problems may or may not exist within this problem.

Don't you dare write my opinions off just because they come from me. Either you agree with an opinion, or you don't, and that shouldn't change in accordance with who voices it. Don't assume I agree with you. Don't put words in my mouth.

I'm not sure why it is, in fact I'm pretty sure there's no reason for it at all, but certain people have this mystical ability to make me feel unsure of myself, incapable, incompetent, and powerless. I know that I am both capable and competent, but every now and then it is called into question.

People say, "I always speak my mind" as if it's a good thing. There is nothing glorious or brave about speaking your mind if the only purpose it serves is to hurt someone. It is good to know your opinions, and it is good to be unafraid to express them. It is equally good to have the judgement to know when to bite your tongue.

Everything in life is cyclic. This is how it was always meant to be. It's just a matter of remembering that nothing is permanent. Everything changes, and there's no way to stop it. Life is as simple and complex as a series of circles, ever-decreasing in size, and although at many points throughout life we may find ourselves at the same point in one cycle, we will never be at the same point in each of the various cycles of our existence at the same time again.

I am now the oldest I have ever been, and the youngest I will ever be.

I don't know who said that, but they're right. Kinda gives me a funny carpe-diem kind of feeling.

Sometimes you wonder. I figure it must be normal to wonder, at least for me, because I do it all the time, and as far as I can tell, there's no way to stop it. I wonder how I got here, where I'm going. I wonder about what might have been. I try not to think about that one too much. Only leads to trouble.

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. You have to look straight into the eyes in the mirror and give that insolent bastard a good talking to. Sometimes you have to give that frightened little person a good pep talk. It's up to you.

Maybe all I need is a little fresh air and sunshine.

In spite of it all, lately I've been feeling good. Not just good, but good. I've got a good feeling about tomorrow. Not the literal... oh 6 and a half hours or so from now when I wake up tomorrow, tomorrow in general. I'm looking forward to it. There are opportunities out there, and dammit, I'm going to seize them.

Look to the future, sure, but don't trip over the present while you're at it.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

PS, lately I've been feeling decidedly feline. I think maybe you're on to something, Gold.

There's No Business Like Show Business

So I heard the cries of "Update! Update!" and I do have a legitimate explanation for it... for some reason unbeknownst to me my computer just doesn' t want to run blogger anymore... so I found a way around it, as I usually try to do.

Plus, lately, I've been crazy busy.

I've never wanted to punch that particular person in the face nearly so much before, and maybe the next time I'm told I'm lying when I say I'm ok, I will. I guess I've never taken kindly to being called a whore.

Speaking of people I wanted to punch in the face lately... sometimes people just get under your skin for no reason. Not because they're trying to, they just happen to do it. And God only knows that sometimesthat makes it just as bad, if not worse.

Speaking of people I've wanted to puch in the face lately, my boss is not among that number. I know, it comes as a shock to my system as well. Maybe I'm not giving the guy quite enough credit. He gave me the time off I needed, without a fuss or a fight. I'm impressed. Maybe I finally have a little pull after all. God knows I've been there long enough.

I knew I should have gone with my gut and held on to the damn memory stick.

I had a lot of things to say in the last little while... now all of a sudden, they're kind of gone. That's ok, I'm sure they'll come back.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer