Promiscuity
You see that subtitle, and you assume sexually promiscuous, but I'm going in a whole other direction today. Ever thought about emotional promiscuity? Feeling too much for someone, or feeling something for too many someones, or any combination or extension of the two. I could debate whether emotions are physical or metaphysical, or how to decipher that annoying little feeling in your gut that bears an uncanny resemblance to thousand-pound butterflies. How can something that heavy flutter, I ask you? That's not the point. I would argue that there's as much or more opportunity to get hurt by being emotionally promiscuous as by being sexually promiscuous. Of course, there are those who would disagree with me, but there are those who disagree with me whatever I say. But no one's concerned about discouraging emotional promiscuity. You can feel whatever you want, just don't act on it.
Abstinence
Ok, here's me waxing political for a little while. In the United States of America, "land of the free, home of the brave", there are places where the only kind of health education there is in secondary schools is abstinence only. These are not private, religious schools (although that really wouldn't excuse it) but public schools. State funded schools. In the United States, the ignorance of youth is paid for by Americans' tax dollars. For anyone who doesn't understand exactly what Abstinence-Only sex education is, it's exactly as the name implies. There is no discussion of contraception or ways to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. One slogan used in such programs is, "The only safe sex is married sex." The rationale for these programs? If youths don't know that there are options about contraception, they just won't have sex until they get married. That's just great, isn't it? Because not telling adolescents about contraception is definitely going to stop them from having sex, because nobody ever had sex before contraception was invented, because marriage is always faithful, because nothing ever gets out of hand. Sometimes, abstinence works as a method of contraception, but sometimes it doesn't, and in those situations, there needs to be a backup available. In addition, if a person decides not to engage in any sexual activity before marriage, there is a strong likelihood that they will rush into marriage.
Long story short: wake up and smell the coffee, America, abstinence-only sex education isn't helping anyone.
Anyways... Happy New Year, since this will probably be my last post of 2006. 2007 should be interesting, and here's hoping it'll be a good one.
In other news... Evanescence rocks! Hee hee hee, I can't wait.
28 hours keeps getting closer and closer. I can't wait.
No word yet on Disney... although at this point I could live without it.
8.5 till freedom. I really can't wait for that.
FWF
So yeah... now I feel really strange. I can't quite place the gut feeling here... or maybe I can, and just don't want to admit to it. I'm not sure. I thrive on pushing limits, but the limits here are a little closer than they might otherwise be. And there's more of a chance that the limits will move without my knowing, and there's more at risk if I push a little too far.
Terror
You're worrying, and with good reason. You've got a fair amount to worry about here, but I hope it turns out alright for you. Preferably without any violence. Remember, they're both being jerks, and you don't have to stand in between them to stop them from butting heads, because all that will do is make them both headbutt you. And that won't solve anything.
Bear
Indecision bites, doesn't it? I say, give up on #1, but that's just my two cents. Of course the decision is yours to make. 2 and 3 both look very promising, and there's no sense settling down just now, I agree. You're young, unsettle.
Gold
28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours....
Can you tell I'm a little bit excited?
Loud
Good to see that you and Star are talking things over. Keep me posted on New Years plans.
Anyways, lunch break's starting
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
No Day But Today
28 Hours, 28 Hours, 28 Hours in less than 4 Months!
Right now, I'm just counting down the days until 28 hours. I can't wait. To those of you who deal with me on a daily basis, I apologize in advance for the hyperactivity and excitement which will without doubt get annoying within a week or so. It's going to be bloody brilliant.
Changes
She came back for a few days. I think--I hope-- she's gone on her not-so-merry way by now, but those were not a fun few days. Quite frankly, I never wanted to see her again, much less allow anyone else to see her. But I think I've managed to ditch her once again, and hopefully this time my escape will be a little more permanent.
Gold, if you want to see how I've changed, ask me about the last week or so.
Waiting... Waiting...
In other news, finally got finished with something that's been driving me clear up the wall lately, mostly because it requires me to actually think about, and more vexingly make decisions about, the future. My future. But it's done, so now I just have to wait and hope I don't get laughed out of line, so to speak.
I think that's maybe what prompted the ever-so-lovely, "What's going to happen to us?" question I had to deal with yesterday. I'll say it straight out, I'm worried. Terrified, actually. I don't know what's going to happen to us, what's going to happen to me, what's going to happen to you. All we can do is wait and see.
Right now, I'm just counting down the days until 28 hours. I can't wait. To those of you who deal with me on a daily basis, I apologize in advance for the hyperactivity and excitement which will without doubt get annoying within a week or so. It's going to be bloody brilliant.
Changes
She came back for a few days. I think--I hope-- she's gone on her not-so-merry way by now, but those were not a fun few days. Quite frankly, I never wanted to see her again, much less allow anyone else to see her. But I think I've managed to ditch her once again, and hopefully this time my escape will be a little more permanent.
Gold, if you want to see how I've changed, ask me about the last week or so.
Waiting... Waiting...
In other news, finally got finished with something that's been driving me clear up the wall lately, mostly because it requires me to actually think about, and more vexingly make decisions about, the future. My future. But it's done, so now I just have to wait and hope I don't get laughed out of line, so to speak.
I think that's maybe what prompted the ever-so-lovely, "What's going to happen to us?" question I had to deal with yesterday. I'll say it straight out, I'm worried. Terrified, actually. I don't know what's going to happen to us, what's going to happen to me, what's going to happen to you. All we can do is wait and see.
I've always wondered where I'm going, and whether the trip is going to be pleasant.
Song Lyrics
This is a fantastic song which I adore singing, even though I usually can't make it through a phrase without breathing, usually at a quite inopportune moment. However, I think it's brilliant, and parts of it describe my feelings about certain people and certain situations pretty accurately. It's always creepy/fun when you hear a song that sounds like the writer was pulling stuff out of your head to put into a song.
Song Lyrics
This is a fantastic song which I adore singing, even though I usually can't make it through a phrase without breathing, usually at a quite inopportune moment. However, I think it's brilliant, and parts of it describe my feelings about certain people and certain situations pretty accurately. It's always creepy/fun when you hear a song that sounds like the writer was pulling stuff out of your head to put into a song.
Breathe (2 am)
Anna Nalick
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
Anna Nalick
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
I find it interesting how several different songs, all called "Breathe", can have such different characters. There are more than this I'm sure, but I'm thinking of this one, one by Melissa Etheridge, one by Shania Twain, and one by Faith Hill. They're all very different, but they do have this commonality that I can't quite put my finger on.
Long story short- music is amazing.
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer
Long story short- music is amazing.
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer
Monday, December 18, 2006
Nose To The Grindstone
I hate how when I have the most arbitrary, superfluous stuff to get done is when I have the most ideas that are begging to be written down. I write almost as much as I talk, which is to say a lot. The ideas are threatening to take me over, and have been giving me bizarre dreams. I also hate how, with all these ideas in my head, as soon as I'm staring at a blank computer screen with a keyboard at my fingertips, or an empty notebook page with pen in hand, they evaporate and I'm blocked. So here's me trying to de-block so I can get some proper sleep tonight.
He's baaaaack. And he's pissed. Fortunately for me, he's also jet-lagged, and hitting the hay well before I do every night, giving me at least a couple of hours of peace per day. For now at least. Jet-lag doesn't last much more than a week, and my patience is already wearing thin. I suspect that I will miss the 7-hour waste of my time far more than I would if he was still in parts unknown.
Speaking of blocks, communication blocks. I hate them. Right now, they're rearing their ugly heads right between me and SS, and I'm not sure why, between me and FWF, because apparently we don't have anything in common, and every time I try to start a meaningful or interesting conversation, I am reminded of that. There's that lovely communication block between me and red, which I'm not sure how to fix. It's possible that after all this time, and all this rotation, from which we seem to have been exempt, it's just our time to move apart. I hope not though. Then there's the other CR, who seems to be blocking everyone out, not just me. But still, there's something irritating about reaching out a hand only to have it slapped away.
I walk next to the wolf. Next to, but not near. A safe distance. A respectful distance. I've never felt there was much use to distance. I don't know why that distance appeared, or grew, but it did, and I am no longer in a position to close it. So I wait. And hope. Hope it's not too late, hope something didn't go terribly awry. It's all I can do for now.
Weird day today, almost got an early escape from the house of grease (ie: do you want fries with that?), thanks to an as of yet inexplicable blackout. Key word being almost. Five minutes from freedom, and had to put it in reverse. Blast.
Tomorrow should be fun, much singing, dancing, and eating. Not all at the same time, though.
I'm still pretty blocked, but exhaustion is starting to set in. Something about fitful, dream-filled sleep just isn't as restful. Oh well, I'll roll myself out of bed in the morning and have another day tomorrow.
Daydream Believer
He's baaaaack. And he's pissed. Fortunately for me, he's also jet-lagged, and hitting the hay well before I do every night, giving me at least a couple of hours of peace per day. For now at least. Jet-lag doesn't last much more than a week, and my patience is already wearing thin. I suspect that I will miss the 7-hour waste of my time far more than I would if he was still in parts unknown.
Speaking of blocks, communication blocks. I hate them. Right now, they're rearing their ugly heads right between me and SS, and I'm not sure why, between me and FWF, because apparently we don't have anything in common, and every time I try to start a meaningful or interesting conversation, I am reminded of that. There's that lovely communication block between me and red, which I'm not sure how to fix. It's possible that after all this time, and all this rotation, from which we seem to have been exempt, it's just our time to move apart. I hope not though. Then there's the other CR, who seems to be blocking everyone out, not just me. But still, there's something irritating about reaching out a hand only to have it slapped away.
I walk next to the wolf. Next to, but not near. A safe distance. A respectful distance. I've never felt there was much use to distance. I don't know why that distance appeared, or grew, but it did, and I am no longer in a position to close it. So I wait. And hope. Hope it's not too late, hope something didn't go terribly awry. It's all I can do for now.
Weird day today, almost got an early escape from the house of grease (ie: do you want fries with that?), thanks to an as of yet inexplicable blackout. Key word being almost. Five minutes from freedom, and had to put it in reverse. Blast.
Only 7 days till C-day.
Only 4 till 17. That's going to be interesting. I've been thinking about it. I probably think too much, but I can't help it. It's one of my talents. This year was supposed to be pretty amazing. "This is where your eyes open, your life begins" I heard. I believed it at the time, now I'm not so sure.Tomorrow should be fun, much singing, dancing, and eating. Not all at the same time, though.
Regrets. They're funny little buggers, aren't they? They sneak up on you when you're least expecting them.
This week will be strange. I can just tell.
I'm still pretty blocked, but exhaustion is starting to set in. Something about fitful, dream-filled sleep just isn't as restful. Oh well, I'll roll myself out of bed in the morning and have another day tomorrow.
Daydream Believer
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
10 til 17
Foul-Weather Friend
I'm always here for you, you know that. But it's okay to tell me when things are going right too. I don't mind helping you try to fix things, in fact, I like it. That's not the problem. I'm not asking you to stop telling me when your world's falling apart, I want to know, I want to help. But I don't want to lose you as soon as your feet are under you again. You can't see someone break down without wondering what they're like unbroken. But as soon as you're mended, you don't need me anymore. Suddenly we don't have anything in common. I guess talking you out when you panicked and needed a friend even though I really didn't know you and really should've been sleeping doesn't count. Maybe I was wrong to expect any emotional investment on your part. Maybe you're just being cautious. Maybe you've learned your lesson about the words "just friends". Maybe you're scared of something, but if there was something to be scared of, I'd sense it a mile off. It's a talent of mine. If I'm not worried, there's nothing to be worried about.
Innocence
Which are you more ashamed of, your innocence, or your lack thereof? Nobody's perfectly innocent, nobody's perfectly corrupt. Which part would you get rid of if you could? Think hard, the answer might surprise you.
Fear
Ever stay up way too late one night because you know that the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you'll have to wake up and face tomorrow? The funniest thing is that there's nothing particularly scary about the tomorrow in question, it's just a gut feeling.
The Mask
One more side with no shield, bare and unprotected. One more angle an attack could come from, one more mask that's been shattered irreparably. Baby steps. Sooner or later there'll only be one mask left. Can I shatter it? Will it be shattered for me? Your guess is as good as mine. What am I going to do once it happens? Again, I don't know. I've been told it's quite liberating, but it's something I can only do once. Something that is irreversible. Something I can't take back. I'll probably chicken out.
28 hours just keeps looking worse and worse. And at the expense of not only gangsters, but mickey mouse too. I hope it's worth it.
It's like a party in your soul!
Okay Gold, here's me humouring you.
*ahem* Filler:
The Ultimate Song Quiz
by GoldMatenes
Your Theme Song (because of style, lyrics,tone, etc.): Beautiful Day by U2
Best Song To Help You Sleep: Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Best Inspirational Song: Believe in You by Amanda Marshall
Best Song To Give You Hope: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Best Song To Be 'Our Song': Old Fashioned Love Song by Three Dog Night
Best Song To Impossibly Fight To: Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas
Best Song To Lose Your Virginity To: A Day Like Today by Bryan Adams
Best Song To Make You Sad (on purpose): Stole by Kelly Rowland
Best Song To Work Out To: My Sharona by The Knack
Best Silly Song: Your Horoscope for Today by Weird Al Yankovic
If You Had A TV Show, The Theme Song Would Be: Jim's Theme by John Rzeznik
Song That Makes You Hate Mankind: Why? by Tracy Chapman
Song That Makes You Wish You Could Fly: Takeoffs and Landings by The Ataris
Song That Makes You Want To Fight Hordes Of Bad Guys Single-handedly: Smackwater Jack by Carole King
Song That Makes You Want To Do A Backflip: One Girl Revolution by Superchick
Song That Really Makes You Wish You Could Dance: Hips Don't Lie by Shakira
Song In Your Head Now: Moneymaker by Ludacris
Warning, these are subject to change at any given moment, as my preferences and moods change.
Keep dreaming
Daydream Believer
I'm always here for you, you know that. But it's okay to tell me when things are going right too. I don't mind helping you try to fix things, in fact, I like it. That's not the problem. I'm not asking you to stop telling me when your world's falling apart, I want to know, I want to help. But I don't want to lose you as soon as your feet are under you again. You can't see someone break down without wondering what they're like unbroken. But as soon as you're mended, you don't need me anymore. Suddenly we don't have anything in common. I guess talking you out when you panicked and needed a friend even though I really didn't know you and really should've been sleeping doesn't count. Maybe I was wrong to expect any emotional investment on your part. Maybe you're just being cautious. Maybe you've learned your lesson about the words "just friends". Maybe you're scared of something, but if there was something to be scared of, I'd sense it a mile off. It's a talent of mine. If I'm not worried, there's nothing to be worried about.
Innocence
Which are you more ashamed of, your innocence, or your lack thereof? Nobody's perfectly innocent, nobody's perfectly corrupt. Which part would you get rid of if you could? Think hard, the answer might surprise you.
Fear
Ever stay up way too late one night because you know that the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you'll have to wake up and face tomorrow? The funniest thing is that there's nothing particularly scary about the tomorrow in question, it's just a gut feeling.
The Mask
One more side with no shield, bare and unprotected. One more angle an attack could come from, one more mask that's been shattered irreparably. Baby steps. Sooner or later there'll only be one mask left. Can I shatter it? Will it be shattered for me? Your guess is as good as mine. What am I going to do once it happens? Again, I don't know. I've been told it's quite liberating, but it's something I can only do once. Something that is irreversible. Something I can't take back. I'll probably chicken out.
28 hours just keeps looking worse and worse. And at the expense of not only gangsters, but mickey mouse too. I hope it's worth it.
It's like a party in your soul!
Okay Gold, here's me humouring you.
*ahem* Filler:
The Ultimate Song Quiz
by GoldMatenes
Your Theme Song (because of style, lyrics,tone, etc.): Beautiful Day by U2
Best Song To Help You Sleep: Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Best Inspirational Song: Believe in You by Amanda Marshall
Best Song To Give You Hope: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Best Song To Be 'Our Song': Old Fashioned Love Song by Three Dog Night
Best Song To Impossibly Fight To: Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas
Best Song To Lose Your Virginity To: A Day Like Today by Bryan Adams
Best Song To Make You Sad (on purpose): Stole by Kelly Rowland
Best Song To Work Out To: My Sharona by The Knack
Best Silly Song: Your Horoscope for Today by Weird Al Yankovic
If You Had A TV Show, The Theme Song Would Be: Jim's Theme by John Rzeznik
Song That Makes You Hate Mankind: Why? by Tracy Chapman
Song That Makes You Wish You Could Fly: Takeoffs and Landings by The Ataris
Song That Makes You Want To Fight Hordes Of Bad Guys Single-handedly: Smackwater Jack by Carole King
Song That Makes You Want To Do A Backflip: One Girl Revolution by Superchick
Song That Really Makes You Wish You Could Dance: Hips Don't Lie by Shakira
Song In Your Head Now: Moneymaker by Ludacris
Warning, these are subject to change at any given moment, as my preferences and moods change.
Keep dreaming
Daydream Believer
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Apologies and Thanks
First off, something old while I collect my thoughts:
Take it. Jump. Leap. Take the risk, take that leap of faith. Jump without looking down first.
You might end up hitting rock bottom, bruised and broken, but you'll be alive, and you won't have a prayer of denying it. No day but today. You'll never feel alive until you die a little bit. You'll never love until you've had your heart broken.
Every single day is an opportunity for you to say, "This is who I am, this is what I need. and goddammit, I'm going to go get it." Sometimes you just hgave to grab happiness by the balls and take it. Just have a little faith.
Alright, here goes nothing.
Loud, thank you. I know Gold means well, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I'm sorry I brought you into this. You said Gold sought others who can accept the distance, and you don't seem sure what I do about it. But you've both made a very grave mistake. I come off as distanced, and it's because I've been pushed to arms length before. Better to be pulled close than pushed away. I think you're right. I needed to hear what he said. I need to be kept on my toes, and I need to hear things I don't like the sound of.
Gold, I've never told you what I've never told you because I got the distinct impression that you didn't give a rat's ass. Something about hearing the exact same answer every time you ask person how they are or what's new for weeks on end gives you that impression. I didn't want to waste your time, and that's not something I normally care about. You never asked me what my favourite colour was, or about my family, at least not that I can remember. I would have told you. I will, if you want to know. All you have to do is ask. I didn't like it, but I'm glad you told me what you really think.
I don't expect of others anything I wouldn't give, anything I don't give. A genuine "How are you?" with the expectation that I'll say something other than "Fine", would be more than sufficient. That would be enough, all I need is a tiny indication that I'm more than another passing face on the street, and then I will be.
I know I've changed. The idea that I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, that someone thinks I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, well, it stings a little. Quite frankly, because I'm not a big fan of that four years ago me. She's not my favourite person in the world, and I'd rather not have people seeing her in me now. There are two different models of identity, a ball covered in wax, every change, every experience, every decision a drop of wax, adding and changing the shape, and a block of stone, boulders and slivers chipped away piece by piece until all that's left is the person, no changes left to make. I like to think it's really a combination of the two. Add a piece of wax, chip a bit off.
Gold and Loud, you already see more of me than the world at large, because you can see two of many facets, which is one more than most can, more than most ever will, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Alright, I'm a little burned out after all that.
Daydream Believer
Take it. Jump. Leap. Take the risk, take that leap of faith. Jump without looking down first.
You might end up hitting rock bottom, bruised and broken, but you'll be alive, and you won't have a prayer of denying it. No day but today. You'll never feel alive until you die a little bit. You'll never love until you've had your heart broken.
Every single day is an opportunity for you to say, "This is who I am, this is what I need. and goddammit, I'm going to go get it." Sometimes you just hgave to grab happiness by the balls and take it. Just have a little faith.
Alright, here goes nothing.
Loud, thank you. I know Gold means well, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I'm sorry I brought you into this. You said Gold sought others who can accept the distance, and you don't seem sure what I do about it. But you've both made a very grave mistake. I come off as distanced, and it's because I've been pushed to arms length before. Better to be pulled close than pushed away. I think you're right. I needed to hear what he said. I need to be kept on my toes, and I need to hear things I don't like the sound of.
Gold, I've never told you what I've never told you because I got the distinct impression that you didn't give a rat's ass. Something about hearing the exact same answer every time you ask person how they are or what's new for weeks on end gives you that impression. I didn't want to waste your time, and that's not something I normally care about. You never asked me what my favourite colour was, or about my family, at least not that I can remember. I would have told you. I will, if you want to know. All you have to do is ask. I didn't like it, but I'm glad you told me what you really think.
I don't expect of others anything I wouldn't give, anything I don't give. A genuine "How are you?" with the expectation that I'll say something other than "Fine", would be more than sufficient. That would be enough, all I need is a tiny indication that I'm more than another passing face on the street, and then I will be.
I know I've changed. The idea that I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, that someone thinks I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, well, it stings a little. Quite frankly, because I'm not a big fan of that four years ago me. She's not my favourite person in the world, and I'd rather not have people seeing her in me now. There are two different models of identity, a ball covered in wax, every change, every experience, every decision a drop of wax, adding and changing the shape, and a block of stone, boulders and slivers chipped away piece by piece until all that's left is the person, no changes left to make. I like to think it's really a combination of the two. Add a piece of wax, chip a bit off.
Gold and Loud, you already see more of me than the world at large, because you can see two of many facets, which is one more than most can, more than most ever will, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Alright, I'm a little burned out after all that.
The cracks and faults in a heart of glass are what make it more beautiful than when it began.
I don't know who said this, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's broken in some way or another. There's no cure for a broken heart, only a hot mug of tea, a firmly held belief that things will change again, and a prayer that it'll be soon.
Ask me about the value of a cathartic letter.
The request caught me totally by surprise. I looked at him, unsure how to react. He was looking at the road, even though we were parked. Why was he avoiding my eyes? What did he expect me to say? Something true, but what?
"Um... The sky is blue?" I said tentatively. He looked at me with an expression that said in no uncertain terms, 'You have got to be kidding me.'
"That's not what I meant. Something secret. Something no one else knows."
"Uh-oh. He wanted to know about him. My best friend. Who he was jealous of because I tell him things I can't tell him. He doesn't understand a friendship like that. He's not trying to be posessive, he's just never had that kind of relationship. And for that, I pity him. He doesn't understand I can't just choose one or the other. My friend or my lover. If the friend was a woman, he wouldn't care. He wouldn't be so upset right now. He doesn't understand that I need my friends, I care about him so much, I've known him forever. But that doesn't im any less because of it. Something true. Something he needs to understand. I don't want him like that. He's my friend. That's what I need and want from him. If only I could get him to understand--
"I love you."
Well, that's all, folks...
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
William Shakespeare
Ask me about the value of a cathartic letter.
***A Little Piece of the Past***
This piece of the past isn't all that old. A month, tops. Something I wrote down figuring nobody'd ever see it. I changed my mind.Something True
"Tell me something true."The request caught me totally by surprise. I looked at him, unsure how to react. He was looking at the road, even though we were parked. Why was he avoiding my eyes? What did he expect me to say? Something true, but what?
"Um... The sky is blue?" I said tentatively. He looked at me with an expression that said in no uncertain terms, 'You have got to be kidding me.'
"That's not what I meant. Something secret. Something no one else knows."
"Uh-oh. He wanted to know about him. My best friend. Who he was jealous of because I tell him things I can't tell him. He doesn't understand a friendship like that. He's not trying to be posessive, he's just never had that kind of relationship. And for that, I pity him. He doesn't understand I can't just choose one or the other. My friend or my lover. If the friend was a woman, he wouldn't care. He wouldn't be so upset right now. He doesn't understand that I need my friends, I care about him so much, I've known him forever. But that doesn't im any less because of it. Something true. Something he needs to understand. I don't want him like that. He's my friend. That's what I need and want from him. If only I could get him to understand--
"I love you."
Well, that's all, folks...
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
William Shakespeare
Daydream Believer
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Remember if you can
Remember when you said you'd never leave?
So I had to.
Remember when you said you'd never change?
You did.
Remember when I told you not to promise me anything, because I knew you couldn't follow through?
Did that stop you?
Was I wrong?
Remember when you said I wasn't paying enough attention?
So I walked away.
Remember when you said I let you down?
Did I, really? Wasn't it the other way around?
Why wasn't I worth it?
Do you remember?
It looks like my throne has been usurped. Well... it's not really a throne, and it wasn't really usurped, but that sounds much more exciting than I lost my seat. Those 28 hours just started to look a lot less appealing. This was all supposed to happen last year. Bloody hell. I'm still looking forward to it, but I can sense from here that it just won't be the same. So much for finding a niche.
If there was a fire burning, and now there isn't, that would indicate change, wouldn't it? I don't think I'm the same as I was four years ago. The key words: "As far as I can tell". How far can you tell if you didn't know me then, and probably don't know me now either? I don't blame you. I won't say you're not right on some counts, but I never said I wasn't being impatient or selfish. It is selfish to want someone to see the bigger picture, but that won't stop me from wanting it, now or later. You say I haven't changed in four years, and you're proving my point. You wouldn't know, because most of my changes aren't immediately evident, and you never asked.
So I had to.
Remember when you said you'd never change?
You did.
Remember when I told you not to promise me anything, because I knew you couldn't follow through?
Did that stop you?
Was I wrong?
Remember when you said I wasn't paying enough attention?
So I walked away.
Remember when you said I let you down?
Did I, really? Wasn't it the other way around?
Why wasn't I worth it?
Do you remember?
It looks like my throne has been usurped. Well... it's not really a throne, and it wasn't really usurped, but that sounds much more exciting than I lost my seat. Those 28 hours just started to look a lot less appealing. This was all supposed to happen last year. Bloody hell. I'm still looking forward to it, but I can sense from here that it just won't be the same. So much for finding a niche.
If there was a fire burning, and now there isn't, that would indicate change, wouldn't it? I don't think I'm the same as I was four years ago. The key words: "As far as I can tell". How far can you tell if you didn't know me then, and probably don't know me now either? I don't blame you. I won't say you're not right on some counts, but I never said I wasn't being impatient or selfish. It is selfish to want someone to see the bigger picture, but that won't stop me from wanting it, now or later. You say I haven't changed in four years, and you're proving my point. You wouldn't know, because most of my changes aren't immediately evident, and you never asked.
Was that supposed to make me feel better or worse, Gold?
Anyways, 400 in 3 is always a good way to finish off the day. Face red, heart racing, limbs going numb. Really makes the world disappear.
Anyways, 400 in 3 is always a good way to finish off the day. Face red, heart racing, limbs going numb. Really makes the world disappear.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Something to dream about.
Daydream Believer
Something to dream about.
Daydream Believer
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Baldfaced Lies
"Emotions aren't good or bad, they just are."
Did anyone else get told this as a child? In any case, it's a baldfaced lie.
I feel like a coldhearted bitch. I don't quite understand what it is I'm feeling right now. No, wait, that's a lie too. I understand just what it is, what I don't understand is why it's rearing its ugly head right now. Why is this bugging me so much? Your guess is as good as mine. They're happy now, and God knows the deserve it. It's not that I want someone to be miserable... I hope. It's just a change, and although I thrive on change, I still have to get used to it. It'll blow over. I hope. Never think about what might have been.
One step forward, two steps back. Just tell me what you want from me.
7+2 until freedom.
I don't know where I'm going to go, but I'm going no matter what anyone says. I'm going to get there. I just don't know where there is yet.
17 till 17
I should be happy. The universe is working itself out in a not-too-shabby way for once. So how come I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop? Because I'm a hopeless cynic, that's why, and that's what's going to continue to deprive me of happiness for a long time.
It occured to me recently just how few people I'm really close to. I don't know if I'm keeping them at arm's length on purpose, or if that's just how the world is working out. The ones who've seen me at my worst, well, a rather indiscriminate bunch, I suppose I spend a lot of time at my worst. The ones who've seen me at my best? Few and far between. When I'm at my best, I am generally alone. People I could tell anything to? Nobody. People who I could hear anything from? Nobody, because everybody's got their confidante. The one person who knows everything. And so help the person who tries to work their way into the inner circle. As a result? The people I tell almost everything and anything to are again a rather indiscriminate bunch. But could I pick any one of them and tell them the rest of the story? No way. It's give and take. Maybe I don't give enough to take the share I have.
Sleep well.
Daydream Believer
One step forward, two steps back. Just tell me what you want from me.
7+2 until freedom.
I don't know where I'm going to go, but I'm going no matter what anyone says. I'm going to get there. I just don't know where there is yet.
17 till 17
I should be happy. The universe is working itself out in a not-too-shabby way for once. So how come I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop? Because I'm a hopeless cynic, that's why, and that's what's going to continue to deprive me of happiness for a long time.
It occured to me recently just how few people I'm really close to. I don't know if I'm keeping them at arm's length on purpose, or if that's just how the world is working out. The ones who've seen me at my worst, well, a rather indiscriminate bunch, I suppose I spend a lot of time at my worst. The ones who've seen me at my best? Few and far between. When I'm at my best, I am generally alone. People I could tell anything to? Nobody. People who I could hear anything from? Nobody, because everybody's got their confidante. The one person who knows everything. And so help the person who tries to work their way into the inner circle. As a result? The people I tell almost everything and anything to are again a rather indiscriminate bunch. But could I pick any one of them and tell them the rest of the story? No way. It's give and take. Maybe I don't give enough to take the share I have.
Beauty-- Shaye
So you've come to this bridge
In an unfamiliar land
You know it's a bridge you are going to walk on
And the only thing you know is
Everything you know
Will do you no good from here on
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there
So pick up your bags
Look around at your friends
And you know none of them
Would ever have enough strength
To cross the bridge and lose control
I never felt this bold
Never felt this good
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you
Stay true to your nomad skies
Keep your eyes out for coyote
A thousand secrets are lost
In the archival dust
So lay your ears upon the tracks
One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now
Fly on butterfly
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there
So you've come to this bridge
In an unfamiliar land
You know it's a bridge you are going to walk on
And the only thing you know is
Everything you know
Will do you no good from here on
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there
So pick up your bags
Look around at your friends
And you know none of them
Would ever have enough strength
To cross the bridge and lose control
I never felt this bold
Never felt this good
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you
Stay true to your nomad skies
Keep your eyes out for coyote
A thousand secrets are lost
In the archival dust
So lay your ears upon the tracks
One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now
Fly on butterfly
And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there
Sleep well.
Daydream Believer
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Who's The King of The Castle?
I spoke to him today. At an ungodly hour of morning when I really should've been asleep. That's what's more convenient for him. He reminded me to be a big help, and asked me if I was in shape. He didn't ask about CR, or JB, and I'm sure he was hoping SS had just disappeared like the last one. He didn't ask me how I was in terms of whether I minded that he's never around. I don't. He asked me in terms of whether I was continuing to do my job. Daydream believer the sponge. He asked me if my work is going well, and if my sports team was winning. I didn't bother to tell him that the captain doesn't seem to like me very much, or that the coaches are massive hypocrites. He would've told me I was blowing it out of proportion. At least I have a little peace of mind for now, knowing that when he's on the other side of the world, I could just hang up on him and that would be that. I never will, of course. That would be too much like him for his own good. He'd never be able to take it. Some days are better than others, but the ones where he's here are always worse than the ones where he isn't. Does that make me a terrible person? If he wants to play king of the castle, he should visit the castle occasionally, don't you think?
Eight hours and it's almost done. Happiness.
7+2 months and counting.
I'm of two minds. One which, sliding down the great toboggan hill of life, wants to dig its heels in like there's no mañana. The other which wants to pick up its feet and glide.
The good old BS problem.
Ever have a really close friend you just start to lose touch with, for whatever reason? Then, out of nowhere, you run into them again. A year and a half later, while you've been trying so hard to get a hold of them. And of course by then, it's too late. What might have been. I hate those words with a flaming passion. Mostly because they get me every time.
Eight hours and it's almost done. Happiness.
7+2 months and counting.
I'm of two minds. One which, sliding down the great toboggan hill of life, wants to dig its heels in like there's no mañana. The other which wants to pick up its feet and glide.
The good old BS problem.
Ever have a really close friend you just start to lose touch with, for whatever reason? Then, out of nowhere, you run into them again. A year and a half later, while you've been trying so hard to get a hold of them. And of course by then, it's too late. What might have been. I hate those words with a flaming passion. Mostly because they get me every time.
It's not going to happen again.
Nothing like a good fume to get the toxins out. I need to purge from time to time. Clear out the dust bunnies, leave everything feeling renewed. Full of promise. Now there's a dream worth dreaming.
Daydream Believer
Nothing like a good fume to get the toxins out. I need to purge from time to time. Clear out the dust bunnies, leave everything feeling renewed. Full of promise. Now there's a dream worth dreaming.
Daydream Believer
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