To Sweet Beginnings...

It's right, in a lot of ways, that I spent New Years Eve with Gold, with Loud, and with Sphinx. The year has come full circle, and aside from being a lot of fun, the evening felt full of poetic justice and the tying of loose ends... or the dripping of wax onto already-tied knots, in some cases.

All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

The girl who attended last years' party at Loud's would have been completely confused, befuddled, and more than a little distressed by the current state of events, and guess what? I'm not. Because I'm not her, and probably never will be her again. (Side note, brilliant book about identity: The Third Woman, by Mark Burnell, but it won't make much sense without reading the first three, The Rhythm Section, Chameleon, and Gemini, but they also deal with identity, so it still works.) And guess what? I'm okay with that, despite feeling no particular animosity towards her. And that, my friends, is this year's big step, not feeling animosity towards who I have been while pursuing who I will be, and at the same time not ignoring who I am at the moment.

To sweet beginnings and bitter endings,
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven,
Don't give it back, winter is coming,
And I need to stay warm.

Anyways, I'm looking down the barrel of a cannon full of possibilities, which makes me happy, since none of them look really unfriendly. While it'sgood to be home, I'll be glad to be back South.

We found a map to buried treasure,
And even if we come home empty handed,
We'll still have our stories, battle scars,
Pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships.
And when this hourglass
Has filtered out its final grain of sand,
I'll raise my glass to the memories we had.

Yes, I made some resolutions. And yes, I'd be glad to hear yours, and here's hoping they're more original than "Quit spending money and lose 10 pounds". Not that they aren't worthy goals, but come up with something interesting for New Years. Here's a few that I read or heard various places:

Laugh more.
Drink less coffee.
Sit down and look at the stars/clouds for at least 20 minutes at least once a month.
Do something every day that scares you.
Strike up a conversation with a stranger on public transit or in a grocery store.
Walk or bike somewhere you'd normally drive once a week. (Maybe this one just in the summer for those of us living somewhere very very cold.)
Skip stones. Even if you don't know how.
Smile wider.
Arbitrarily break your routine.
Randomly break into song/dance at least once. (No, DDR does not count)

Alrighty, so there's some interesting New Years Resolutions I've seen. Anyways, that basically covers it in the "things I meant to say when I got to a computer" department, at least, I think it does... if not, there's always tomorrow.


So here's to sweet beginnings, bitter endings or not.
Happy New Year, Keep Dreaming in 2008.
Daydream Believer

Winter Wonderland

Anyone who talks to me regularly knows already about my love/hate affair with being alone. Why, you may ask, is this relevant now? Because as beautiful as this city is, it isn't much good to me without the usual suspects popping up. And since we're currently in the throes of the generic, politically correct, non-denominational, holiday season that happens to take place between the end of November and the middle of January, (also known around here as "Winter Solstice", said in a nasal voice) everyone who doesn't have to be here has gone home. So that leaves me mostly alone on a usually bustling piece of real estate until Thursday. And on Wednesday they stop feeding me.

So yeah... on the bright side, peace, quiet and sleep before heading home for a decidedly unrestful holiday, because that's how these things work. On the not so bright side, not a whole lot of talking, and even fewer interesting shenanigans. Because lately I've been taking part in some interesting shenanigans, however I'm seldom the author of these plans, and the ones who are, are all eating real food as I'm writing this, making me extremely jealous.

And having not seen them in almost two months, I'm about to spend nearly three weeks with the four people on this planet most willing and able to make me cry. Not to mention I'm going to be a person in less than a week. I'm quite looking forward to it, to be honest. Sovereignty over my own person. Sweet!

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I've just been preoccupied. Who would have thought that this change would make me so unbelievably happy, and that I'd really come into my own... oh wait. I did.

Everyone deserves a chance to fly.

Keep dreaming, you never know when you'll get a chance to make them come true.
Daydream Believer

Relapse

Everybody has their weaknesses. Everybody has their issues. I suppose what they don't realize when they show those scare tactic videos is that the people they're trying to scare aren't afraid. Everyone else in the room is terrified. I'm sitting here watching this video saying, "I wish I had that much discipline. I wish I could manage that." For the first time I understood the rationale of control. I don't have that much control. I don't have that much discipline. I'm a fraidy cat. I see those tendancies, I see those habits. I see them in them, and mirrored in myself. And I hate that I'm not strong enough for that. Some might say that it's a blessing, that it's better this way. I'm not so sure. I'm stubborn as anything. I have a lot of willpower, but not quite that much. I'm not that strong.

And then there's emotional pain. A strange, totally unexpected twinge of heartache, so severe that it felt physical. Totally unexpected, but entirely familiar. It was almost a safe kind of pain. Safe, but unwelcome. Safe only in its familiarity. Who would have thought that a dream could have so much power? I should have, for the love of God and everybody, but this took me by surprise. But I don't know whether it was a dream or a nightmare.

Dreaming the day away,
Daydream Believer

Remember

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there.

I did not die.

Author Unknown

On another note entirely, I have a friend who is celebrating his birthday today, and I feel rather bad for him, since people tend to be sombre and reserved, so here's a little happy birthday for him.

Daydream Believer

Sleep Tight

Corporal and Rad, what the hell am I going to do? I don't know, but I know that Ginger is right. Those butterflies don't happen all that often, so I'm damn well going to enjoy them. No matter where this goes, no matter how it ends. Goodness knows its kind of good the let someone else make decisions and do the work for awhile. And I'm going to get all this shit done. Tomorrow I get to pretend to kick the crap out of someone. In the meantime, the words are flowing like cold corn syrup, but that's still better than before, so I'm going to try to heat stuff up.

Ah, music. I really like Eric Clapton, and I didn't even know it. Yay reminiscing. If only I knew then what I know now, eh? I went to almost every one of my middle school dances, but was always too shy to dance. Oh well, hindsight. Dancing is more fun when you don't have chaperones checking to make sure you're not dancing too close anyways.

Maybe the problem is trying to separate heart, head, and gut. You need all three to get anywhere, really. Maybe we should just relax, stop trying to put the boundaries around each, and let them handle things for a while. Your subconscious and unconscious are there for a reason, let them do their job.

I said a lot of things out loud today that I've been thinking for awhile. Oh well. Had to come out in the open sometime, and I kinda felt like I was going to explode. So now I get to sit on this stuff for three days until everyone's in the same place geographically, so that I can get to the same place non-geographically.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Daydream Believer

La Bohème

Love is an angel disguised as lust,
Here in our bed until the morning comes.

Apparently critical volume for getting Daydream Believer most of the way out of her shell is 6 shots of rye in half an hour. Apparently barely post adolescent boys are more or less the same everywhere, which I guess doesn't surprise me. Interesting, I don't quite know how to feel just now. Even though I'm a lot smaller than them, and wasn't quite all there co-ordination wise, I still felt like I was in control. Of my actions, of my words, even of their actions. At the same time, would I have said and done the things I said and did 6 shots earlier? I don't know for sure, but my money's on no. Who am I kidding, I live inside a massive shell... or perhaps a tiny glass box. You can see me in there, but I'm still a step removed. Last night, I removed the obstacles. It was liberating, it was fun, and I wasn't scared. But I can't help but wonder if the people I encountered would appreciate me in all my shell-less glory when they're sober. People, myself included, are a lot more accepting when they're drunk. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified, but damn it, I'm going to get out of this shell. I had a taste of a new kind of freedom, and I liked it too much to let it slip away so easily.

Looks like that's the "foreign ass-grab" skirt. Funny thing was, I wasn't scared, hurt, disappointed, disgusted, or annoyed. Nobody was measuring my reaction either. I wonder if those two things are connected.

All of a sudden, I feel powerful, in control. Stop the presses, I think I've got feminine wiles after all. Shame about the directionality though. I think maybe, things could have happened yesterday, I could have made things happen yesterday. It's an interesting feeling. Sometimes it's alright to be silly. And yes, Ginger, you were right about the good Corporal and probably about Rad as well. As you said, fuck him. Ok, bad choice of words, but I'm sure the idea gets across. If I can stick to that idea, well, hopefully good things will happen. Bloody hell, as soon as I twist my brain around, things get fucked up again. Could be worse though.

Daydream Believer

Cupid, Stupid, and a Crossbow

Some ducks have all the luck. All this talk of chainsaws and dice-rolling, happiness, hedonism, and everybody's favourite four-letter-word. No, I'm not talking about fuck. Much as many might suggest that that's in fact their favourite four-letter-word. It's certainly a versatile word, especially where anger, indignation, or otherwise upset-ness is concerned. And now I have to be quiet because my roommate's going to try to sleep. Oh good.

Here it is Monday again, and as per usual, my world is packed into a handbasket and on its way. How many times can I be told to get out of my shell in one weekend? By how many different people? Maybe they should think twice about trying to release my inner bitch. She's an inner bitch for a reason, and I work hard to keep her that way.

It's a little tricky when the line between joking around and telling the truth gets blurred. And when I say a little, I mean a lot. Lines between morality and legality, and how much you can get away with. This is what we like to call an "Oh shit" moment. Two hours I've been sitting here in front of my computer. I can't tell when I stopped pondering and started moping. But I definitely feel a sulk coming on. I need to find a way to make it go away. I kinda wonder what a shrink would say about me at this point.

I think I may have met the younger version of the character I wrote based on someone I met once. Wow, was that ever convoluted. The simpler way of putting it: I think I figured out what's so intriguing about the person I just met.

Perhaps, like so many other things, it just isn't in the stars. I have to wonder about the accuracy of those things though, despite the testimonials I've heard. Maybe it's just my imagination, all in my head. Sometimes you can't tell the dreams from the nightmares. Which is worse, not talking at all, or a conversation that's like pulling teeth?

We are lonesome animals. We spend all our lives trying to be less lonesome.--John Steinbeck

Once again, I'm restless, because all of a sudden, I have this lovely daydream that I wish could be real. But at the same time, for the first time in a long time, I get the feeling that, when all is said and done, it's just that. Just a daydream. And I'm not quite sure if I can believe it anymore.

Daydream Believer

An Ordinary Day

Rain

Yaaay dehydration! Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Well, sort of. Today it's rainy. I tend to get restless when it rains, and by "I tend to get restless" I mean "I get more restless than usual". It wasn't rainy all day, and I definitely wasn't drinking enough water for the amount of caffeine and lack of sleep and sickness and Tylenol and ibuprofen in my system at various times throughout the day. I am very sore. And tired. And yay it's midterm week. Thank goodness for small blessings, even if they're extremely small.

Rad
I have questions. Lots of questions. You seem fragile off the bat, a little small. Less superficial exploration suggests otherwise. Compact, then. Wiry. Concentrated, perhaps. I'll admit it, the name thing makes me want to shy away. Maybe that's my challenge here, not shying away. Language is arbitrary. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called. I was talking to Este today, and I'm not sure why, but all of a sudden I felt like someone had just let the air out of my tires. All of a sudden all the "I can't" "I won't" mentality came flooding back. I'll probably have to work harder to keep it at bay. All of this ends in a great whopping "I don't know".

Boo!
That's right, I'm volunteering to scare the crap out of little kids. Yes, that's totally out of character for me. That's the lovely thing about acting. It takes you out of character. Unfortunately it doesn't take you out of voice or body, both of which are kind of killing me right now. But it was worth it. Kudos to Officers Ginger, Rambo, Dundee, Flunky, and Bondy. Hopefully I'll get another crack at it.

Identity
I'm halfway through section one of eight. That's alright. At the very beginning of this, I was uneasy about not knowing where I was going, or how I would get there. It's rather funny, I wasn't uneasy because of myself, I was uneasy because of outside influences. Then I heard other voices. I still don't know where I'm going, but I'm a lot happier not knowing than I was. Despite my neurotic tendencies on the small scale, once I get to the big picture, I'm freer. I suppose that's what I wanted. Maybe it's what I needed.

I don't know how I'll make it,
So I guess I'm gonna fake it,
Till I'm somewhere.
I don't know where I'm going,
but I'm going and I'll know it
when I get there.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

People Really Suck Sometimes

Joy, one strung along, one majorly confused, one very angry, one a little oblivious, one the cause of it all. And then here's me, sitting on the other side of the room. I could really go for something interesting that isn't petty drama. I wish things would sort out, and they probably will. But I wish they'd hurry up about it. I suppose one only wants what one can't have, and that one can have a whole hell of a lot, apparently. I don't know why. I don't know how, and to be honest, I don't particularly care, I just wish... well, it really doesn't matter, does it? I can't change anything, the arena's far too small. Although I really wish I'd never heard those words out loud, just been left to imagine it. Better to think someone wants you out of their face than have them open their mouth and prove it.

Daydream Believer

Misery Loves Company

Fucking christ. If you want to tell me to bugger off, by all means, tell me to bugger off. Just don't try to make it sound like you're doing me a favour. I can take a lot more than you expect I can. I'm probably going to regret a lot tomorrow. At least the light was off. Fuck. Misery loves company. Shame I'm alone right now, isn't it?

Daydream Believer

Chances Are

It's all about chances, odds, luck, fate. It's about circles. All of a sudden, I'm back at the same place in this circle, but this time you're at the right place in your circle. Geographic circles are another thing entirely, however, and that's why this is just another pile of what-ifs. I know myself, and I know exactly where this will end, and by the end of it, you won't be the only one that's blue. Christmas seems far away. This is really ironic, it seems that once again I've been posessed by the god/dess of bad timing. That's right, it was the "MFM" look... and that's right, she was right again. To quote a conversation with MFM himself, "This is a fine pickle we've gotten ourselves into, isn't it?" "No, I like pickles, this is more of an onion." Oy vey.

The other half of that lyric?

So close them tight and kiss me one last time.

So now I'm playing with fire, courting disaster, some might say. Like a chainsaw that you can only get in one store that's a very long way away.

Daydream Believer

Thankful and Courting Disaster

Courting Disaster
Right now I have this rather precarious feeling, as though I'm courting disaster. I miss people from the past. I missed people from the present. I want to make everything hurry up, so that I can see what's going to happen. There's my life here, my life there, I don't know how the two are going to mesh, how this whole thing is going to shake out. I have no right to be this tired in the middle of the day.

The runway lights are the deepest blue, like the colour of your eyes.

Red knew exactly what I meant when I said I had a little problem. I can't say it was a surprise in light of recent events, but in light of more distant past events, I'm nothing short of flabbergasted. Not so long ago, unbidden, I thought of you, and I decided that it was a good thing we'd grown apart, because if I'd still needed you, I'd be shit out of luck. Maybe that's the thought that was on my mind when we started talking again. Really talking, none of this "hi, how are you?" nonsense. Not like we were before. Better. We started off acres beyond where we'd ended.
You used to scare me, but you don't anymore. I didn't know how to deal with you at all. I'm still a little in the dark. I crave the unknown as much as I fear it, however. We're still not quite on the same page, but aat least now we're in the same book. maybe we can go from there. I asked the same thing of you before, and that which I feared happened anyways, perhaps had already happened. But please, don't let me lose you.

Just Dance
Poster shopping! Yay! Now I can rival Emcee in terms of our relative poster awesomeness. By April we won't have any wall left, at least not visibly. It's fantastic.

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Thankful
Alright already, do you honestly have to go out of your way to make me blush? Really. And would it be so bad if I did have a boyfriend? Other than the inevitable, it was wonderful. I may have a job lined up as a minion to a producer for the not-too-distant future, which, if it was paid work, could keep me out of the house of grease for a long time.

I would believe only in a god that knows how to dance.

--Friedrich Nietzche

Daydream Believer

Bang Bang

They say you're supposed to do one thing every day that scares you. I've got the rest of this week covered, I figure. Today I had a workshop on theatrical firearms. Which means that yes, timid little fraidy cat Daydream Believer fired a gun. Two guns, in fact. Granted, they were BFD's (blank firing devices, or as the instructor cheerfully suggested to help us remember the acronym, big fucking dildos) loaded with blanks, but even so, blanks can be pretty scary at close range. So can the kick on a semi-automatic weapon. I nearly dropped it. I suppose that's why they only let me put one round in the magazine before I fired it. Anyways, it was an interesting experience, and a good thing for me to learn. The instructor actually explained the idea of using theatrical firearms in a way that made it sound a lot less scary. Of course, he waited to do that until after we'd all fired the guns, but that's ok. The way he put it is that guns are tools, and they can be used in a lot of different ways, and they can be dangerous, but as long as you're smart about it, a gun isn't any more dangerous than, say, a tablesaw. All things considered, though, I don't think I've ever been so annoyed that my hands sweat when I get nervous.

In other news, I've been busy as all getout this week, and I'm finally starting to crawl on top of this little pile of mine. You never know, I may even find some time to warm up my throwing arm. (Loud, I know you think I should use a trebuchet, but really, it just wouldn't be the same.)

Anyways, that's my little tidbit about so far the coolest workshop I've ever done. Stay tuned for workshop #2: unarmed stage combat.

Daydream Believer

Because the Night

Come on now, try and understand,
The way I feel under your command.
Take my hand as the sun descends,
They can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now.

On Sunset At Sunset
No, it's not the same place. It's very similar, but it isn't quite the same. It's not that theatre. The place I was talking about was that place, that wonderful, peaceful place. A place that's so much like this place. I loved to wander around there, I love to wander around here. I don't fear so much here. That's a lie. I fear differently here. I don't fear the night anymore, not the same way. The night's the same everywhere. I'm ignoring my work, which I've got gads of, to write this and to read a lovely book that fuels, even if it doesn't explain, my infatuation with the night. Twilight. Sunset. It doesn't seem real, so I can be brave, I can be my fictional self. It's wonderful, until I have to face the bright light of morning. Morning light can be so lovely, so clear and crisp, throwing the world into sharp relief, putting everything into higher definition. But sometimes you don't want the past to be so clear. Sometimes you'd rather not face reality. Sometimes you like the world to go a little blurry. It's about dark and light, but the darkness is a little misunderstood. The night can be an escape, such a relief. I find that I'm more afraid of the clear than the blurry right now. I don't know why that is.
There's nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light. Is there?

Sunbreak
Watching the rain through a crack in the window,
It's the little things get you through,
Like the same sun rising over me's rising over you.
I wonder if you can see the change in my face. Gold, Loud, Este, and Sphinx, you'll have to let me know. I can feel it most of the time, it's subtle, but it's there. I sometimes feel like I've gone back, four years almost exactly. The same feelings, the same insecurities. But it's in the cards, this too shall pass. Opportunity. Carpe diem. A little cliche, I know, but it's real. I've shed one tear since I've been here. One single solitary tear. Not on the day I expected to, or for the reason. I'm not sure whether I felt worse before or after it fell.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me,
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

The Nile
Say that as though you've lived in Manhattan your entire life, and you'll understand. Fortunately, the whole thing passed pretty quickly. No telling when it'll come back, but I won't deny it again. It's simply not healthy. It's one thing to refuse to act on a really bad idea, it's another thing entirely to pretend that the thought to act never came into your head.

I believe in love too real to feel.
Daydream Believer

All lives are made
With these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

Good Morning?

I don’t care if my alarm was about to go off anyways. That knowledge didn’t make me any happier about hauling my tucchus out of bed at 7 this morning, practically falling down the stairs to stand across the street in my jammies and flip-flops. Oh yes, it was a fire drill. Fortunately this lovely beginning didn’t set a precedent for the entire day.

Want to know what I was doing last night at midnight? I was having a frank discussion about religion. We tried to implement the 10 pm rule, we really did. The one that says we don’t start talking about religion after 10 pm, because we’ll be there all night. All we need is red wine.

Anyways, I managed to resist the temptation to fall asleep during a lecture, which was good, because it was a pretty big temptation. I also managed to keep myself fed and watered throughout the day, which is sometimes more of a challenge than it sounds like it should be. Unfortunately a couple of years ago I developed this terrible habit of eating, and it’s turning out to be a real killer to break. I’m convinced it will be my downfall. I got myself up to my elbows in brown goo made from paint and glue, and was soaking bits of burlap in it for about 2 hours… before that I’d been used as a pack mule hauling and moving various objects that I will probably have to repurpose at some point in the next few months.

I finally saw the inside of the theatre. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, it was brilliant. Could have done without the whole “gum” conversation, but that’s alright. I suppose they’re entitled to be frivolous.

Remember that place? Loud, you were there with me, and Vagabond Sphinx, you too. It was such a pretty place. I kinda feel like I’m living there now, even though it’s another place. A lot of the same… feelings? Ideas? I’m not quit sure what it is, but there’s something that’s the same. Anyways, my roommate’s back, so I’d best pretend I’m not a computer-crazed freak for a little while. Not that I am a computer-crazed freak, or anything...

Dream on,
Daydream Believer

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
--Sarah McLachlan

I wish I could say goodbye for all those who never got a chance to.

Things have changed in six years about the world I live in.

In the aftermath a number of songs were banned from the airwaves by one company. Songs of joy, songs of healing. Maybe I'll get all fired up about censorship and such another day, but not today. Today I just want to extend condolences, and enjoy the sunset.

We're still here, don't take it for granted, but don't forget it either.

Daydream Believer

Flying Blind

So, remember when I kept mentioning something about 8 months about, oh... 8 months ago? Yeah, so it's over... or begun... whatever. This isn't a place for academics or anything... So, haven't broken down yet, based on my summer camp experience, it's only a matter of time. A lot of changes. Not least of which being brand-new sheets. I haven't slept on brand-new sheets in about four years, with the exception of the last three days. Then there's sharing a room, which I haven't done for longer than two weeks in the last four years. Fortunately the person I'm sharing a room with is a lot more cooperative about it than my younger sister was. Another Red.

Then there's the lack of supervision. I like the freedom. I like not having someone hanging over my head all the time, I'm not going to lie. I'm a little worried that this will cause me to fall victim to my worse habits, but not terribly. I have to admit I'm more concerned about my emotional well-being, and not just because I'm far away from everything I've ever known.

I'm going to become rather obsessed with the symbolic value of that bridge. Yes, it's a real bridge. I can see it from the end of my street. It's a bizarrely comforting link to the past, to a time that was scary as hell then, but is quite a pleasant memory now. I guess I'm in a position where I want those pleasant memories. Plus it's a handy way too tell how far I've walked or biked, and how far I have to go before I can shower or sleep.

At least I'm talking. I'll admit it, I feel a little out of my depth here. Or a lot out of my depth. I've had few experiences others haven't had.

I'm going to have to make my peace with this emerald-eyed smiling beast. I should have known I couldn't escape it, although I expected a reprieve until tomorrow at least. I was hoping for a much longer reprieve. I should know better.

I don't know which causes more problems, when I'm chemically uninhibited, or when my inhibitions come back. You know, maybe they never really disappeared. I felt fine for awhile. I knew I should have gone dancing. Although then I'd be making assumptions I've got no right to be making. Unlike the assumptions I'm making now, those I have every right to make. I can see it. I feel like Timon... "Here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two." It's only been two days, dammit, I was turning over a new leaf. I guess you can't escape your own nature that easily. Or your own shortcomings. I should have seen it coming. Now I just have to make sure I don't say or do anything too stupid in the near future. I won't hate or resent them. I won't. I'll turn that fucking leaf over if it kills me. Which it might. My emotions like to stew and fester. On the bright side, this may be just the motivation I need to get off my ass and do some exercise. Fastest way to burn the festering emotion out of my guts. Won't do my physical guts any harm either.

All of a sudden that half-empty nalgene bottle looks pretty inviting.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea of having no idea where I'm going than I've been in a month.

Daydream Believer

P.S. Baer, you'll find it interesting to note that I'm quite comfortable in this situation, even though I wasn't when I was wearing the sparkly dress.

Blurry

Today I wore my glasses. I hate wearing my glasses, they're impractical and I find I look kind of goofy in them. I've had the same ones since before the thick plastic emo-frames were cool, and that's the kind they are. I don't see as well, and they fog up whenever I move from, say, a walk-in fridge to an overheated industrial kitchen. They fog to the point where I can see better if I take them off and squint. So that's what I did. And I didn't crash into anybody either.

So how come nobody tells me when I've got barbecue sauce all over me?

"Tell me something I don't know, Red." That was an awkward conversation. I hate to think that it might be our last half-decent one.

It seems easy enough. Too easy, as a matter of fact. Maybe I'm in some form of denial, and this will hit me later, maybe I'd already started healing before the wound was inflicted. Maybe I'm just bouncing back. I just hope that later I don't come to regret where the pieces fell. Lately I've been feeling ok though.

Blue
Oy vey. You don't talk to someone for 6 months, and then you start talking again, and OH MY GOD! It all starts coming back to you. As I told L'Ange this morning, yesterday I had my first little headbutt with this novel situation. And you know what? It doesn't feel half bad. I'm just hoping I don't do something silly.

Hm... Tiger. You know, I think I like the sound of that. Still haven't really figured out what colour I am... initial guess was orange, wasn't it, Gold? That's kind of boring. Tigers are orange! Anyways... do most tigers roar? Now that I think about it, it doesn't really matter. I roar.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

The Trail We Blaze

Maybe I'm a little bit slow on the uptake. Maybe a bit more than a little slow. Goodness knows I've missed a few things lately. Although a few things fell into place too. For instance, a year and a half too late, I figured out what the clue with the Anima/Animus thing was supposed to be. Although really, Gold, you ought to have known that your brain works on one wavelength, and mine works on a totally different one, and while that was a perfectly good hint working on your wavelength, I try to follow your brainwaves and get sucked into the undertow, and well, look at how long it took me for that clue to fall into place. It's a good thing I wasn't relying on your hints, isn't it? Otherwise I'd still be in the dark.

In any case, I also learned the difference between a monolith and a megalith. And based on what I know of both (granted, not much) I doubt that the former was ever as accurate as the latter, although that's my reality. Sure, there's an objective reality, but I'm sure that you're as sure that what you perceived as reality was real as I am that what I perceived as reality was real. Although you can't get much more real than your own experiences. It doesn't entirely surprise me to see how long that change took to take place, but it disappoints me a little. I suppose I haven't got any right to be disappointed, but since when have my emotions taken any advice from my head.

Red, Bear, Heater, I'm going to need that little vacation. I know it's going to be inconvenient, I know it won't be as stress-free as we'd planned, but I think I'm going to need to distance myself a little. Even if we don't end up leaving town.

Twice in six months I've gone back to old, grainy, black and white after a fortnight of high-definition. This time it was a little different. Maybe it was the lack of jet-lag. Maybe it was because things still haven't returned exactly to their sepia-toned everyday selves. I don't know, I may never know. Although I sympathize with Gold sentiment of "Okay, now it's time for the next thing." Stay tuned for the movie. Yes, there's going to be a movie.

Funny, isn't it, that when the tears started flowing, among all present, there was only one person who I wished would not see them.

There's change on the air again, lots of it. In many areas. A summery twist on my usual toboggan analogy: the enclosed black waterslide. This is, I guess, the part where, terrified, I sit on the dinghy and shut my eyes, powerless to control the direction or speed of the slide, never having been on a waterslide before, tuck in my feet and scream.

Just along for the ride,
Daydream Believer

Out Of The Blue

Cyclic Circles

I guess it takes hindsight to see the truth about it. Well, hopefully I'll know a little better for next time. I'm not going to get hung up on "might-have-beens", at least not today. But I'm about to start the same cycle over again. Now that I've been around the block once or twice, I feel like I can finally go for this without worrying so much.

Who am I kidding? I'll always worry, it takes up about 40 percent of my consciousness. I have to face facts, I'd be lost without it.

In any case, I have a few bits of, well, I think they're bits of brilliance, but everyone else might think they're bits of something else that starts with a B. That's ok though. They're mostly things I'm writing down so that I'll remember them in a couple of months. They may or may not make any sense to you, and that's ok too. Some bits out of my own mind, some bits I've picked up from people, books, coffee mugs or T-Shirts.

The trick is to dance like you're drunk even when you haven't had a drop.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
Don't panic. You've made it this far, why would you break a winning streak like that?
Never say never.
Never say "What's the worst that could happen?" even if you're thinking it really hard, because fate may decide to show you.
Laugh. It's fun and good for you, and that's getting harder to find.
Have fun. It's rarely as serious as all that.
Oh, suck it up and go talk to him/her/them. They're not that scary, and they probably feel just as lost as you do.


MFM

How many times in the last couple of weeks have I thought about My Favourite Mistake? Too many. Way too many. I don't know why I'm thinking about it again after all this time. Maybe I'm still looking for the closure that I've grown doubtful I'll ever get. Maybe time has simply sealed the pages shut. Maybe that is my closure. I'd still like to touch base, I want to know what's happening now. Maybe I'm just playing with fire. I have to say, it's a good thing I'm not a cat.

Music
So lately I've had songs from these couple of movies stuck in my head. The kind of movie they give to little Christian kids to make them think they're watching Disney movies when really it's more like Sunday School on video. At least it's Sunday School with an award-winning soundtrack. The messages aren't bad, and the music's nothing short of amazing.

Memories
How awesome would it be to never have any regrets? It's something to try for, although it's practically impossible to do. I suppose I'm going for the happy medium here, between recklessness and being a wet blanket. Less like "forget regret" and more like "regret, sure, but then deal with it and move on". I blame Gold for my current state of having to scrutinize every idea that pops into my head and figure out how it meshes with my other ideas. Oh well, I'll never be bored. Here's to holding onto the good memories, and not dwelling too much on the not so good ones.

Anyways, I think that's pretty much enough musing for one morning. Ought to get out there and face the rest of the world, rather than just the part that is between me bed and my computer.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer