Page 11 Ingenue

So I'm NaNoing. It's harder than I thought it would be, but also easier, if that makes any sense. The words are coming, all right, but they're not the kind of words I thought they'd be. I had one character, strong, smart, savvy, with all these interesting things to do, but I could not for the life of me make her do them. I mean she did them, I just couldn't pull off a play-by-play, I had to resort to some expository bullshit after the fact. At first I thought that it was because I'd let myself get to attached to her, that there was too much me in her to let her do things I wouldn't or couldn't. Then I realized that this all comes from the write what you know thing. I've never done those things, or anything really like them. The one event I got closest to getting right on paper is the one that was closest to my own experiences. It's because she wasn't enough like me for me to get in her head on those things, because if I did, she'd act like me, and she doesn't. And then I realized that this other character I'm writing about is a lot more accessible to me. And damn it I swore I wouldn't write about my own love life. I'm not, completely at least. It's not me, and it's not him on the paper. Sure, they're people a little like us, but it's not what happened, or the way it happened. But it's close enough. Having met and spoken with a hedonistic don juan of a man, I can more easily imagine his tricks. Which is a lot like where Devin came from. Aha! An epiphany, she can't fall under his spell because she is him. He can't bewitch her because she already knows his games, and can play them against him. Maybe win. Enter the ingenue. Of course, that's why she couldn't be a sideline character. The story is really about her. Funny, isn't it? She didn't show up until page 11.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

P.S. 18809

Yorick

Should I have been upset? I did know him, or know of him, I suppose. We didn't get along. I didn't like him much. I suppose I'm not upset because I didn't plan or expect ever to see him again anyways. That sounds harsh. Its still a shame. Thank God for seat belts.


Daydream Believer

Ramen

I once fancied myself a rebel. Then I decided that I really didn't have the drive to defy convention, and at that point I found that that was exactly how I defied convention, and continue to. I don't align, or identify. I tried, goodness knows. But nothing quite fit. I tried to be unusual as a woman in a male-dominated field, athletics or science, but realized that I can't stand math and would take writing over running any day of the week. I change too much, too frequently to qualify or quantify myself as any certain type. Indeed one of the things that I felt set me apart from many is something that's about to change. I suppose I could look at it as gaining a skill. A dubious one, I'll admit, but this doesn't have to be any more character-altering than learning how to fire a gun was. I know how to fire a gun, but I'm not about to go on a shooting spree. It's not about who I am, it's about what I can do. Power and ability. I liked the ride, time to try it without training wheels. I'll probably fall, but I'll probably get up and do it again.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

The Game

I could. I can. I will.

The Dirty Rascal

Here I am, back in the castle once again. For the second time in a seven day period. I don't resent it as much as I used to. It feels a little less like a prison, a little more like a palace right now. Especially after the massive disruption and its aftermath. I feel a little more grounded now, a little saner. Or a little less sane, and just more accepting of it. I'm not sure exactly.

"No one can hear you scream"
Frightening words, the mainstay of a certain genre of terrifying films. But sometimes they're not scary, and that can be even more terrifying.

It's too easy to blame someone else. It's also too easy to blame yourself. It's not just you, or them, it's a whole pile of different things bouncing around and off each other.

Strange that we reconnected over you telling me I was in over my head, Red. That I'd get hurt. I should have known you were right, at least in part. Sometimes I'm too optimistic for my own good. But now it's not the same. Why is it that while the tricycle seems so steady, the four-wheeler seems so unbalanced? I miss the bike. I miss you.

Why is it so much easier to say, "I hate you" than "I love you"? It's funny that there's no shame, no stigma associated with hating someone, yet there is with loving someone. It's an easy way to sprain your dignity. I guess it's because someone you hate can't hurt you, not really. Not the same way. It's like being a turtle. Loving someone is flipping yourself (or getting flipped) onto your back. Even if they're not trying, the smallest hurt will do the maximum damage. Might kill you.

Take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no.

I won't be held down by who I used to be.

Everybody's waiting for the hammer to fall.

Too young to die, and too old to believe in promises.

I hate the way you look at me, as if I was broken.

In spite of it all, I feel pretty good. Something about a brand-new bird's eye view kinda makes everything seem a little less epic. A little easier to handle.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

Wonder

I'm getting sick of wondering. I want to stop thinking, "Is this how it's supposed to be?" I need to learn it doesn't matter how it's supposed to be, because that has no effect on how it is. And as long as how it is is how I want it, I'm in a good place.

That said, I still want to know things. I want to know why after barely talking for nearly two years all of a sudden not talking to someone for two days makes me feel like I've hardly got a grip on the world anymore. All so I can lie. Why I have to keep reminding myself that it was his idea, what he wanted. Why that matters, and why I forget it. Why I made this my problem. Why I don't crave the kiss I should. Why I still crave the kiss I shouldn't. Why I felt so liberated in the knowledge that someone who claims my friendship will hurt me so willingly, again and again, and I can't change it at all. Why I sat down at my computer nearly every day since my last blog post trying to write another one and haven't succeeded yet. Why words echo in my head until I can barely remember the voice that goes with them. Why I freaked out at an oddly familiar whiff of cologne. Why I don't feel any different. Why I don't know if I want to.

But then again, maybe I'm afraid to really ask.

Maybe I'm progressing, and the reason I suddenly don't want what I have is something like why while it's the only fit food for a teething toddler, you'd be hard pressed to find an adult who wanted to eat puréed jarred baby food. The same way I realized I'd moved on from what I wanted less than a year ago, and got a few months later. Maybe I'm just always after the chase.

Ever get caught in a daydream? Someone asks you for something, and you realize that you were a million miles away. Sometimes a little less than that in physical distance. It takes a moment to get your bearings, and you can't go back quite the same way, even though you might try.

I wrote this awhile ago, never actually posted it and I'm not sure why. I just don't remember. So I'm giving it the light of cyberspace, and let's see what happens.

Break in, break up,
Break out, break down.
Fade in, fade out,
Watch it fade away.

Fall in, fall out,
Fall down, fuck up.
Fear, freedom,
Fly away.

Run out, run in,
Run for it, run away.
Make a bet, take a chance,
Screw the rules, play.

Roxanne never put the dress on,
Cecilia won't come back.
Beth's getting sick of waiting around,
And Lucy fell out of the sky.

Dani California grew up rich,
Chantilly Lace wouldn't show her face.
And now Mustang Sally's got a ticket to ride.


Lost in a dream,
Daydream Believer

Gold was right. There is no confidante. A bit ironic, that betrayal comes from this direction. I need people. I need to talk, bounce ideas around. Get a reality check every now and again. But freedom goes with being alone, and loneliness with freedom. No, I don't quite understand why I can't cry.

"If you decide, please don't tell me. I don't want to be in that situation again." She cares, she does. I know. I hope. She has to. I've got too many who I thought did and don't now. She can't join their number. Please.

Please, if you only knew. Maybe I do. Maybe I should have. Shoulda woulda coulda. No regrets. Feel free to jump in any time with the I told you so's. I don't want you to know. Maybe I do. Who knows, that would just give you another power over me, and you've got too many already.

What do I really want?
That's not as easy a question to answer as it should be. Maybe because I refuse to acknowledge the truth, maybe because I'm afraid of it. Maybe because I don't know which is the lesser of two evils.

Evils. Yep, that's pretty accurate. Love it or hate it. Love you or hate you.
When did evil get so bloody seductive?
Daydream Believer

Weak

Something about tonight leaves me cold, if you'll pardon the pun. Eyes downcast. Demure, or furious. I don't know why. I can't see your eyes, which I hate. You can't see mine either, which is my last line of defense. Maybe I'll say something I regret. Maybe I'll regret it right away. Maybe it'll take a few days. Maybe I'll change your mind. World's biggest hypocrite, maybe my worst idea ever. Would I change a moment of it? For nothing short of world peace. Do I regret? Absolutely. But I'll work on that. It's over now. I have lots of regrets, I'm slowly rubbing them out, letting them fade into the background. You wanted this to do good, not bad. You should know by now that you're a force of evil in my life, in all its variable forms. You haven't called me pretty lady since we started this. I don't know why I miss it. I hated it when you said it. I only exaggerated slightly about not wanting to go home. I knew I'd have to face it if I came in. And it was better to stew out there than in here. There was the chance that you'd find a way to fix it. You usually do. You sometimes humour me. That same hug. The same as he had. You hate being compared to him, but you're so much the same. In action, in word, in memory. Maybe one day I'll be able to relegate you too. Say with confidence, "I don't need you anymore." I could say it now, and it would be a lie. Maybe I should brush up on my lying. Might be less painful for both of us. Every time, it always feels like there was something left unsaid. One final line that would tie together the loose ends.
Maybe it's goodbye...

Daydream Believer

P.S. Give me a week, once I've gone back to motown. I ought to be back to normal. Well, normal for me.

Encore

Here it comes again. That feeling of deadness, emptiness. The very feeling I tried to escape. Doubled in strength and from two separate angles. Threatening to swallow me up with every passing moment. I don't fear being alone. Never have. The way I plan to live my life, I'll probably spend a good deal of time alone. It can be peaceful. It lends clarity, perspective. What I fear is the loneliness. The feeling that everyone who I might once have mattered to is gone. There's a saying, the pain of rejection is not from someone saying no, it's from the feeling that no one will ever say yes. Loneliness is like that too. It's not being alone, it's the feeling that you'll be forced to be alone.

Would you mind if I pretended...

Another shoe drops. There should only be two, but there have been more than that so far... there'll be more. I should know my limits by now. What I can handle. I've got a lot of tears in me, but for some reason certain things just won't make me cry. At least not on their own. Three exceptions. Now, at least. Up until a week ago, only two. Funny, it's not who you'd assume it is. Maybe I'm only really strong when I really have to be. If that's the case, this is a very good sign. Fuck, there's silver lining all over this bloody cloud. Long as I pay attention to it. We walking into this hoping we wouldn't wreck it and expecting we would. But its not wrecked. Is the tension going to be worse next time around? Possibly. Friendship is less of a string and more of a finely-wrought steel cable, firmly anchored at both ends. No one can hurt you like a close friend.

One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore.

One way or another it'll all shake out.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Lash

He looks at you like I look at you. You've got it made. Are you sure this is what you want? Poor baby. This isn't fair to you or to them. Is wanting what I want so wrong? You don't have to explain. You're either the most manipulative sonofabitch I've ever met, or you just don't care, and I don't know which at this point. I don't even know if it matters. I care, I care about the people I love, the people who are important to me. Relax, he's just being him. He seems genuinely concerned that this is going to hurt you. Its about curiosity, and it's a good thing you aren't a cat, dear. It's not a threat. I don't know if it's a threat. Do I have a reason to feel threatened. No of course not. Is that a lie? I could be spiteful and mean right now, and say something that would damn near bring somebody to their knees. But I'll hold my tongue for their good, after all, nobody expects things like that out of me in the first place. What am I retreating from?

I didn't say most of what I just wrote, and I kinda wish I could sort it all out better. I've turned their words over in my mind so many times that they have my voice. Now I've said or done something that pissed somebody off, and they won't tell me which of the dumb things I said and did pissed them off. And is avoiding me. So yeah, as if I needed more of a reminder of what a fuckup I am.

daydreaming the days away....

Burn

Just to recap, yeah, the vampire thing is pretty hot.

So I'm playing with fire, but maybe that little burn is just what I need. A distraction. What might happen if it wasn't a distraction is dangerous territory, as is what might happen if the distraction grows to overshadow that which it is supposed to distract me from.

Somebody's gonna hurt someone before the night is through,
Somebody's gonna come undone, there's nothing we can do.
Everybody wants to touch somebody, if it takes all night.
Everybody wants to take a little chance, make it come out right.
There's gonna be a heartache tonight.

I'm hoping I've gotten through the first part of the heartache, and now I'm free and clear for awhile. I gotta say, one hell of a distraction. I'm working on this whole "no regrets" thing, I am. Trust, limits, history, geography, friendship, lust, fear, curiosity, human nature, hope, longing, self control, joy, pain, there's a lot here. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't enjoying it. I weave complicated webs, and do so willingly. It makes life more interesting. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I can play at both Valerian and Mandrake. There are many ways to be intoxicated, I suppose, and this is a particularly finicky one. But I've still got a smile on my face, and for once the adorable side is up.

Funny, isn't it? The way things shake out. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

If this was a movie, the song on the soundtrack would be I'm Still Here. But it's not a movie, so I can't guarantee that everything's going to work out in less than an hour. I can't guarantee that everything's going to work out at all. I hope it does, for what it's worth. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. Maybe this is the beginning of my feline demise. No regrets, you taught me that. If this is your way of protecting me, you're doing one hell of a job. I'd still be driving around if I didn't have the sense to know I'd have the truck around a tree within the hour. But I do, so I'm here, typing out idle, angry words that may or may not be worth anything tomorrow. About a friendship that may or may not be worth anything tomorrow. I hope your secret is going to smile at you, laugh at your dumb jokes, and remind you to keep your chin up about her. Because I would have. I probably still will, but I don't know whether you'll want me to. Maybe I pushed just a bit too hard, but you know that that's the way my mind works. You were concerned about destroying something by divulging, and I hope you haven't destroyed something by keeping mum. There are some stupid things I could do right now that I've never been so tempted to do in my life. I won't, because the risks aren't worth the possibly rewards, even thinking of the risks as the rewards, but at least I'd be able to sleep tonight. You were so concerned about the worst that could happen. I can't think of anything worse than this, than leaving things this way. I hope that whatever you're afraid of was worse than this. Because this isn't going to go away on its own. We're at a bit of an impasse here. Maybe I do know. Goodness knows I've heard words like this before. But now, as then, I think I'm crazy, imagining something there that isn't. It wouldn't be the first time. Even the first time with you. Maybe I'm overcomplicating things. Maybe I'm reading in too much. Maybe I'm not reading in enough. Maybe now, like then, the simplest answer is the truth, much as it makes everything else complicated, much as it goes against probability, even the things I know and feel. Maybe now that I've proved that I can out-stubborn you, you'll trust me. Why is this friendship so hard all of a sudden?

It's on your front porch.

I wish... never mind.

Daydream Believer

Till I Am

Who'd have thought that a song called "Crazy Bitch" could seem so romantic? This side of a good night's sleep, it doesn't, except for that odd memory. Still haven't decoded that funny look... but I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it now.

So maybe I'm walking the razor's edge, given history, and its unsettling habit of repeating itself. In terms of "what might have been" there's quite a bit. Maybe it still could be, but I doubt it. We're not who we were. Maybe it feels so safe because its not, the same way that some things feel so scary because for once there's nothing to be afraid of. Another chip off the ol' shell, I suppose.

Yes, it's a hellhole, but dammit, it's my hellhole. I guess that's why I smiled all day today. When I wouldn't last night... or couldn't.

Relative reality... hm, there's a concept I could sink my teeth into. Nothing more than what you can perceive exists, or even if it did, you wouldn't notice it. The only truth you can find is the one you come up with yourself.

Keep dreaming.
Daydream Believer

How can I fit so many labels onto such a short post? Metaphors and total lack of clarity!

25 and Sunny

In response to Loud, I hadn't really thought about what kind of motorcycle... preferably one in a relatively un-motorcycle-like colour... like hot pink or something like that. Or maybe a red one... but aside from that, one that runs would be a good start, I think.

I call her Siren for different reasons. Her song tempted me, drew me out of myself and towards her only to dash those initial thoughts on the sharp rocks surrounding her. Reminding me why I was never cut out to be a sailor. As much as the song haunted me, it told me a lot about her as well, maybe a little more than she wanted me to know. She made me sing, when I was afraid, and for that I owe her a lot. Although I doubt she knows it. I hated her for a time, a hate fueled by jealousy, loneliness, and misunderstanding. And then I sailed away on the ripples of those small words that meant so much, and here I am, standing upright and unmystified, like a four-year-old marking her height on the door frame.

I'm sure Freud would have something to say about the funny dreams. I blame it on change of diet, actually getting as much sleep as I should, and the number of detective shows I'm watching. Maybe not so much that last one, but you get the idea.

Anyways, it's sunny and warm outside, so I'm going to rip myself off the computer chair and go outside. If anybody feels like joining me, feel free. It's too pretty a day to be by yourself.

Daydream Believer

Regime

It really isn't the time for numbers. Especially since I've always said I didn't care about them. I did. Not about them, per se, but about what they represent. 155 really doesn't mean a thing until you put it into context. Nor does 125. Or 106. But every time I read those three numbers, I assign a significance to them.

At least she's supportive this time. I took drastic measures before. Not even really on purpose. Back in the black eyeliner days. I call them that, but I still wear black eyeliner. Just not like that. But I did take those drastic measures, and nobody even noticed. So either they just don't pay attention, or the drastic measures were a futile exercise. Either way, I didn't get what I wanted. So here we go again. I think my body's starting to rebel, started even before I started this madness. Or maybe I'm simply hormonal. It does happen.

So dismiss this, if you wish, as the ramblings of someone who doesn't know what she's talking about. Someone who's only ever walked the straight and narrow. Someone who's never rebelled against anything. Because that's what I'm doing isn't it? Accepting the arbitrary restrictions, not fighting anything except myself, my own needs and desires. Conforming. Means to an end is a common defense. I'm never going to be the means to anyone's end again if I've got anything to say about it. I'm takin my own means, to the end I want. Finally. A little dash of control.

It's cold. I don't care. It's not the reckless, wild "I don't care" of there's something more important, it's just the simple truth. The feeling of nothing more important. I want to be important, I just realized. That's not something I tend to say. It's unseemly. But at the same time, I don't think I can help it. Maybe that's what this bit of karma's for. Because, horror of all horrors, I want to be important. Could be that all these inane motions are the channels I try to go through to be important. Maybe I will be someday. But for now, it's cold, and I really don't care. That one was a little reckless.

Reckless, undue risk, maybe while I'm in this mood I should learn to drive a motorcycle. I've always wanted to. It's not rational, it's not safe. It would piss off a couple handfuls of people I could name without thinking too hard. Maybe that's why I've always wanted to do it.

Sticks and stones. I really wish I knew what that look meant. Before you leap headlong into lake conclusion, it isn't that look. A small, twisted, probably very wrong part of me definitely wishes it was, but it isn't. And I'm not just saying that because if it was, it would shatter too many boundaries and foundations to think about the repercussions. It's just a look I can't figure out. Maybe it's different every time. It might be a question. The "I want to ask but..." look. Can't think of what the question is though. I don't have too many secrets anymore, and the ones I've got are solidly buried under mountains of meaningless trivia. Like an extremely complex calculation, much as I hate to compare myself to math, one of those nearly-endless problems that you have the final equation for but have to go through three or four equations to find each one of the values that go into it. Maybe that kind of equation doesn't actually exist and I'm just rambling. As always, I wish I understood that which I don't.

I would so like to be an optimist. Maybe that's why they say I'm crazy.
That's what I'd like to say to the subtle-as-a-train-wreck kick in the pants. How can you stand doing and saying these things, and drag yourself out of bed in the morning, knowing what you know?

Pascal's wager really isn't my thing, but maybe there is something I can't find. I don't know why some believe and some don't. And I don't have a name for what I believe or don't believe, as the case may be. I guess for now I'm working on the "When I know, I'll know" assumption. Fear or no fear.

Tragedy is when an individual is unwilling or unable to connect to their surroundings and society. Well, maybe this is where I try to connect.

Wireless network found!?

Daydream Believer

Sad Eyes

I may be broken, but I'm not broken down. I'm sure they're trying to be sensitive by not mentioning it, but they can't simply not know the particular circumstances which cause me to want to do all sorts of tiny meaningless tasks but not actually get on with my life. I've never been this motivated to garden, paint, or write in my entire life. I'm distracting the fuck out of myself for the next four months to avoid inevitable cabin fever and caginess.

It's not that I don't want a job. I could complete a psychoanalysis to the best of my ability and figure out all kinds of deep reasons for why I'm reluctant to get a job. I don't want to accept that this is as much the real world as that was, I want to pursue other things, I want time to visit friends and family. But the simple answer is just that, simple. I've only had that one job, at least in classic terms of employment. I hated it. Why'd I stay? A combination of not realizing how much I hated it until I got some hindsight, and not wanting to let anyone down by quitting. Just like the victim of spousal abuse who thinks that that's just the way marriage works, I didn't realize that I didn't have to hate my job. However, now I'm feeling tremendous pressure to go back to it, and I really don't want to.
With a little luck, maybe I can get to something else first.

I had a brief brush with the world of bureaucracy today, and once again, am glad I didn't go down that path. A simple delivery. I walked through an open door, not marked with "Employees Only" or any indication that I shouldn't walk through it. I was promptly told that I wasn't allowed to be there, and fortunately, rather than being forcefully escorted out, pointed through another unmarked door towards my destination. This is why I'm an artist.

After that, I ordered new set of eyes. These ones come with clip-on sunglasses. I still marvel that my old frames, purchased 6 or 7 years ago, are basically of the current style, thick semi-transparent plastic. Anyways, 6 or 7 years later, it's time for a change.

I've only got so much positive outlook. After today's meltdown(s) I'm looking to build up another supply. I've heard green tea is really really good for you.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

It's Not What It Looks Like!

Okay, okay, I know this looks bad. Really bad, in fact. My place is a shambles and it looks like a herd of water buffalo just came through, but I'm organized and closer to moving out, I swear. Really.

Next time you hear from me, I'll probably be back in the castle. Unless it's before Friday. Bags, boxes, and my weight in packing tape are going with me for a lovely little 10 hour drive. Yep 10 hours, not 8. Apparently I don't drive as fast as my parents.

Ironic, I never opened the peanut butter jar. Just another change, I suppose. Here I am going back, and I can relate CC saying he's sad to go back. Work, and quite possibly a lot of stress in my future. Job anxiety is not good for me, and I think it took some hindsight to figure out just how much I hated my job. So here's to my luck and hopefully not going back to that job. Here goes nothing.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

Thanksgiving?

I'm completely aware it's the wrong time of year, in fact nearly the opposite time of year, 6 months later, moving from winter to summer, not vice versa, but I don't care. I've got good reason.

I am not required to travel only with the permission and accompaniment of a male relative.
I can legally work.
I have nearly 15 years of schooling under my belt, and there's no reason why I can't get more.
I have never been intentionally locked in somewhere.
I have never been severely beaten.
I reached the age of majority in my country of residence without being married off.
I have both hot and cold running water in my building.
I am not forced to cover my hair or face in public.

Much as I frequently voice (justified, in my opinion) complaints about the state of women's rights in my own country, in relative terms, this is not so bad. I just finished reading Khaled Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns, which reminded me, as something does every now and again, to take a second to be thankful for how far things have come in this country, however far we may still have to go.

Even more so, I dream of the day where every woman on earth, indeed, every person on earth, can be thankful for every single one of those things.

Daydream Believer

How Far is Heaven?

I could.

Bleach my hair out, wear too much eyeliner, wear skinny jeans and decry all things "ordinary".

I could.

Be petty and mean and fake and pretend flawlessness and put everyone down who doesn't meet my exacting standards of thinking just like me.

I could.

Follow all the other lemmings off the bridge, place more stock in appearance than fibre, go on a diet and weigh exactly one hundred and nine pounds, and then complain about how fat I am.

I could.

Stand by and watch, listen, speak only when spoken to, or about.

I won't.
I'm sick of this shit, how old are we?

And I would love to say this is just about me, that I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I want something from someone, because I feel gypped. I do as well, but at the moment I'm more concerned with who else this affects. Really, girl, grow up.

Let's Move Before They Raise The Parking Rate

So... well... y'see...

Okay, fine, I have no excuse for not updating in nearly two months. Schoolwork, travel plans, and a new hair colour. Yep, that's about it in terms of "what's happened to DDB lately". That and some interesting revelations. Like that Emcee never really liked me that much, it turns out. Well, they say to get someone drunk if you want to know the truth about them. And I'm going back to the castle tomorrow. And CC's coming with me. Yep. That's going to be scary as all fuck. And how come Rad's friendly now, when I don't feel ridiculously alone and am not in dire need of a friend? That's just confusing as hell, but even so, one is never in a position to take an extra friend for granted.

So apparently people need to be convinced that I'm an okay person. I need to get my ass on that.
The fig is not important? Who says? I say it's very important, and more important the second time around.

There was a lot more I wanted to say, but I can't think of it just now, so I suppose this is it for now.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

To Sweet Beginnings...

It's right, in a lot of ways, that I spent New Years Eve with Gold, with Loud, and with Sphinx. The year has come full circle, and aside from being a lot of fun, the evening felt full of poetic justice and the tying of loose ends... or the dripping of wax onto already-tied knots, in some cases.

All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

The girl who attended last years' party at Loud's would have been completely confused, befuddled, and more than a little distressed by the current state of events, and guess what? I'm not. Because I'm not her, and probably never will be her again. (Side note, brilliant book about identity: The Third Woman, by Mark Burnell, but it won't make much sense without reading the first three, The Rhythm Section, Chameleon, and Gemini, but they also deal with identity, so it still works.) And guess what? I'm okay with that, despite feeling no particular animosity towards her. And that, my friends, is this year's big step, not feeling animosity towards who I have been while pursuing who I will be, and at the same time not ignoring who I am at the moment.

To sweet beginnings and bitter endings,
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven,
Don't give it back, winter is coming,
And I need to stay warm.

Anyways, I'm looking down the barrel of a cannon full of possibilities, which makes me happy, since none of them look really unfriendly. While it'sgood to be home, I'll be glad to be back South.

We found a map to buried treasure,
And even if we come home empty handed,
We'll still have our stories, battle scars,
Pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships.
And when this hourglass
Has filtered out its final grain of sand,
I'll raise my glass to the memories we had.

Yes, I made some resolutions. And yes, I'd be glad to hear yours, and here's hoping they're more original than "Quit spending money and lose 10 pounds". Not that they aren't worthy goals, but come up with something interesting for New Years. Here's a few that I read or heard various places:

Laugh more.
Drink less coffee.
Sit down and look at the stars/clouds for at least 20 minutes at least once a month.
Do something every day that scares you.
Strike up a conversation with a stranger on public transit or in a grocery store.
Walk or bike somewhere you'd normally drive once a week. (Maybe this one just in the summer for those of us living somewhere very very cold.)
Skip stones. Even if you don't know how.
Smile wider.
Arbitrarily break your routine.
Randomly break into song/dance at least once. (No, DDR does not count)

Alrighty, so there's some interesting New Years Resolutions I've seen. Anyways, that basically covers it in the "things I meant to say when I got to a computer" department, at least, I think it does... if not, there's always tomorrow.


So here's to sweet beginnings, bitter endings or not.
Happy New Year, Keep Dreaming in 2008.
Daydream Believer

Winter Wonderland

Anyone who talks to me regularly knows already about my love/hate affair with being alone. Why, you may ask, is this relevant now? Because as beautiful as this city is, it isn't much good to me without the usual suspects popping up. And since we're currently in the throes of the generic, politically correct, non-denominational, holiday season that happens to take place between the end of November and the middle of January, (also known around here as "Winter Solstice", said in a nasal voice) everyone who doesn't have to be here has gone home. So that leaves me mostly alone on a usually bustling piece of real estate until Thursday. And on Wednesday they stop feeding me.

So yeah... on the bright side, peace, quiet and sleep before heading home for a decidedly unrestful holiday, because that's how these things work. On the not so bright side, not a whole lot of talking, and even fewer interesting shenanigans. Because lately I've been taking part in some interesting shenanigans, however I'm seldom the author of these plans, and the ones who are, are all eating real food as I'm writing this, making me extremely jealous.

And having not seen them in almost two months, I'm about to spend nearly three weeks with the four people on this planet most willing and able to make me cry. Not to mention I'm going to be a person in less than a week. I'm quite looking forward to it, to be honest. Sovereignty over my own person. Sweet!

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I've just been preoccupied. Who would have thought that this change would make me so unbelievably happy, and that I'd really come into my own... oh wait. I did.

Everyone deserves a chance to fly.

Keep dreaming, you never know when you'll get a chance to make them come true.
Daydream Believer

Relapse

Everybody has their weaknesses. Everybody has their issues. I suppose what they don't realize when they show those scare tactic videos is that the people they're trying to scare aren't afraid. Everyone else in the room is terrified. I'm sitting here watching this video saying, "I wish I had that much discipline. I wish I could manage that." For the first time I understood the rationale of control. I don't have that much control. I don't have that much discipline. I'm a fraidy cat. I see those tendancies, I see those habits. I see them in them, and mirrored in myself. And I hate that I'm not strong enough for that. Some might say that it's a blessing, that it's better this way. I'm not so sure. I'm stubborn as anything. I have a lot of willpower, but not quite that much. I'm not that strong.

And then there's emotional pain. A strange, totally unexpected twinge of heartache, so severe that it felt physical. Totally unexpected, but entirely familiar. It was almost a safe kind of pain. Safe, but unwelcome. Safe only in its familiarity. Who would have thought that a dream could have so much power? I should have, for the love of God and everybody, but this took me by surprise. But I don't know whether it was a dream or a nightmare.

Dreaming the day away,
Daydream Believer

Remember

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there.

I did not die.

Author Unknown

On another note entirely, I have a friend who is celebrating his birthday today, and I feel rather bad for him, since people tend to be sombre and reserved, so here's a little happy birthday for him.

Daydream Believer

Sleep Tight

Corporal and Rad, what the hell am I going to do? I don't know, but I know that Ginger is right. Those butterflies don't happen all that often, so I'm damn well going to enjoy them. No matter where this goes, no matter how it ends. Goodness knows its kind of good the let someone else make decisions and do the work for awhile. And I'm going to get all this shit done. Tomorrow I get to pretend to kick the crap out of someone. In the meantime, the words are flowing like cold corn syrup, but that's still better than before, so I'm going to try to heat stuff up.

Ah, music. I really like Eric Clapton, and I didn't even know it. Yay reminiscing. If only I knew then what I know now, eh? I went to almost every one of my middle school dances, but was always too shy to dance. Oh well, hindsight. Dancing is more fun when you don't have chaperones checking to make sure you're not dancing too close anyways.

Maybe the problem is trying to separate heart, head, and gut. You need all three to get anywhere, really. Maybe we should just relax, stop trying to put the boundaries around each, and let them handle things for a while. Your subconscious and unconscious are there for a reason, let them do their job.

I said a lot of things out loud today that I've been thinking for awhile. Oh well. Had to come out in the open sometime, and I kinda felt like I was going to explode. So now I get to sit on this stuff for three days until everyone's in the same place geographically, so that I can get to the same place non-geographically.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Daydream Believer

La Bohème

Love is an angel disguised as lust,
Here in our bed until the morning comes.

Apparently critical volume for getting Daydream Believer most of the way out of her shell is 6 shots of rye in half an hour. Apparently barely post adolescent boys are more or less the same everywhere, which I guess doesn't surprise me. Interesting, I don't quite know how to feel just now. Even though I'm a lot smaller than them, and wasn't quite all there co-ordination wise, I still felt like I was in control. Of my actions, of my words, even of their actions. At the same time, would I have said and done the things I said and did 6 shots earlier? I don't know for sure, but my money's on no. Who am I kidding, I live inside a massive shell... or perhaps a tiny glass box. You can see me in there, but I'm still a step removed. Last night, I removed the obstacles. It was liberating, it was fun, and I wasn't scared. But I can't help but wonder if the people I encountered would appreciate me in all my shell-less glory when they're sober. People, myself included, are a lot more accepting when they're drunk. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified, but damn it, I'm going to get out of this shell. I had a taste of a new kind of freedom, and I liked it too much to let it slip away so easily.

Looks like that's the "foreign ass-grab" skirt. Funny thing was, I wasn't scared, hurt, disappointed, disgusted, or annoyed. Nobody was measuring my reaction either. I wonder if those two things are connected.

All of a sudden, I feel powerful, in control. Stop the presses, I think I've got feminine wiles after all. Shame about the directionality though. I think maybe, things could have happened yesterday, I could have made things happen yesterday. It's an interesting feeling. Sometimes it's alright to be silly. And yes, Ginger, you were right about the good Corporal and probably about Rad as well. As you said, fuck him. Ok, bad choice of words, but I'm sure the idea gets across. If I can stick to that idea, well, hopefully good things will happen. Bloody hell, as soon as I twist my brain around, things get fucked up again. Could be worse though.

Daydream Believer

Cupid, Stupid, and a Crossbow

Some ducks have all the luck. All this talk of chainsaws and dice-rolling, happiness, hedonism, and everybody's favourite four-letter-word. No, I'm not talking about fuck. Much as many might suggest that that's in fact their favourite four-letter-word. It's certainly a versatile word, especially where anger, indignation, or otherwise upset-ness is concerned. And now I have to be quiet because my roommate's going to try to sleep. Oh good.

Here it is Monday again, and as per usual, my world is packed into a handbasket and on its way. How many times can I be told to get out of my shell in one weekend? By how many different people? Maybe they should think twice about trying to release my inner bitch. She's an inner bitch for a reason, and I work hard to keep her that way.

It's a little tricky when the line between joking around and telling the truth gets blurred. And when I say a little, I mean a lot. Lines between morality and legality, and how much you can get away with. This is what we like to call an "Oh shit" moment. Two hours I've been sitting here in front of my computer. I can't tell when I stopped pondering and started moping. But I definitely feel a sulk coming on. I need to find a way to make it go away. I kinda wonder what a shrink would say about me at this point.

I think I may have met the younger version of the character I wrote based on someone I met once. Wow, was that ever convoluted. The simpler way of putting it: I think I figured out what's so intriguing about the person I just met.

Perhaps, like so many other things, it just isn't in the stars. I have to wonder about the accuracy of those things though, despite the testimonials I've heard. Maybe it's just my imagination, all in my head. Sometimes you can't tell the dreams from the nightmares. Which is worse, not talking at all, or a conversation that's like pulling teeth?

We are lonesome animals. We spend all our lives trying to be less lonesome.--John Steinbeck

Once again, I'm restless, because all of a sudden, I have this lovely daydream that I wish could be real. But at the same time, for the first time in a long time, I get the feeling that, when all is said and done, it's just that. Just a daydream. And I'm not quite sure if I can believe it anymore.

Daydream Believer

An Ordinary Day

Rain

Yaaay dehydration! Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Well, sort of. Today it's rainy. I tend to get restless when it rains, and by "I tend to get restless" I mean "I get more restless than usual". It wasn't rainy all day, and I definitely wasn't drinking enough water for the amount of caffeine and lack of sleep and sickness and Tylenol and ibuprofen in my system at various times throughout the day. I am very sore. And tired. And yay it's midterm week. Thank goodness for small blessings, even if they're extremely small.

Rad
I have questions. Lots of questions. You seem fragile off the bat, a little small. Less superficial exploration suggests otherwise. Compact, then. Wiry. Concentrated, perhaps. I'll admit it, the name thing makes me want to shy away. Maybe that's my challenge here, not shying away. Language is arbitrary. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called. I was talking to Este today, and I'm not sure why, but all of a sudden I felt like someone had just let the air out of my tires. All of a sudden all the "I can't" "I won't" mentality came flooding back. I'll probably have to work harder to keep it at bay. All of this ends in a great whopping "I don't know".

Boo!
That's right, I'm volunteering to scare the crap out of little kids. Yes, that's totally out of character for me. That's the lovely thing about acting. It takes you out of character. Unfortunately it doesn't take you out of voice or body, both of which are kind of killing me right now. But it was worth it. Kudos to Officers Ginger, Rambo, Dundee, Flunky, and Bondy. Hopefully I'll get another crack at it.

Identity
I'm halfway through section one of eight. That's alright. At the very beginning of this, I was uneasy about not knowing where I was going, or how I would get there. It's rather funny, I wasn't uneasy because of myself, I was uneasy because of outside influences. Then I heard other voices. I still don't know where I'm going, but I'm a lot happier not knowing than I was. Despite my neurotic tendencies on the small scale, once I get to the big picture, I'm freer. I suppose that's what I wanted. Maybe it's what I needed.

I don't know how I'll make it,
So I guess I'm gonna fake it,
Till I'm somewhere.
I don't know where I'm going,
but I'm going and I'll know it
when I get there.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

People Really Suck Sometimes

Joy, one strung along, one majorly confused, one very angry, one a little oblivious, one the cause of it all. And then here's me, sitting on the other side of the room. I could really go for something interesting that isn't petty drama. I wish things would sort out, and they probably will. But I wish they'd hurry up about it. I suppose one only wants what one can't have, and that one can have a whole hell of a lot, apparently. I don't know why. I don't know how, and to be honest, I don't particularly care, I just wish... well, it really doesn't matter, does it? I can't change anything, the arena's far too small. Although I really wish I'd never heard those words out loud, just been left to imagine it. Better to think someone wants you out of their face than have them open their mouth and prove it.

Daydream Believer

Misery Loves Company

Fucking christ. If you want to tell me to bugger off, by all means, tell me to bugger off. Just don't try to make it sound like you're doing me a favour. I can take a lot more than you expect I can. I'm probably going to regret a lot tomorrow. At least the light was off. Fuck. Misery loves company. Shame I'm alone right now, isn't it?

Daydream Believer

Chances Are

It's all about chances, odds, luck, fate. It's about circles. All of a sudden, I'm back at the same place in this circle, but this time you're at the right place in your circle. Geographic circles are another thing entirely, however, and that's why this is just another pile of what-ifs. I know myself, and I know exactly where this will end, and by the end of it, you won't be the only one that's blue. Christmas seems far away. This is really ironic, it seems that once again I've been posessed by the god/dess of bad timing. That's right, it was the "MFM" look... and that's right, she was right again. To quote a conversation with MFM himself, "This is a fine pickle we've gotten ourselves into, isn't it?" "No, I like pickles, this is more of an onion." Oy vey.

The other half of that lyric?

So close them tight and kiss me one last time.

So now I'm playing with fire, courting disaster, some might say. Like a chainsaw that you can only get in one store that's a very long way away.

Daydream Believer

Thankful and Courting Disaster

Courting Disaster
Right now I have this rather precarious feeling, as though I'm courting disaster. I miss people from the past. I missed people from the present. I want to make everything hurry up, so that I can see what's going to happen. There's my life here, my life there, I don't know how the two are going to mesh, how this whole thing is going to shake out. I have no right to be this tired in the middle of the day.

The runway lights are the deepest blue, like the colour of your eyes.

Red knew exactly what I meant when I said I had a little problem. I can't say it was a surprise in light of recent events, but in light of more distant past events, I'm nothing short of flabbergasted. Not so long ago, unbidden, I thought of you, and I decided that it was a good thing we'd grown apart, because if I'd still needed you, I'd be shit out of luck. Maybe that's the thought that was on my mind when we started talking again. Really talking, none of this "hi, how are you?" nonsense. Not like we were before. Better. We started off acres beyond where we'd ended.
You used to scare me, but you don't anymore. I didn't know how to deal with you at all. I'm still a little in the dark. I crave the unknown as much as I fear it, however. We're still not quite on the same page, but aat least now we're in the same book. maybe we can go from there. I asked the same thing of you before, and that which I feared happened anyways, perhaps had already happened. But please, don't let me lose you.

Just Dance
Poster shopping! Yay! Now I can rival Emcee in terms of our relative poster awesomeness. By April we won't have any wall left, at least not visibly. It's fantastic.

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Thankful
Alright already, do you honestly have to go out of your way to make me blush? Really. And would it be so bad if I did have a boyfriend? Other than the inevitable, it was wonderful. I may have a job lined up as a minion to a producer for the not-too-distant future, which, if it was paid work, could keep me out of the house of grease for a long time.

I would believe only in a god that knows how to dance.

--Friedrich Nietzche

Daydream Believer

Bang Bang

They say you're supposed to do one thing every day that scares you. I've got the rest of this week covered, I figure. Today I had a workshop on theatrical firearms. Which means that yes, timid little fraidy cat Daydream Believer fired a gun. Two guns, in fact. Granted, they were BFD's (blank firing devices, or as the instructor cheerfully suggested to help us remember the acronym, big fucking dildos) loaded with blanks, but even so, blanks can be pretty scary at close range. So can the kick on a semi-automatic weapon. I nearly dropped it. I suppose that's why they only let me put one round in the magazine before I fired it. Anyways, it was an interesting experience, and a good thing for me to learn. The instructor actually explained the idea of using theatrical firearms in a way that made it sound a lot less scary. Of course, he waited to do that until after we'd all fired the guns, but that's ok. The way he put it is that guns are tools, and they can be used in a lot of different ways, and they can be dangerous, but as long as you're smart about it, a gun isn't any more dangerous than, say, a tablesaw. All things considered, though, I don't think I've ever been so annoyed that my hands sweat when I get nervous.

In other news, I've been busy as all getout this week, and I'm finally starting to crawl on top of this little pile of mine. You never know, I may even find some time to warm up my throwing arm. (Loud, I know you think I should use a trebuchet, but really, it just wouldn't be the same.)

Anyways, that's my little tidbit about so far the coolest workshop I've ever done. Stay tuned for workshop #2: unarmed stage combat.

Daydream Believer

Because the Night

Come on now, try and understand,
The way I feel under your command.
Take my hand as the sun descends,
They can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now, can't hurt you now.

On Sunset At Sunset
No, it's not the same place. It's very similar, but it isn't quite the same. It's not that theatre. The place I was talking about was that place, that wonderful, peaceful place. A place that's so much like this place. I loved to wander around there, I love to wander around here. I don't fear so much here. That's a lie. I fear differently here. I don't fear the night anymore, not the same way. The night's the same everywhere. I'm ignoring my work, which I've got gads of, to write this and to read a lovely book that fuels, even if it doesn't explain, my infatuation with the night. Twilight. Sunset. It doesn't seem real, so I can be brave, I can be my fictional self. It's wonderful, until I have to face the bright light of morning. Morning light can be so lovely, so clear and crisp, throwing the world into sharp relief, putting everything into higher definition. But sometimes you don't want the past to be so clear. Sometimes you'd rather not face reality. Sometimes you like the world to go a little blurry. It's about dark and light, but the darkness is a little misunderstood. The night can be an escape, such a relief. I find that I'm more afraid of the clear than the blurry right now. I don't know why that is.
There's nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light. Is there?

Sunbreak
Watching the rain through a crack in the window,
It's the little things get you through,
Like the same sun rising over me's rising over you.
I wonder if you can see the change in my face. Gold, Loud, Este, and Sphinx, you'll have to let me know. I can feel it most of the time, it's subtle, but it's there. I sometimes feel like I've gone back, four years almost exactly. The same feelings, the same insecurities. But it's in the cards, this too shall pass. Opportunity. Carpe diem. A little cliche, I know, but it's real. I've shed one tear since I've been here. One single solitary tear. Not on the day I expected to, or for the reason. I'm not sure whether I felt worse before or after it fell.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me,
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

The Nile
Say that as though you've lived in Manhattan your entire life, and you'll understand. Fortunately, the whole thing passed pretty quickly. No telling when it'll come back, but I won't deny it again. It's simply not healthy. It's one thing to refuse to act on a really bad idea, it's another thing entirely to pretend that the thought to act never came into your head.

I believe in love too real to feel.
Daydream Believer

All lives are made
With these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twisting turns of fate.
Time falls away, but these small hours,
These small hours still remain.

Good Morning?

I don’t care if my alarm was about to go off anyways. That knowledge didn’t make me any happier about hauling my tucchus out of bed at 7 this morning, practically falling down the stairs to stand across the street in my jammies and flip-flops. Oh yes, it was a fire drill. Fortunately this lovely beginning didn’t set a precedent for the entire day.

Want to know what I was doing last night at midnight? I was having a frank discussion about religion. We tried to implement the 10 pm rule, we really did. The one that says we don’t start talking about religion after 10 pm, because we’ll be there all night. All we need is red wine.

Anyways, I managed to resist the temptation to fall asleep during a lecture, which was good, because it was a pretty big temptation. I also managed to keep myself fed and watered throughout the day, which is sometimes more of a challenge than it sounds like it should be. Unfortunately a couple of years ago I developed this terrible habit of eating, and it’s turning out to be a real killer to break. I’m convinced it will be my downfall. I got myself up to my elbows in brown goo made from paint and glue, and was soaking bits of burlap in it for about 2 hours… before that I’d been used as a pack mule hauling and moving various objects that I will probably have to repurpose at some point in the next few months.

I finally saw the inside of the theatre. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life, it was brilliant. Could have done without the whole “gum” conversation, but that’s alright. I suppose they’re entitled to be frivolous.

Remember that place? Loud, you were there with me, and Vagabond Sphinx, you too. It was such a pretty place. I kinda feel like I’m living there now, even though it’s another place. A lot of the same… feelings? Ideas? I’m not quit sure what it is, but there’s something that’s the same. Anyways, my roommate’s back, so I’d best pretend I’m not a computer-crazed freak for a little while. Not that I am a computer-crazed freak, or anything...

Dream on,
Daydream Believer

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
--Sarah McLachlan

I wish I could say goodbye for all those who never got a chance to.

Things have changed in six years about the world I live in.

In the aftermath a number of songs were banned from the airwaves by one company. Songs of joy, songs of healing. Maybe I'll get all fired up about censorship and such another day, but not today. Today I just want to extend condolences, and enjoy the sunset.

We're still here, don't take it for granted, but don't forget it either.

Daydream Believer

Flying Blind

So, remember when I kept mentioning something about 8 months about, oh... 8 months ago? Yeah, so it's over... or begun... whatever. This isn't a place for academics or anything... So, haven't broken down yet, based on my summer camp experience, it's only a matter of time. A lot of changes. Not least of which being brand-new sheets. I haven't slept on brand-new sheets in about four years, with the exception of the last three days. Then there's sharing a room, which I haven't done for longer than two weeks in the last four years. Fortunately the person I'm sharing a room with is a lot more cooperative about it than my younger sister was. Another Red.

Then there's the lack of supervision. I like the freedom. I like not having someone hanging over my head all the time, I'm not going to lie. I'm a little worried that this will cause me to fall victim to my worse habits, but not terribly. I have to admit I'm more concerned about my emotional well-being, and not just because I'm far away from everything I've ever known.

I'm going to become rather obsessed with the symbolic value of that bridge. Yes, it's a real bridge. I can see it from the end of my street. It's a bizarrely comforting link to the past, to a time that was scary as hell then, but is quite a pleasant memory now. I guess I'm in a position where I want those pleasant memories. Plus it's a handy way too tell how far I've walked or biked, and how far I have to go before I can shower or sleep.

At least I'm talking. I'll admit it, I feel a little out of my depth here. Or a lot out of my depth. I've had few experiences others haven't had.

I'm going to have to make my peace with this emerald-eyed smiling beast. I should have known I couldn't escape it, although I expected a reprieve until tomorrow at least. I was hoping for a much longer reprieve. I should know better.

I don't know which causes more problems, when I'm chemically uninhibited, or when my inhibitions come back. You know, maybe they never really disappeared. I felt fine for awhile. I knew I should have gone dancing. Although then I'd be making assumptions I've got no right to be making. Unlike the assumptions I'm making now, those I have every right to make. I can see it. I feel like Timon... "Here's the bottom line, our trio's down to two." It's only been two days, dammit, I was turning over a new leaf. I guess you can't escape your own nature that easily. Or your own shortcomings. I should have seen it coming. Now I just have to make sure I don't say or do anything too stupid in the near future. I won't hate or resent them. I won't. I'll turn that fucking leaf over if it kills me. Which it might. My emotions like to stew and fester. On the bright side, this may be just the motivation I need to get off my ass and do some exercise. Fastest way to burn the festering emotion out of my guts. Won't do my physical guts any harm either.

All of a sudden that half-empty nalgene bottle looks pretty inviting.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea of having no idea where I'm going than I've been in a month.

Daydream Believer

P.S. Baer, you'll find it interesting to note that I'm quite comfortable in this situation, even though I wasn't when I was wearing the sparkly dress.

Blurry

Today I wore my glasses. I hate wearing my glasses, they're impractical and I find I look kind of goofy in them. I've had the same ones since before the thick plastic emo-frames were cool, and that's the kind they are. I don't see as well, and they fog up whenever I move from, say, a walk-in fridge to an overheated industrial kitchen. They fog to the point where I can see better if I take them off and squint. So that's what I did. And I didn't crash into anybody either.

So how come nobody tells me when I've got barbecue sauce all over me?

"Tell me something I don't know, Red." That was an awkward conversation. I hate to think that it might be our last half-decent one.

It seems easy enough. Too easy, as a matter of fact. Maybe I'm in some form of denial, and this will hit me later, maybe I'd already started healing before the wound was inflicted. Maybe I'm just bouncing back. I just hope that later I don't come to regret where the pieces fell. Lately I've been feeling ok though.

Blue
Oy vey. You don't talk to someone for 6 months, and then you start talking again, and OH MY GOD! It all starts coming back to you. As I told L'Ange this morning, yesterday I had my first little headbutt with this novel situation. And you know what? It doesn't feel half bad. I'm just hoping I don't do something silly.

Hm... Tiger. You know, I think I like the sound of that. Still haven't really figured out what colour I am... initial guess was orange, wasn't it, Gold? That's kind of boring. Tigers are orange! Anyways... do most tigers roar? Now that I think about it, it doesn't really matter. I roar.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

The Trail We Blaze

Maybe I'm a little bit slow on the uptake. Maybe a bit more than a little slow. Goodness knows I've missed a few things lately. Although a few things fell into place too. For instance, a year and a half too late, I figured out what the clue with the Anima/Animus thing was supposed to be. Although really, Gold, you ought to have known that your brain works on one wavelength, and mine works on a totally different one, and while that was a perfectly good hint working on your wavelength, I try to follow your brainwaves and get sucked into the undertow, and well, look at how long it took me for that clue to fall into place. It's a good thing I wasn't relying on your hints, isn't it? Otherwise I'd still be in the dark.

In any case, I also learned the difference between a monolith and a megalith. And based on what I know of both (granted, not much) I doubt that the former was ever as accurate as the latter, although that's my reality. Sure, there's an objective reality, but I'm sure that you're as sure that what you perceived as reality was real as I am that what I perceived as reality was real. Although you can't get much more real than your own experiences. It doesn't entirely surprise me to see how long that change took to take place, but it disappoints me a little. I suppose I haven't got any right to be disappointed, but since when have my emotions taken any advice from my head.

Red, Bear, Heater, I'm going to need that little vacation. I know it's going to be inconvenient, I know it won't be as stress-free as we'd planned, but I think I'm going to need to distance myself a little. Even if we don't end up leaving town.

Twice in six months I've gone back to old, grainy, black and white after a fortnight of high-definition. This time it was a little different. Maybe it was the lack of jet-lag. Maybe it was because things still haven't returned exactly to their sepia-toned everyday selves. I don't know, I may never know. Although I sympathize with Gold sentiment of "Okay, now it's time for the next thing." Stay tuned for the movie. Yes, there's going to be a movie.

Funny, isn't it, that when the tears started flowing, among all present, there was only one person who I wished would not see them.

There's change on the air again, lots of it. In many areas. A summery twist on my usual toboggan analogy: the enclosed black waterslide. This is, I guess, the part where, terrified, I sit on the dinghy and shut my eyes, powerless to control the direction or speed of the slide, never having been on a waterslide before, tuck in my feet and scream.

Just along for the ride,
Daydream Believer

Out Of The Blue

Cyclic Circles

I guess it takes hindsight to see the truth about it. Well, hopefully I'll know a little better for next time. I'm not going to get hung up on "might-have-beens", at least not today. But I'm about to start the same cycle over again. Now that I've been around the block once or twice, I feel like I can finally go for this without worrying so much.

Who am I kidding? I'll always worry, it takes up about 40 percent of my consciousness. I have to face facts, I'd be lost without it.

In any case, I have a few bits of, well, I think they're bits of brilliance, but everyone else might think they're bits of something else that starts with a B. That's ok though. They're mostly things I'm writing down so that I'll remember them in a couple of months. They may or may not make any sense to you, and that's ok too. Some bits out of my own mind, some bits I've picked up from people, books, coffee mugs or T-Shirts.

The trick is to dance like you're drunk even when you haven't had a drop.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
Don't panic. You've made it this far, why would you break a winning streak like that?
Never say never.
Never say "What's the worst that could happen?" even if you're thinking it really hard, because fate may decide to show you.
Laugh. It's fun and good for you, and that's getting harder to find.
Have fun. It's rarely as serious as all that.
Oh, suck it up and go talk to him/her/them. They're not that scary, and they probably feel just as lost as you do.


MFM

How many times in the last couple of weeks have I thought about My Favourite Mistake? Too many. Way too many. I don't know why I'm thinking about it again after all this time. Maybe I'm still looking for the closure that I've grown doubtful I'll ever get. Maybe time has simply sealed the pages shut. Maybe that is my closure. I'd still like to touch base, I want to know what's happening now. Maybe I'm just playing with fire. I have to say, it's a good thing I'm not a cat.

Music
So lately I've had songs from these couple of movies stuck in my head. The kind of movie they give to little Christian kids to make them think they're watching Disney movies when really it's more like Sunday School on video. At least it's Sunday School with an award-winning soundtrack. The messages aren't bad, and the music's nothing short of amazing.

Memories
How awesome would it be to never have any regrets? It's something to try for, although it's practically impossible to do. I suppose I'm going for the happy medium here, between recklessness and being a wet blanket. Less like "forget regret" and more like "regret, sure, but then deal with it and move on". I blame Gold for my current state of having to scrutinize every idea that pops into my head and figure out how it meshes with my other ideas. Oh well, I'll never be bored. Here's to holding onto the good memories, and not dwelling too much on the not so good ones.

Anyways, I think that's pretty much enough musing for one morning. Ought to get out there and face the rest of the world, rather than just the part that is between me bed and my computer.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Fleur De La Nuit

Man are these claws ever a pain in the butt.

I didn't get very much sleep last night... more accurately this morning, having seen the first creeping bits of daylight before retiring at around 4 am.

I feel kind of drained... I have high hopes for next week though. It'll be a different crowd, a different atmosphere.

Anyways, I'm friggin tired, so this is it for now. I should probably have more to say, given the events of yesterday evening/this morning, but I'm too tired to examine or analyze, so this'll have to do for now.

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rain fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

How someone finds that depressing is totally beyond my comprehension... but that's beside the point... as is the whole "we stand on God" thing.

Anyways,
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Sad Eyes

Every time. Same thing over and over again. Never any resolution, we just try to forget it ever happened, until the next time. And somehow it's always my fault. And yet nothing I say can possibly make it any better. So what's the point of having these conversations. You get mad, I get mad, and everything gets worse.
I get it, I get that I'm a terrible person, and you're a wonderful one, and that you'd never do the awful, terrible things to me that I do to you, but really, I do get sick of hearing it over and over again.
How come you never apologize to my face? I didn't think of this at the time, but maybe subconsciously I was walking away because I know we never resolve anything face to face.


Sometimes I cannot stand you. Maybe it's because I see the things I hate most about myself in you, maybe it's simply because I see a lot of myself in you, and I was never meant to get along with someone who's like me. This is why I've been chewing so much gum lately. It's much easier to bite down on a wad of chewing gum to shut yourself up than it is to bite your own tongue. Trust me, I've got lots of practice, and it hurts. Maybe I haven't got any right to be this angry, but I am. I'm practically fit to be tied. What I don't understand is why things changed. I have a gut feeling, but I'm not sure. Either you changed, or I changed, or we simply had a major difference of opinion that threw the minor ones into sharp relief. Maybe that's it. A difference of opinion.

5...4...3...2...1...
Last few feet of the mudslide. Maybe it's time to dig in my heels.

On another analogical note entirely, I feel like I'm slowly being pulled up the lift hill towards the top of a really freakin' high roller coaster. In case I haven't mentioned this to you before, I'm terrified of heights. As soon as I get over the top of that lift hill, I'm going too fast and screaming too loud to even notice most of what's going on. It's the lift hill that's the killer. The anticipation.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer
P.S. Maybe it is too late, Ace, but I've always had a penchant for lost causes.

Mini Post

Just about to leave for the house of grease... but I have a little message directed to people in general, but someone in particular. Forgive the 1st person/2nd person switches... there is a reason for it.

Initially, Daydream Believer and the flesh-and-blood person sitting at the keyboard typing this were two entirely different entities. It was a clever safety feature. However, as time goes by, this becomes less and less true. Daydream Believer and her tangible counterpart are becoming with each passing day more like the single individual they were long before this was begun. If you don't know who I am, there's a reason for it. If you do know who I am, please don't tell anyone, should they ask.

On a lighter note, friends are pretty awesome things. But it's one of those things that you can only really appreciate from the outside. You never know from the first person, or second person, you have to see it from the outside to get it. Friendship can take different forms, but the bare bones are the same.

Sunset sailing on April skies,
Bloodshot fireclouds in her eyes,
I can't say what I might believe.


Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer