Deliver Us

Lock It Up
One minute, everything's normal, the next minute... it's not. Not a great place for the likes of us, but we had no choice. There we were. Nobody knew what to do for sure. As prayers began to weigh down the air, tears began to flow. I don't even know why. Not for sure. I hope that those tears helped to clear any other tears out of the air. I hope. I've never before felt the urge to shed tears in relief. The urge was overwhelming. Nobody else seemed to have felt the same tension. Thankfully the red faded before the next trial. If I'd been asked if I was alright, I wouldn't have been anymore.

"I know I don't really know you, but you're among friends here, if you need a hand to hold or anything."

Listen To The Music
Everything else held aside, you've gotta hand it to Christianity for their music... Go to a Baptist church and listen to the choir if you don't believe me. The sheer joy of it. Religion aside, I think that music like that, and the people who create it is something that the world needs. Don't even get me started on the music that comes out of other churches. I don't know for sure what it is, but something about the addition of religion makes music... transcend something. Not that music isn't an amazing feat on its own. I've heard people say "Math is life" they're liars. Music is life. Music is what it's all about. It's finely distilled emotion. Perhaps the thing about religion is that even people who are uncomfortable expressing personal emotions can feel comfortable expressing emotion in the context of worship. Maybe. It's just a guess. It's open to debate.

Can She Do It, Ladies and Gentlemen?
She is about to take on a near impossible task. Can she do it? I sure hope so. She has to, she's committed. Of course, nothing's set in stone. Nothing in the universe is set in stone. Ever. But she's as committed as she's going to get. She's going to go through with it, come hell or high water. But will it have the expected results? Maybe, maybe not. Here's to the Lady. (Yes, the one with brilliant emerald eyes.) May she guide her the best that she can.

'Here is a riddle to guess if you can?' Sing the bells of Notre Dame. 'What makes a monster and what makes a man?'

Some day out of the blue
Maybe years from now
Or tomorrow night
I'll turn and I'll see you
As if we always knew
Some day we would live again, some day soon
--Elton John, Someday Out Of The Blue

This won't be the end. It can't be, because quite frankly we're not ready. We still need this one tiny smidgen of stability.

Crisis
Another person might call this a crisis of faith. I think it's actually rather the opposite. My life is one long episode of what the religious would call a crisis of faith. This is one of the few times when I feel sure, and I'm really not sure why. I'm not going to screw with it for now. As I said, my beliefs are complex. I'd be happy to sit down over coffe and discuss them, but keep in mind I will probably change my mind two or three times throughout the discussion.
But for now...

I will act when action is necessary.
I will speak when it is prudent, and hold my tongue when it is not.
I will trust my own convictions to guide me.
I will hope for the best, even while planning for the worst.
I will pray when the mood takes me, to whomever or whatever seems appropriate at the time.
I will dream, during the night and during the day.

Call me heathen. Call me half-assed, half-baked, half-crazy. Call me undecided. Call me weak-willed, weak-minded, or just plain weak. I hope it makes you happy.

Keep dreaming, I know I will.
Daydream Believer

Dark Horse

It's one of those days where you really want to be somewhere subterranean, if for no other reason than to escape the heat.

Alright so a tally of people who have almost made me cry/made me want to cry in the last 5 days...
My Draconian Boss (well I already know he's generally a prick)
Bear (Not intentionally, one of those bittersweet things)
Loud (Ditto)
SS (A long story...)
My Parents (Enough said)
My Siblings (Ditto)
CR (Again, bittersweet)
Heater (Ditto)



That's a lot of reasons to be close to tears, but I'm saving all the bittersweet ones for a couple of weeks... I'm going to at least put forward an effort to limit the number of times makeup makes ugly black streaks down my face.

On another note entirely, there's someone who I have this kind of "I like you usually, but sometimes I really want to smack that smug smirk off your face" relationship with. I already know Gold would tell me to do it... but even he might be surprised by who winds up with a red welt across their cheek. (Gold, if you're reading this, don't worry, it's not you.)

Quotes
There is nothing that is there in the dark that is not there in the light, except darkness itself.
There is nothing to fear, save fear itself.

What's the worst that could happen?- Famous last words.

Quote from Bear....
"Why do I find to so easy to picture [Ace] and [Gold] having a catfight?"

This is what I get for rereading all those old notes, eh? Speaking of Bear... I call dibs on wearing the dress for the long, boring, life-changing ceremony.

There's something about this time of year that leaves me feeling slightly exhilarated and gives me the distinct feeling that I can do anything, that anything is possible. Most people have to have a lot of chemicals in their system before they start thinking that. Maybe I'm just lucky that way.


I think things are finally starting to gloss over with Ace. Loyalties are finicky things. A note to Ace, in case he ever reads this and recognizes himself, Just because I care about you doesn't make me your mother, I promise. And I think I do a pretty good job of acting my age, you just don't notice when I act too young to be your mother. Which I am. By a good 40 years... but that's beside the point.

The next couple of weeks, and the two months after that, are going to be like tobogganning down a mudslide. Really really fast, and you get to the end and go, "did I seriously just do that?" Yep. Just like a big old roller coaster.

It's been one hell of a ride.

Daydream Believer

A Mouth With Legs...

Ah yes, forced to use idiot exploiter... stupid machines. But I'm back, for a little while at least.


You Talk About Heaven, But You Said You Don't Believe In God?
My beliefs are complex. Give me a break, this is a time when I'm supposed to be changing my mind every 20 minutes or so, isn't it? You'd think I was weirder if I was sure. I do keep changing my mind, because I keep finding out about things I hadn't considered. Previously I found myself best classified as "none of the above". However, now I think maybe it would be more accurate to say "all of the above" or at least "none of the above exclusively".

In any case, during my little hiatus while my computer was simply not behaving itself, I thought of a couple of interesting things, which thankfully I had the presence of mind to write down, because I never seem to be near a notebook, let alone a computer when I start thinking about stuff.

Nothin' But A Heartache
If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was heartbroken. I'm not heartbroken. I am feeling the effects of a loss though. Whoever said you can't miss what you've never had was a liar. That or they always had what they wanted. Granted, if you'd asked me a month ago whether I had this or not, I'd have said I did. Now I know that I was wrong.
Conflict. Can you care for someone you don't respect? Can you respect someone and want to slap the smirk off their face at the same time? Can you hold partial respect for someone?
I'm trying to sort it out. Comeone I want to slap, someone I want to hug. Someone I want to make cry. Someone I want to keep from crying.
I'm too close to this. I'm too far in to get out. I shouldn't be here in the first place, but now I'm here to the bitter end.
Do I still care? Of Course. So I think that's wise? No. I keep asking myself the eternal question, "What if things were different?"
The fires are out, the burns bandaged, but itwill be a long time before they fade. For whatever part I played in this, I am sorry. Is this perhaps a pain, like so many others, that was created through my own device? I wouldn't be surprised, I've got a knack for this shit.

Empty Orchestra
Froosh! We fall out of the sky. We scream around corners, caught up in a world so vibrant that it makes high-definition look like a grainy old black and white TV. So vibrant it's surreal. This is a once in a lifetime experience, and it's one that's changed us. We may not know who we are, even if we did before, but we know that we don't have to. We can face anything. It's not about how far you fall, it's about how high you bounce when you hit bottom. Life isn't about plan A anymore.

Alright, I think that's pretty close to enough soul-searching type stuff for now. In other news, finally saw all three spiderman movies... not too bad, although I still think the emo version of Peter Parker is just not right...

Anyways, one thing that's really present in my mind right now is music. And lots of it too. I have a few snippets of lyrics running through my head right now.

What kind of world do you want

Think anything

Let’s start at the start

Build a masterpiece

Be careful what you wish for

History starts now

--World, Five For Fighting

I believe
fate smiled and destiny
laughed as she came to my cradle
"know this child will be able"
laughed as my body she lifted
"know this child will be gifted
with love, with patience
and with faith
she'll make her way"
--Wonder, Natalie Merchant

And, the newest addition to my little list of quotes:

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
--Voltaire

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Daydream Believer
P.S. Much as I wish I'd thought up that last quote, no... it's Edgar Allan Poe.

Don't Push The Big Red Button

Today's mantra: "Don't do it..."

Don't get me wrong, every one's entitled to their opinion, but such broad generalizations need one hell of a case to back them up. Until I see that, you're not going to convince me. Not to mention whatever underlying problems may or may not exist within this problem.

Don't you dare write my opinions off just because they come from me. Either you agree with an opinion, or you don't, and that shouldn't change in accordance with who voices it. Don't assume I agree with you. Don't put words in my mouth.

I'm not sure why it is, in fact I'm pretty sure there's no reason for it at all, but certain people have this mystical ability to make me feel unsure of myself, incapable, incompetent, and powerless. I know that I am both capable and competent, but every now and then it is called into question.

People say, "I always speak my mind" as if it's a good thing. There is nothing glorious or brave about speaking your mind if the only purpose it serves is to hurt someone. It is good to know your opinions, and it is good to be unafraid to express them. It is equally good to have the judgement to know when to bite your tongue.

Everything in life is cyclic. This is how it was always meant to be. It's just a matter of remembering that nothing is permanent. Everything changes, and there's no way to stop it. Life is as simple and complex as a series of circles, ever-decreasing in size, and although at many points throughout life we may find ourselves at the same point in one cycle, we will never be at the same point in each of the various cycles of our existence at the same time again.

I am now the oldest I have ever been, and the youngest I will ever be.

I don't know who said that, but they're right. Kinda gives me a funny carpe-diem kind of feeling.

Sometimes you wonder. I figure it must be normal to wonder, at least for me, because I do it all the time, and as far as I can tell, there's no way to stop it. I wonder how I got here, where I'm going. I wonder about what might have been. I try not to think about that one too much. Only leads to trouble.

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. You have to look straight into the eyes in the mirror and give that insolent bastard a good talking to. Sometimes you have to give that frightened little person a good pep talk. It's up to you.

Maybe all I need is a little fresh air and sunshine.

In spite of it all, lately I've been feeling good. Not just good, but good. I've got a good feeling about tomorrow. Not the literal... oh 6 and a half hours or so from now when I wake up tomorrow, tomorrow in general. I'm looking forward to it. There are opportunities out there, and dammit, I'm going to seize them.

Look to the future, sure, but don't trip over the present while you're at it.
Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

PS, lately I've been feeling decidedly feline. I think maybe you're on to something, Gold.

There's No Business Like Show Business

So I heard the cries of "Update! Update!" and I do have a legitimate explanation for it... for some reason unbeknownst to me my computer just doesn' t want to run blogger anymore... so I found a way around it, as I usually try to do.

Plus, lately, I've been crazy busy.

I've never wanted to punch that particular person in the face nearly so much before, and maybe the next time I'm told I'm lying when I say I'm ok, I will. I guess I've never taken kindly to being called a whore.

Speaking of people I wanted to punch in the face lately... sometimes people just get under your skin for no reason. Not because they're trying to, they just happen to do it. And God only knows that sometimesthat makes it just as bad, if not worse.

Speaking of people I've wanted to puch in the face lately, my boss is not among that number. I know, it comes as a shock to my system as well. Maybe I'm not giving the guy quite enough credit. He gave me the time off I needed, without a fuss or a fight. I'm impressed. Maybe I finally have a little pull after all. God knows I've been there long enough.

I knew I should have gone with my gut and held on to the damn memory stick.

I had a lot of things to say in the last little while... now all of a sudden, they're kind of gone. That's ok, I'm sure they'll come back.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Every New Beginning...

Alrighty then... here we go...

28 Hours... Tomorrow!

I haven't quite wrapped my head around it yet... Soon, though. Away we go...

So you pick up your bags,
Look around at your friends,
And you know none of them
Would ever have the strength
To cross the bridge and lose control.
You've never felt this bold.
Never felt this good.

One day you'll come back,
With wrinkled hands and grey hair.
And there you will stand on the spot,
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same.
But you are somebody else now.

--Shaye, Beauty


Hey hey, I guess it hasn't hit me yet,
Fell through this crack and I kinda lost my head.
--Blue Rodeo, Hasn't Hit Me Yet

Ever had one of those days where you were sure the universe was just a dreamscape, and that none of this is actually happening?

It makes for one hell of an interesting day.

Gold, you never did get around to telling me what animal you think I am.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Lions And Lambs

So yeah, the whole "March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion" thing isn't just talking about the weather anymore...

Alrighty then... this is going to be a little bit... infernal... so yeah... ye be warned...

The Music in Me... Or Not
Something that used to make my day a little brighter, used to be something that made getting up extra early one morning a week worth it, doesn't anymore. In fact, it sucks. And you know why? Because nobody cares anymore. There's no energy, no vitality. No heart. And it sucks. It's a waste of time right now. It's boring, it's tedious, and I hate every second of it. Maybe the music just isn't in me anymore... or maybe it's just not in anybody else.

In other news... this month's Cosmo was rather disappointing.

She's Baaaaaaack
I'm getting annoyed again. This is not a promising development. When my default mental and emotional state is best described as somewhere in between "mildly tweaked" and "somewhat dissatisfied", it can't be too long before those lovely impulses blossom into "what the hell is wrong with the universe" syndrome. Which means the boomerang has just completed its outward journey and is on its way back, to steal an image from those sensitive-tooth-toothpaste commercials. Fact is, there's nothing wrong with the universe. Aside from the obvious, I mean... hunger, war, global warming. But that's in a whole other ballpark. The problem is 100% internal. As the Reverend Larry Shannon says, "When you've been living on the fantastic level, but have got to operate on the realistic level. That's when you're spooked, that's the spook."

I can feel it. She's coming back. Like that freakin' cat in the nursery rhyme. The one that wouldn't die. I guess I'm spooked. And I have a feeling I'm gonna stay that way.

Bear
It's the second-guessing. I'm totally indecisive. Roles reversed, would I be saying the exact same thing to you? Almost definitely. Roles as they are, can I appreciate that this seems a little sketchy from the outside? Absolutely. Do I sound like I've cracked yet? Probably. Is what you're saying crazy? No, I'd probably be saying exactly the same thing.
The problem arises when I have to figure it out for myself. Am I just jumping at shadows? Is this really what's happening? And if it is... how come I can't freakin' tell? Aren't you supposed to be able to just know when things like that are happening. You're supposed to have some sort of gut-feeling, magical compass-esque thing that just lets you know.

I'm stressed. I wasn't before. So much for a good vent...
Restlessly Dreaming
Daydream Believer

Razor Wire Shrine

Good god, it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here... wow.

Alright, here goes... deep breath...


28 Hours 28 Hours 28 Hours 28 Hours
(Actually, I think it'll be closer to 32... but that's beside the point.)
3 Weeks from today! *Squeeeeeee*

Think I might be a little excited?

In any event, something I was a little concerned with is probably not going to be an issue, which takes one hell of a load off my mind. I'm looking forward to this again, which is good, because for a while I was doubting whether it was going to be worth the trouble. It will.

You spiteful prick.

Well, that's that, I guess. It's over and done with. I don't know if I'll ever get that opportunity again, which is kind of sad.

Bah... I was going to write something... but here I am sitting in front of the computer, and I'm drawing a complete blank. I hate when that happens.

Light A Match In The Wind
Quite frankly, I wish I had her composure and control... or at least the ability to fake said composure.


It's only when you overdraw your emotional bank account that you can find out how much credit you have.

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

No Day But Today

Epiphany

Ever had one single moment where the world all seems to make sense and everything's perfectly clear? Me neither. Every now and then though, I get the feeling that something's changed. Usually I can't put my finger on it. This time I can. This may change by tomorrow, but for right now, I know where I stand. This may not be a big deal for anyone else, but for me it is. I know where I stand, I know that I can have my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground simultaneously, and I think it shows. It's bloody amazing how much things can change in a week. I didn't notice it, but I've been systematically redefining the parameters of my existence for about 5 days now. Things that would have scandalized me a week ago, I can easily shrug off, things that I would never have said or done come easily to me. And I know that whatever I do, whatever I say, I will still be who I am. All of a sudden, I am sure I exist. It's kind of a nice feeling.

All You Wanted

Someone very brilliant once said something to the effect of: Only two great tragedies exist in this life. One of them is not having what you want. The other is having it.

As I said, someone very brilliant. If you have one thing you want, sometimes you have to forgo other things you want. I'm not sure what the tradeoffs are going to turn out to be, but I know they're going to happen. That's ok though. I've got a good feeling about the future for once. And I know I'll get through all this. This DDB v2.0 is a very resilient person, I think.

Inspiration

All of a sudden, I've been inspired. At the risk of sounding like a really bad cliché, lately I've caught myself dancing like nobody's watching, singing like nobody's listening. I've done things in the last couple of days that I should have done ages ago, just to prove to myself that I could, that my tiny little world wasn't going to crumble or grind to a screeching halt just because I did something a little out of the ordinary.

I should have some song lyrics, but none really seem to fit.
In closing... CR, I think I would like to see you shake it.

Here's to really breaking the monotony.
Daydream Believer

And All She Wants To Do Is Dance

Alright, so if anyone knows where I can get the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing Havana Nights, please tell me with all speed... and if anyone's interested in packing up their stuff and moving somewhere warm with me for a couple of months or so, please contact me ASAP. :P

Nah, I couldn't leave the winter. In any case, on a slightly less googly-eyed note, the future is a bitch, man. A few rather strange things collided recently, and I'm still not sure where all the bits are going to land. On the one hand there's this person I haven't spoken to in awhile, and would have been quite tickled pink never to have to deal with again, but I guess that wasn't about to happen. He reminded me of a time when I thought I was happy but really wasn't. His brother still gives me dirty looks. On another note entirely, I might be teetering on the brink of a gigantic loss, and although the prospect terrifies me, I recently came to a realization. I am going to be okay. Even if it's going to be over. Sure, hearing those words hurt, and if that's how it's going to turn out, I'm going to be sad for a long time. But not forever.

I want to dance. I'm mad, and scared, and ecstatic and exhausted, and all I want to do right now is dance. I want to make this all go away. If this is how it's going to turn out, I have to think of it as the removal of one more binding tie, as freedoom, as becoming more myself. That's all I can do.

Daydream Believer

Baila En La Calle De Nocha

There's not a whole lot I can do about it now, I guess. Bugger.

I suppose I've always been a dreamer, as much as I've always denied it, even to myself. I've always had dreams, and although their direction might have changed from day to day, they were always there. Lately I've been having some dream issues, if you will. It seems that every time I make up my mind, something changes and all of a sudden it just isn't in the cards anymore.

It's about being exactly who you want to be in that moment.

What a weekend. Every now and then a piece of art comes along and just muddles the world up. I can't say it was a great time for the world to get muddled up. I can't help but feel a little bit heartsick after all that. I guess I've always been a softy after all. I refuse to believe that that's the end of the story. I stopped finding anything useful in fairy tales a long time ago, which I guess is why these halfway fairy tales have such an appeal for me. Of course, I can't leave well enough alone, I've never been able to. Everyone's got a little OCD going for them. I have to wonder about where they came from, and where they're going. It's a compulsion, and not an unwelcome one. I suppose everyone dreams of having a fairy tale come true for them. Precious few ever experience it. Apparently you can miss something you never had.

All in all, it was a good weekend.
Back to the daily grind tomorrow,
Daydream Believer

Whether Pigs Have Wings

Philosophical Cornerstones
All things considered, this is a really bad time for my own brain to be screwing with me. I can handle my boss screwing with me, I can handle my teachers screwing with me, I can handle my friends screwing with me. I don't know if I can handle my own brain screwing with me. I'm used to being practical-joked from external sources, but I'm not so used to being practical-joked from inside my own head.

Maybe it's not a joke.

This is a bad time for my philosophical cornerstones to get moved around. A really bad time.

Fact is, I haven't pictured myself being that way in the future for a very long time. When I was little, sure, but lately, I've been decidedly of the mind that domesticity really isn't my bag. Except all of a sudden I changed my mind. Not a total 180... not yet at least, but a distinct change in mindset. All of a sudden, this idea I've been thinking just wasn't me feels ridiculously... right. I don't know why, and I'm not sure if this is a change for the better or not. I just don't know.

I don't know. I hate not knowing. I'm a planner, I need plans, even if they're only written in sand next to an ocean. The problem with this being that life doesn't adapt well to plans. Which is why I was planning to not need plans... if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't.

L'Ange
Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. I hope the box had good news in it. You've been so good to me, I need to believe that all that good karma will be rewarded. I think you could handle even the bad news, but I don't want you to have to. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

Everything's about to flip. I can't say I'm not glad... it'll take one of the loads off my mind. Just one week left.

Anyways, keep dreaming.
Daydream Believer

Crescendo

Miserere Mei
It's over, and it sucked. I wanted you there, but as the evening progressed, I came to the realization that I didn't want you to see me like that. You've seen a few bad moments, but I don't want you to see them all. I don't want to be your charity case, I don't want to become a string of bad moments linked together only with tears. That was a bad moment you were better off not seeing.

Bear
You might wonder why I never told you to stop, that you should stop, that you had to stop. It's not because I don't want you to. It's not because I don't care, it's not because I think it's OK. It's not. I'd like to say I understand, I know what you go though, but I can't, because I don't. I've never said anything because I don't want to be a hypocrite. Nor do I want to sound like a broken record. At this point you may ask if this is an experience we've both had. It isn't. Not that I never wanted to, not that I never felt that push. Understand, I'm not trying to lord it over you, "I was strong while you succumbed to temptation." That's not it at all. I was just always too much of a chickenshit.

SS
I don't want you to worry about me. I've told you a lot of my worries, and I don't want you to worry that they're slowly killing me. They're not, they're just nagging like the mother of a teenager. The thing is, when I'm with you, they evaporate. No, not even evaporate, just disappear completely. I just feel like nothing else matters, I can just let everything else drop. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it scares the living shit out of me, to be honest. I've always been one of those "empowered" people, you know, live your own life, don't screw with your dreams just because somebody else is suddenly in the picture. That kind. Well, the scary bit is, all of a sudden, all those things I've been thinking about just don't seem so important anymore. And I know it's not smart, and I know it makes me a terrible feminist, but it's true. On the one hand, my head is shouting at me to get a grip on myself, on the other hand, my head is saying, "well, maybe this isn't as bad as I previously thought it would be." The reason I didn't tell you this sooner? I don't want you to worry about me. This isn't a worry, it's just something I have to sort out.

Hallelujah
Walking the line between elation and desperation, something I haven't experienced in awhile. Usually, though, both come from the same source. In this case, on the short term, everything's fabulous, but the long-term is screwing me over. Like, I'm-up-shit-creek-without-a-paddle-in-a-chicken-wire-canoe screwing me over. If you haven't heard me rant, rave, or cry about this yet, consider yourself lucky, but your odds of remaining that way are slim.

Alright, I've got stuff to accomplish in the next little while. If I snap, scream, rant, rave, cry, or have a nervous breakdown, don't panic, just stop time for a few days while I get my bearings. This'll all work out somehow. I have to believe that.

Daydream Believer

Why The Sea is Boiling Hot

3 Months
About two and a half months ago, someone said to me, "I envy you, you're at such a nice stage where everything's rainbows and butterflies, and you don't have to deal with the real world." Well, the real world has caught up to me, as it always does. I'm not doing it on purpose, but I'm creating this distance, and it's glaringly obvious.

"I never want you to feel obligated to see me."

There's words I dind't think I'd be hearing for awhile. I hate that this hurts more than if you screamed and yelled and ranted and raved. It hurts more than if you'd slapped me. This is real hurt. This is something I'd give anything to make go away. That I hurt this much lets me know without a shadow of a doubt how much I care. But I can't make you understand it, because all I can say is "I'm sorry." And that's just not enough.

Circles
I'm probably too quick to trust. Everything in this life changes, and me along with it. I move, grow toward, grow apart, then move again. I don't know how to stop it. I guess I've always just had itchy feet. I hate the word best. There are no bests in my world, just the way time shifts things, and the way we do. I can't say that word, best, as it relates to you and me, because that's not the terms I think of this in. I do trust you, as much as I trust anyone else, more than most. I guess the problem is that I want so badly to be anyone someone needs to anyone who needs someone, and it just can't happen that way. Because more than actually needing other people, I find I need to be needed. Not to say that I don't need others too, because I do. It's hard to explain properly. But I have a feeling you'll know what I mean, because that's something you do very well, figure out what I mean from a blush and a stammer. I can't use the word best, but as far as I'm concerned, it's just a different word. If you want to use the word best, be my guest. I'm not scared.

FWF
This is beginning to look more and more like my favourite mistake. The major similarities? I hate how every time I talk to you, I feel like there's something been left unsaid. I hate that I can have a fantastic conversation with you, or a terrible one, but either way, I don't want to see you go. I hate how we grew apart so fast, and I hate myself for selfishly wanting you to need me. A friendship can't be based on a single night, or even a few nights, and I should really try harder to remember that. The number 1 major similarity: This isn't your fault, it's mine.

So yeah, today was a resounding failure, and I very much wish I could take it all back and redo it, but the world doesn't have an undo button. Even if it did, I'm sure it would be so abused and in such disrepair that it just wouldn't work.

I think I may need more ice cream...

Keep Dreaming
Daydream Believer

A Bite Before Lunch

Promiscuity

You see that subtitle, and you assume sexually promiscuous, but I'm going in a whole other direction today. Ever thought about emotional promiscuity? Feeling too much for someone, or feeling something for too many someones, or any combination or extension of the two. I could debate whether emotions are physical or metaphysical, or how to decipher that annoying little feeling in your gut that bears an uncanny resemblance to thousand-pound butterflies. How can something that heavy flutter, I ask you? That's not the point. I would argue that there's as much or more opportunity to get hurt by being emotionally promiscuous as by being sexually promiscuous. Of course, there are those who would disagree with me, but there are those who disagree with me whatever I say. But no one's concerned about discouraging emotional promiscuity. You can feel whatever you want, just don't act on it.

Abstinence

Ok, here's me waxing political for a little while. In the United States of America, "land of the free, home of the brave", there are places where the only kind of health education there is in secondary schools is abstinence only. These are not private, religious schools (although that really wouldn't excuse it) but public schools. State funded schools. In the United States, the ignorance of youth is paid for by Americans' tax dollars. For anyone who doesn't understand exactly what Abstinence-Only sex education is, it's exactly as the name implies. There is no discussion of contraception or ways to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. One slogan used in such programs is, "The only safe sex is married sex." The rationale for these programs? If youths don't know that there are options about contraception, they just won't have sex until they get married. That's just great, isn't it? Because not telling adolescents about contraception is definitely going to stop them from having sex, because nobody ever had sex before contraception was invented, because marriage is always faithful, because nothing ever gets out of hand. Sometimes, abstinence works as a method of contraception, but sometimes it doesn't, and in those situations, there needs to be a backup available. In addition, if a person decides not to engage in any sexual activity before marriage, there is a strong likelihood that they will rush into marriage.

Long story short: wake up and smell the coffee, America, abstinence-only sex education isn't helping anyone.


Anyways... Happy New Year, since this will probably be my last post of 2006. 2007 should be interesting, and here's hoping it'll be a good one.

In other news... Evanescence rocks! Hee hee hee, I can't wait.
28 hours keeps getting closer and closer. I can't wait.
No word yet on Disney... although at this point I could live without it.
8.5 till freedom. I really can't wait for that.

FWF
So yeah... now I feel really strange. I can't quite place the gut feeling here... or maybe I can, and just don't want to admit to it. I'm not sure. I thrive on pushing limits, but the limits here are a little closer than they might otherwise be. And there's more of a chance that the limits will move without my knowing, and there's more at risk if I push a little too far.

Terror
You're worrying, and with good reason. You've got a fair amount to worry about here, but I hope it turns out alright for you. Preferably without any violence. Remember, they're both being jerks, and you don't have to stand in between them to stop them from butting heads, because all that will do is make them both headbutt you. And that won't solve anything.

Bear
Indecision bites, doesn't it? I say, give up on #1, but that's just my two cents. Of course the decision is yours to make. 2 and 3 both look very promising, and there's no sense settling down just now, I agree. You're young, unsettle.

Gold
28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours 28 hours....
Can you tell I'm a little bit excited?

Loud
Good to see that you and Star are talking things over. Keep me posted on New Years plans.

Anyways, lunch break's starting
Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

No Day But Today

28 Hours, 28 Hours, 28 Hours in less than 4 Months!
Right now, I'm just counting down the days until 28 hours. I can't wait. To those of you who deal with me on a daily basis, I apologize in advance for the hyperactivity and excitement which will without doubt get annoying within a week or so. It's going to be bloody brilliant.

Changes
She came back for a few days. I think--I hope-- she's gone on her not-so-merry way by now, but those were not a fun few days. Quite frankly, I never wanted to see her again, much less allow anyone else to see her. But I think I've managed to ditch her once again, and hopefully this time my escape will be a little more permanent.
Gold, if you want to see how I've changed, ask me about the last week or so.

Waiting... Waiting...
In other news, finally got finished with something that's been driving me clear up the wall lately, mostly because it requires me to actually think about, and more vexingly make decisions about, the future. My future. But it's done, so now I just have to wait and hope I don't get laughed out of line, so to speak.
I think that's maybe what prompted the ever-so-lovely, "What's going to happen to us?" question I had to deal with yesterday. I'll say it straight out, I'm worried. Terrified, actually. I don't know what's going to happen to us, what's going to happen to me, what's going to happen to you. All we can do is wait and see.

I've always wondered where I'm going, and whether the trip is going to be pleasant.

Song Lyrics
This is a fantastic song which I adore singing, even though I usually can't make it through a phrase without breathing, usually at a quite inopportune moment. However, I think it's brilliant, and parts of it describe my feelings about certain people and certain situations pretty accurately. It's always creepy/fun when you hear a song that sounds like the writer was pulling stuff out of your head to put into a song.

Breathe (2 am)
Anna Nalick
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

I find it interesting how several different songs, all called "Breathe", can have such different characters. There are more than this I'm sure, but I'm thinking of this one, one by Melissa Etheridge, one by Shania Twain, and one by Faith Hill. They're all very different, but they do have this commonality that I can't quite put my finger on.

Long story short- music is amazing.

Keep Dreaming,
Daydream Believer

Nose To The Grindstone

I hate how when I have the most arbitrary, superfluous stuff to get done is when I have the most ideas that are begging to be written down. I write almost as much as I talk, which is to say a lot. The ideas are threatening to take me over, and have been giving me bizarre dreams. I also hate how, with all these ideas in my head, as soon as I'm staring at a blank computer screen with a keyboard at my fingertips, or an empty notebook page with pen in hand, they evaporate and I'm blocked. So here's me trying to de-block so I can get some proper sleep tonight.

He's baaaaack. And he's pissed. Fortunately for me, he's also jet-lagged, and hitting the hay well before I do every night, giving me at least a couple of hours of peace per day. For now at least. Jet-lag doesn't last much more than a week, and my patience is already wearing thin. I suspect that I will miss the 7-hour waste of my time far more than I would if he was still in parts unknown.

Speaking of blocks, communication blocks. I hate them. Right now, they're rearing their ugly heads right between me and SS, and I'm not sure why, between me and FWF, because apparently we don't have anything in common, and every time I try to start a meaningful or interesting conversation, I am reminded of that. There's that lovely communication block between me and red, which I'm not sure how to fix. It's possible that after all this time, and all this rotation, from which we seem to have been exempt, it's just our time to move apart. I hope not though. Then there's the other CR, who seems to be blocking everyone out, not just me. But still, there's something irritating about reaching out a hand only to have it slapped away.

I walk next to the wolf. Next to, but not near. A safe distance. A respectful distance. I've never felt there was much use to distance. I don't know why that distance appeared, or grew, but it did, and I am no longer in a position to close it. So I wait. And hope. Hope it's not too late, hope something didn't go terribly awry. It's all I can do for now.

Weird day today, almost got an early escape from the house of grease (ie: do you want fries with that?), thanks to an as of yet inexplicable blackout. Key word being almost. Five minutes from freedom, and had to put it in reverse. Blast.

Only 7 days till C-day.

Only 4 till 17. That's going to be interesting. I've been thinking about it. I probably think too much, but I can't help it. It's one of my talents. This year was supposed to be pretty amazing. "This is where your eyes open, your life begins" I heard. I believed it at the time, now I'm not so sure.

Tomorrow should be fun, much singing, dancing, and eating. Not all at the same time, though.

Regrets. They're funny little buggers, aren't they? They sneak up on you when you're least expecting them.

This week will be strange. I can just tell.

I'm still pretty blocked, but exhaustion is starting to set in. Something about fitful, dream-filled sleep just isn't as restful. Oh well, I'll roll myself out of bed in the morning and have another day tomorrow.

Daydream Believer

10 til 17

Foul-Weather Friend
I'm always here for you, you know that. But it's okay to tell me when things are going right too. I don't mind helping you try to fix things, in fact, I like it. That's not the problem. I'm not asking you to stop telling me when your world's falling apart, I want to know, I want to help. But I don't want to lose you as soon as your feet are under you again. You can't see someone break down without wondering what they're like unbroken. But as soon as you're mended, you don't need me anymore. Suddenly we don't have anything in common. I guess talking you out when you panicked and needed a friend even though I really didn't know you and really should've been sleeping doesn't count. Maybe I was wrong to expect any emotional investment on your part. Maybe you're just being cautious. Maybe you've learned your lesson about the words "just friends". Maybe you're scared of something, but if there was something to be scared of, I'd sense it a mile off. It's a talent of mine. If I'm not worried, there's nothing to be worried about.

Innocence
Which are you more ashamed of, your innocence, or your lack thereof? Nobody's perfectly innocent, nobody's perfectly corrupt. Which part would you get rid of if you could? Think hard, the answer might surprise you.

Fear
Ever stay up way too late one night because you know that the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you'll have to wake up and face tomorrow? The funniest thing is that there's nothing particularly scary about the tomorrow in question, it's just a gut feeling.

The Mask
One more side with no shield, bare and unprotected. One more angle an attack could come from, one more mask that's been shattered irreparably. Baby steps. Sooner or later there'll only be one mask left. Can I shatter it? Will it be shattered for me? Your guess is as good as mine. What am I going to do once it happens? Again, I don't know. I've been told it's quite liberating, but it's something I can only do once. Something that is irreversible. Something I can't take back. I'll probably chicken out.

28 hours just keeps looking worse and worse. And at the expense of not only gangsters, but mickey mouse too. I hope it's worth it.

It's like a party in your soul!

Okay Gold, here's me humouring you.

*ahem* Filler:

The Ultimate Song Quiz
by GoldMatenes

Your Theme Song (because of style, lyrics,tone, etc.): Beautiful Day by U2
Best Song To Help You Sleep: Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Best Inspirational Song: Believe in You by Amanda Marshall
Best Song To Give You Hope: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Best Song To Be 'Our Song': Old Fashioned Love Song by Three Dog Night
Best Song To Impossibly Fight To: Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas
Best Song To Lose Your Virginity To: A Day Like Today by Bryan Adams
Best Song To Make You Sad (on purpose): Stole by Kelly Rowland
Best Song To Work Out To: My Sharona by The Knack
Best Silly Song: Your Horoscope for Today by Weird Al Yankovic
If You Had A TV Show, The Theme Song Would Be: Jim's Theme by John Rzeznik
Song That Makes You Hate Mankind: Why? by Tracy Chapman
Song That Makes You Wish You Could Fly: Takeoffs and Landings by The Ataris
Song That Makes You Want To Fight Hordes Of Bad Guys Single-handedly: Smackwater Jack by Carole King
Song That Makes You Want To Do A Backflip: One Girl Revolution by Superchick
Song That Really Makes You Wish You Could Dance: Hips Don't Lie by Shakira
Song In Your Head Now: Moneymaker by Ludacris

Warning, these are subject to change at any given moment, as my preferences and moods change.

Keep dreaming
Daydream Believer

Apologies and Thanks

First off, something old while I collect my thoughts:
Take it. Jump. Leap. Take the risk, take that leap of faith. Jump without looking down first.
You might end up hitting rock bottom, bruised and broken, but you'll be alive, and you won't have a prayer of denying it. No day but today. You'll never feel alive until you die a little bit. You'll never love until you've had your heart broken.
Every single day is an opportunity for you to say, "This is who I am, this is what I need. and goddammit, I'm going to go get it." Sometimes you just hgave to grab happiness by the balls and take it. Just have a little faith.

Alright, here goes nothing.
Loud, thank you. I know Gold means well, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I'm sorry I brought you into this. You said Gold sought others who can accept the distance, and you don't seem sure what I do about it. But you've both made a very grave mistake. I come off as distanced, and it's because I've been pushed to arms length before. Better to be pulled close than pushed away. I think you're right. I needed to hear what he said. I need to be kept on my toes, and I need to hear things I don't like the sound of.

Gold, I've never told you what I've never told you because I got the distinct impression that you didn't give a rat's ass. Something about hearing the exact same answer every time you ask person how they are or what's new for weeks on end gives you that impression. I didn't want to waste your time, and that's not something I normally care about. You never asked me what my favourite colour was, or about my family, at least not that I can remember. I would have told you. I will, if you want to know. All you have to do is ask. I didn't like it, but I'm glad you told me what you really think.

I don't expect of others anything I wouldn't give, anything I don't give. A genuine "How are you?" with the expectation that I'll say something other than "Fine", would be more than sufficient. That would be enough, all I need is a tiny indication that I'm more than another passing face on the street, and then I will be.
I know I've changed. The idea that I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, that someone thinks I'm still the same person as I was four years ago, well, it stings a little. Quite frankly, because I'm not a big fan of that four years ago me. She's not my favourite person in the world, and I'd rather not have people seeing her in me now. There are two different models of identity, a ball covered in wax, every change, every experience, every decision a drop of wax, adding and changing the shape, and a block of stone, boulders and slivers chipped away piece by piece until all that's left is the person, no changes left to make. I like to think it's really a combination of the two. Add a piece of wax, chip a bit off.

Gold and Loud, you already see more of me than the world at large, because you can see two of many facets, which is one more than most can, more than most ever will, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Alright, I'm a little burned out after all that.

The cracks and faults in a heart of glass are what make it more beautiful than when it began.

I don't know who said this, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Nobody's perfect, everybody's broken in some way or another. There's no cure for a broken heart, only a hot mug of tea, a firmly held belief that things will change again, and a prayer that it'll be soon.

Ask me about the value of a cathartic letter.

***A Little Piece of the Past***

This piece of the past isn't all that old. A month, tops. Something I wrote down figuring nobody'd ever see it. I changed my mind.

Something True

"Tell me something true."
The request caught me totally by surprise. I looked at him, unsure how to react. He was looking at the road, even though we were parked. Why was he avoiding my eyes? What did he expect me to say? Something true, but what?
"Um... The sky is blue?" I said tentatively. He looked at me with an expression that said in no uncertain terms, 'You have got to be kidding me.'
"That's not what I meant. Something secret. Something no one else knows."
"Uh-oh. He wanted to know about him. My best friend. Who he was jealous of because I tell him things I can't tell him. He doesn't understand a friendship like that. He's not trying to be posessive, he's just never had that kind of relationship. And for that, I pity him. He doesn't understand I can't just choose one or the other. My friend or my lover. If the friend was a woman, he wouldn't care. He wouldn't be so upset right now. He doesn't understand that I need my friends, I care about him so much, I've known him forever. But that doesn't im any less because of it. Something true. Something he needs to understand. I don't want him like that. He's my friend. That's what I need and want from him. If only I could get him to understand--
"I love you."

Well, that's all, folks...

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
William Shakespeare

Daydream Believer

Remember if you can

Remember when you said you'd never leave?
So I had to.
Remember when you said you'd never change?
You did.
Remember when I told you not to promise me anything, because I knew you couldn't follow through?
Did that stop you?
Was I wrong?

Remember when you said I wasn't paying enough attention?
So I walked away.
Remember when you said I let you down?
Did I, really? Wasn't it the other way around?

Why wasn't I worth it?
Do you remember?

It looks like my throne has been usurped. Well... it's not really a throne, and it wasn't really usurped, but that sounds much more exciting than I lost my seat. Those 28 hours just started to look a lot less appealing. This was all supposed to happen last year. Bloody hell. I'm still looking forward to it, but I can sense from here that it just won't be the same. So much for finding a niche.

If there was a fire burning, and now there isn't, that would indicate change, wouldn't it? I don't think I'm the same as I was four years ago. The key words: "As far as I can tell". How far can you tell if you didn't know me then, and probably don't know me now either? I don't blame you. I won't say you're not right on some counts, but I never said I wasn't being impatient or selfish. It is selfish to want someone to see the bigger picture, but that won't stop me from wanting it, now or later. You say I haven't changed in four years, and you're proving my point. You wouldn't know, because most of my changes aren't immediately evident, and you never asked.

Was that supposed to make me feel better or worse, Gold?

Anyways, 400 in 3 is always a good way to finish off the day. Face red, heart racing, limbs going numb. Really makes the world disappear.

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

Something to dream about.
Daydream Believer

Baldfaced Lies

"Emotions aren't good or bad, they just are."

Did anyone else get told this as a child? In any case, it's a baldfaced lie.

I feel like a coldhearted bitch. I don't quite understand what it is I'm feeling right now. No, wait, that's a lie too. I understand just what it is, what I don't understand is why it's rearing its ugly head right now. Why is this bugging me so much? Your guess is as good as mine. They're happy now, and God knows the deserve it. It's not that I want someone to be miserable... I hope. It's just a change, and although I thrive on change, I still have to get used to it. It'll blow over. I hope. Never think about what might have been.

One step forward, two steps back. Just tell me what you want from me.

7+2 until freedom.
I don't know where I'm going to go, but I'm going no matter what anyone says. I'm going to get there. I just don't know where there is yet.

17 till 17

I should be happy. The universe is working itself out in a not-too-shabby way for once. So how come I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop? Because I'm a hopeless cynic, that's why, and that's what's going to continue to deprive me of happiness for a long time.

It occured to me recently just how few people I'm really close to. I don't know if I'm keeping them at arm's length on purpose, or if that's just how the world is working out. The ones who've seen me at my worst, well, a rather indiscriminate bunch, I suppose I spend a lot of time at my worst. The ones who've seen me at my best? Few and far between. When I'm at my best, I am generally alone. People I could tell anything to? Nobody. People who I could hear anything from? Nobody, because everybody's got their confidante. The one person who knows everything. And so help the person who tries to work their way into the inner circle. As a result? The people I tell almost everything and anything to are again a rather indiscriminate bunch. But could I pick any one of them and tell them the rest of the story? No way. It's give and take. Maybe I don't give enough to take the share I have.

Beauty-- Shaye

So you've come to this bridge
In an unfamiliar land
You know it's a bridge you are going to walk on
And the only thing you know is
Everything you know
Will do you no good from here on

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there

So pick up your bags
Look around at your friends
And you know none of them
Would ever have enough strength
To cross the bridge and lose control
I never felt this bold
Never felt this good

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you

Stay true to your nomad skies
Keep your eyes out for coyote
A thousand secrets are lost
In the archival dust
So lay your ears upon the tracks

One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now
Fly on butterfly

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there

Sleep well.
Daydream Believer

Who's The King of The Castle?

I spoke to him today. At an ungodly hour of morning when I really should've been asleep. That's what's more convenient for him. He reminded me to be a big help, and asked me if I was in shape. He didn't ask about CR, or JB, and I'm sure he was hoping SS had just disappeared like the last one. He didn't ask me how I was in terms of whether I minded that he's never around. I don't. He asked me in terms of whether I was continuing to do my job. Daydream believer the sponge. He asked me if my work is going well, and if my sports team was winning. I didn't bother to tell him that the captain doesn't seem to like me very much, or that the coaches are massive hypocrites. He would've told me I was blowing it out of proportion. At least I have a little peace of mind for now, knowing that when he's on the other side of the world, I could just hang up on him and that would be that. I never will, of course. That would be too much like him for his own good. He'd never be able to take it. Some days are better than others, but the ones where he's here are always worse than the ones where he isn't. Does that make me a terrible person? If he wants to play king of the castle, he should visit the castle occasionally, don't you think?

Eight hours and it's almost done. Happiness.

7+2 months and counting.

I'm of two minds. One which, sliding down the great toboggan hill of life, wants to dig its heels in like there's no mañana. The other which wants to pick up its feet and glide.

The good old BS problem.
Ever have a really close friend you just start to lose touch with, for whatever reason? Then, out of nowhere, you run into them again. A year and a half later, while you've been trying so hard to get a hold of them. And of course by then, it's too late. What might have been. I hate those words with a flaming passion. Mostly because they get me every time.

It's not going to happen again.

Nothing like a good fume to get the toxins out. I need to purge from time to time. Clear out the dust bunnies, leave everything feeling renewed. Full of promise. Now there's a dream worth dreaming.

Daydream Believer